Women, Aspergers and Sex Drive

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I guess you get sick of each other after awhile, maybe.

Like that is the same if you live with any one, you get sick of each other. I don't know I have never been married. I have lived in defacto relationships, we was not together long enough to be bored with each other, not sexually. I couldn't imagine if we were still with each other - That may be a different story.

I like sex a lot! It´s just all that complicated emotional crap that goes with it that makes it difficult. Sometimes I think it´s not worth it....

Unfortunately I have no sex drive and I've not been diagnosed with anything and I've worked out most of my issues so I'm considered NT. Sex seems boring, and hot, and I hate being hot.

Haha! I have the opposite problem! Because I'm naked, I get cold - and it's one thing (of several) that I always dread about sex.

Thankfully, in my experience, sex only lasts a few minutes anyway. I would love to love sex, but so far it's just three to five minutes of fun for the guy and then clean-up and pregnancy/STD stressing for me.

As a result, it's hard to find it very appealing. I probably have a fairly average sex drive when it comes to theoretical sex, but all I have to do is think realistically about sex and what it would entail and all desire is gone. Just as well, since I don't know anyone at the moment who I'd be interested in sleeping with anyway.

I am a young Aspie male (late twenties) for whom this general trend certainly does not apply whatsoever. I probably would be in the top second or third percentile for libido among healthy young men, and believe me, this has caused me no end of grief and torture. Insomnia, inability to concentrate at school/work, depression, and frequent bitterness/resentment/rage at the world would just be a few of the side effects of this, as far as my case is concerned.

It's been an issue for me since the age of five or six: one day I found out quite accidentally that certain touches are pleasurable, and from there on out the cat was pretty much out of the bag. I was never molested in any way or unduly influenced in any sexual way as a kid--in fact, I was pretty sheltered. In all truth though, I think that my Asperger's has simply wired me to have powerful appetites in general: in addition to my raging hormomes, I also experience raging hunger (I am not someone you want to mess with if I haven't eaten for more than eight hours), great emotions (be it sorrow, anger, or ecstasy), a great need for sleep much of the time (my obsessions and emotions often keep me from getting to sleep on time), and tend to be politically rather radical as well. Naturally, I also have the typical AS obsessions with a few different areas of interest that we all do (and for me, one of them is sex).

I certainly hope that I will find an Aspie wife with the same level of libido as I have (if not more--it would be really nice for me to for once in my life experience sexual exhaustion), because that would remove a great amount of misery from my existence, but just finding any woman with Asperger's, or even NT women who can tolerate us, is tough enough. In my life I have known three definite female Aspies and one possible; of those four, three have libidos that I would say is in the normal range and one is 100% asexual. I've only known two or three women in my whole life with sex drive equal to mine, and all are NT.

By the way, I'm a virgin (both by circumstances and choice--I do want to save myself for marriage), do not look at porn (I think it's utterly stupid; make-believe sex is just that), and do my best not to be sexually crude (albeit I can talk clinically about it for hours on end).

LOL, that's why I want to get married too.

I totally disagree with you about Aspergers women having low to no sex drives, actually the opposite in fact in my case. I don't know if this was the case in the Aspergieran women you were with, but if they are on anti-depressants also or other medications, those meds can interfere with sexual desire/response. So I wouldn't think their sexual response is due to Aspergers.

AS aside, here's a statistic from a recent sex survey:


Have you ever paid for sex?

men: 31.6 percent

women: 2 percent



http://www.straight.com/article-69875/s ... mick-s-not

That's why I did get married. Didn't work out at all!

I'm 24 years old and have aspergers; I have had a close relationship for almost 8 years now and have had 3 kids; recently I have been very detatched from people, everyone except my kids, I've tried so hard to find some kind of trigger but can think of nothing, now I'm at my wits end. I've never been especially physical, but now I cannot stand to be hugged, kissed - and of course sex is out of the question. The person I'm supposed to be in a relationship with is an NT, I had thought because 2 of our kids are autistic he would be more understanding on the matter, but it seems his personal feelings about 'not getting any' are turning into personal grudges, and he is beginning to make horrible comments about my dislike of physical contact. It's slowly tearing me apart. I used to have sex just to shut him up and get him off my case, but what kind of life is that to lead? I have a sensory integration disorder, hypersensitivity and bipolar 1 disorder, some days I feel like I won't get through this intact, my mental health is at breaking point trying to please everyone. I feel love, but not of an intimate nature anymore; I've even told him to fing a good woman and do what he likes, he is the one who refuses, and calls me names and telling me there is something very wrong with me that needs fixing, like there must be an off switch. I am apparently abnormal and to blame for the deterioration of the relationship. His parents tell him I am a joke. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, maybe for advice or someone to tell me I'm not alone in this situation.

wow that sucks, Polkadot.

I don't think you're alone. kids are demanding, and I think a lot of moms go through periods of time where sex is just a chore no matter what else they're dealing with, and you're dealing with a lot.

my ex wasn't supportive at all in family raising, so over time I quit having sex with him. it just ended up feeling gross. I also didn't love him, though, I was just trying my best to put up with him to keep my family intact. if I loved him and he loved me, though, I would have expected him to leave me alone so I could get some recovery time and he should just take care of himself. that's what my current husband does when I can't or don't want to... although at my age, I probably have a stronger sex drive than a teenage boy so usually I have to leave him alone and take care of myself

holding a grudge and calling names because your partner can't put out is really damned immature and selfish. it sounds like you're just plain overloaded and maybe he needs to go to therapy and get himself sorted out.

I have a very high sex drive. I am not sure what most women with AS are like but the low/zero sex drive does not apply to me. I notice I have a much higher sex drive than most women though. I am glad I am female as it makes it easier to get sex than men (in general). And I have been in a long term relationship for over five years now so can have sex frequently.

Also Polkadot, your partner sounds horrible. I do not think anyone should be made to feel bad about not being interested in sex. Basically if one partner likes sex and the other does not I see it as two options: a. let them sleep around or b. break up (or c. do nothing which will probably lead to a relationship failure eventually, them cheating and both people being unhappy). You have offered a. which makes you very understanding in my opinion and if your partner still makes you feel bad I do not think he is a very nice person to be with. I do not know what to advise... if I was in your position I would leave someone like that or try to go to relationship counselling.

I think I have a very high sex drive or libido as I usually put it, but no sex life....

Thank you all so much for the replies, I feel a bit more normal already. I don't think it's cos I see it as too much of a chore anymore, I guess I feel it as an un-necessary thing for me to do as I'm very happy with no physical contact. To be honest I am now starting to resent the way he makes me feel about myself, I have some self confidence issues and as I mentioned I am also bi-polar, I'm sure he knows that I am going through a depression at the moment - it's pretty hard not to notice as I can't even muster the motivation to get dressed. I should mention I don't think it is my bi-polar that is the problem - I rapid cycle (daily at best and every few minutes at worst) but when I have a majorly hyper manic episode my libido doesn't even twitch - whereas years ago it would have rocketed. Even if it changes again in future, I just don't think I can deal with the emotional stress until then, add to that the fear he instills in me that should he no longer be able to live with me, he would have to take our 2 youngest as with my disabilities I would not be allowed to keep them. I feel like I'm in a nightmare.

would he take the 2 younger ones, though? if it came to that, he would likely get custody of all the kids since courts don't like to break up siblings without a good reason. strangely, some parents don't even want the kids in a divorce. if he has threatened to take the kids away from you in the process of coercing sex, try to record it. that is classified as domestic abuse, but the only proof you'd be able to use is a recording and it's proof of hostility that can generally be used in family court. otherwise it's he said, she said. I've been down that road already and the manipulator pretty much always wins.

I'm finding that courts don't hold disabilities against parents unless they put the children at risk, and if you live in an area with a decent DHS, your disabilities could get you some in-home services to help you cope with the demands of parenting. it might be worth looking into.

I'm going to share a story of how awful it was for me, because I think you can relate. you aren't alone.

after the last (and final) time my ex physically attacked me, I slid into a depression so numbing that only my dedication to being there for my children until they're adults kept me from killing myself. one of my friends (now my husband) was concerned when I mentioned that I wasn't able to feel anything at all, and helped me get into counseling. I did some very intensive work for months, and gradually came to the realization that I would probably have to divorce my ex because of his unwillingness to work on any of his own issues. as I went through the therapy and emotionally separated myself from him, I became happier (or at least much less depressed) and actually started smiling again.

keep in mind, this process took months. in all that time, my ex barely spoke a word to me. we only discussed things that pertained to our parental responsibilities. he never once asked why I was so sad, and he seemed to have no interest in me as a person at all.

one day he walked up to me and said "you seem so much happier these days. let's have sex."

yep, after ignoring me through the worst depression of my life, caused by his physical abuse, he thought that because I seemed happy he would get to score, and he used those exact words.

it's quite probably that it was at that instant that I decided to divorce him.

I have an abnormally high sex drive. I don't know why, I have no endocrine disorders.