How do men do it?

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^^ Joe, while you may envy that I hold back my tears, I envy that you can let them out.

I feel like one reason I have so much PTSD is b/c I suppress my (huge) feelings. When I had a life-threatening pregnancy loss, I was in my co-workers office with the biggest f'ing grin on my face. It was from ear to ear - ridiculous. It was all I could do to explain the situation and be able to talk. I couldn't not smile. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to explain to him that the very wide smile meant the situation was just as bad. I never did cry. 18 years later and I still cry on the inside and wish I could get it out. Gosh darn grief. At a funeral recently I didn't want to cry so was mostly mute. At this point if I went to the bathroom, I am pretty sure I would stand around there mutely. Hmmm, I might need to work on that.

I do envy you...but it's understandable that you envy me.

I couldn't stop crying at my mum's funeral. As soon as I saw her coffin I just cried and cried. I sobbed all through the service and afterwards I received lots of cuddles from all the lovely people that attended. Only thing was...it resulted in covid doing its rounds around the family a few days after the funeral. But I don't think I would have gotten through the day if I didn't get all those lovely hugs. (Everybody there were vaccinated and nobody got seriously ill).
My mum died from cancer, not covid.

So, for whatever it's worth, I've done all of those things for different men over the years and it hasn't always been well-received or appreciated. Especially the flower thing. One guy actually got pretty irritated with me and thought I was passively aggressively trying to send the message I thought he should send me flowers, which wasn't the case. Some people view expressions like that as being transactional and it sort of impairs their ability to receive them for what they are, unfortunately. It may also be that it wasn't his "love language" or whatever. Who knows.



Or, maybe they'd like each other more if sex and relationships didn't create such complexities? (Not sure if sitcom characters make great case studies, but look at how great a relationship Jerry and Elaine had outside of that episode where they slept together). The vulnerability that is needed for fulfilling sexual and emotional connections just freaks some people out and even the perceived threat of needing to be vulnerable can cause them to start viewing their partner as an adversary.

That sucks I don't really know why people would read into something like that. It's a sweet gesture. I have had women do some romantic things for me and always loved it.



If they can't handle those complexities do they really like each other though? I think men and women can definitely be friends...it's up to the individuals really. I agree about the fear of vulnerability, but I think this is largely why we have civilization too--lots of ways for people to run from real life and real feelings.

(I would say in Jerry and Elaine's case...all the main characters on Seinfield were shallow, catty people. Their inability to be fully human prevented them from any real connections to other people. I say that as a huge fan.)

Last edited by HighLlama on 03 Feb 2022, 5:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

"men and women are not so well suited for each other, perhaps it would be better if one visited the other now and then." [katherine hepburn]

Great quote.

Unfortunately, civil life makes us less and less human. We are perfectly suited for each other. We're just so afraid of actually existing--far more worried about how we present ourselves, and lie to other people, and lie as we look in the mirror. Which is why some people in this thread are denigrating emotions which are perfectly natural and exist for a purpose. As a species, we have perfected the art of self-loathing. Then we wonder why our societies and relationships are so f****d. And we actually think politics will save us, instead of just feeling a damn emotion once in a while.

i can't believe we are well suited for one another with the stat of 60% divorce on first marriage, 90% for subsequent marriages in america.

Today yeah. But we look more alike and act more alike than we want to admit. Society (and culture) has us stylize and differentiate so much. Then we wonder why we don't understand each other. Nature makes us for each other, and culture convinces us we are alien to each other.

I also think most people define love by how someone else makes them feel, not who that person is. They are in love with those feelings, not the person. So of course the relationship is doomed, because feelings are protean. They change and leave and return.

all i know is that i just don't understand people. i don't understand how people attract one another, how they persuade one another to pair up with them, the whole ball of wax.

can understand that sentiment Auntblabby .. it was till my twenties that i even reslised about dufferences between men and eomen in relationships then late 30's before it actually was something i could put into practice. And figure out i could attract a mate, especially since, i was not looking for one . Then a great deal of it was on a intellectually level of past knowledge and some whatly remote common experiences . And a mutual respect . but such is how life went.

i have no common experiences with anybody. a stranger in a strange land am i.

Are divorce rates actually that high? If so, I wonder how same sex and heterosexual divorce rates differ. I don't know. I'm just skeptical of the idea that men and women genuinely dislike each other on some deep level.

in america they are that high. and among gay couples it is even higher, last i checked. it is that people in general have a hard time learning how to truly meld with another human, all the differences get in the way. that is why kate hepburn said what she did about how men and women weren't well-suited for one another, that it'd be better if they dropped in on each other now and then.

Last edited by auntblabby on 06 Feb 2022, 12:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

I had an uncle that drove to town every Saturday evening at the same time. You could set your watch by him. He would go spent the night with Aunt Buck (female) and got back after Sunday church with a hangover. The only time he lived apart from his parents was during his army service and trade school. Moved to town into a sr care at 88 and died at 94.

I think this would be the perfect set-up for me. Well, except for the hangover part.

pardon me sir, but i have a few questions for you if you don't mind... what did your uncle do after his folks passed away? i don't mean to suggest anything untoward but what did he do when he spent the saturday night with aunt buck?