Do you have a red flag list?

Post Reply New Topic

A Facebook means nothing to me. Not everyone social networks and wants to put their life on the internet or risk losing their job because they are afraid they will impulsively post something on it that will cost them their job. And I can understand making everything private in your profile. I am the same way.

Is anyone authentic on fb . I know snooping on a person through social media is a new norm, I don't know what photos can actually confirm though because self promotion is subject to personal bias.

LOL! If he doesn't have FB then it is a red flag, this is new!

Is the question red flags.. Like things to watch for that indicate a potential future abusive relationship, or just personal preferences when dating/how we personally and subjectively judge "relationship-worthy" people in general?

I may not be physically attracted to x..or as a non-smoker may feel more compatible with the same (or vice versa)..but those are completely different from warning signs one should watch for. Several posts seem to be just this - things viewed as negatives in others..not things that should be taken as potential warning signs. So I'm not sure what the intention of the initial question is?

On the facebook note, one can create multiple made-up accounts... As a non-fb person, that one puzzles me. I'm not putting my personal crap out for the public to see..nor am i ever updating my location every minute.
There's a red flag - someone who wants or needs constant location updates. Stalker, major jealousy/possession issues are all potentials there.

Hi 100000fireflies, the initial question is subjective, I asked it to get feedback based on experiences; its a combination of both common red flags (eg controlling) and those based on a self awareness of limitations (eg smoker).

Some people will be suited to interacting with me on a regular basis, others will have temperaments and dispositions best suited to a friend/romantic relationship with another person, everyone seems to have different tolerance levels .

I'm glad you asked!
Here are mine:
1. The person thinks jokes about sexual assault (or other forms of violence) are funny or tries to minimize the seriousness of events in life or on the news that upset you. An example of them trying to invalidate your feelings on issues like this would be something like "get over it", "it's not that bad", "you're being too sensitive", or "the victim/plaintiff is obviously lying." An example of something supportive, non-invalidating they should say instead would be more like "everything's going to be okay", or "is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" Also, if they offer you tissues, a blanket, or your favorite food or hot beverage when you get upset, it's safe to say that they're a good fit for you.
2. They do drugs. (I imagine there's some decent gray area with weed, since some people use it for medical purposes or take it legally in moderation). I'm sure there are awesome people out there who are currently struggling with addiction. They deserve to get the help they need. But ultimately, getting help and recovering should be their number one priority. Dating can come later, after they get clean.
3. They've been known for making past partners or others cry. Not okay. Ever.
4. They hit you or someone else in front of you. Even if it's just one time, get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
5. You can't talk one-on-one without it turning into an argument. While I know some people love to have mini-debates, sometimes you just need to let your guard down and have an actual conversation with someone.
6. This one's more for me, but I think it's pretty helpful. I don't want to date any person who doesn't identify as a feminist. That said, there are people who uphold feminist values but don't call themselves feminists because they feel that the movement gives an unfair amount of credit to able-bodied white women while ignoring or excluding people of color, lgbt+ members, or transgender/non-binary people, etc. from the conversations. But if they shy away from the term for any other reason, it's usually not a good sign.
7. They use derogatory terms. For example, they call women the c-word.
8. Or they treat people differently based on their race, gender, sexuality, job occupation, appearance. For the job occupation one, a good rule to refer to is "if your date is nice to you but mean to your waiter, then they're not worth your time." (or something like that).
9. They make mean comments about your weight, your body, or how you dress.
10. They belittle your interests.
11. They're mean to your friends and family (or flirt with them. yuck)

I'm sure I'll think of more in the near future.

These are my red flags. I would not particularly like to date a girl if:

1. She's racist, sexist or transphobic etc. (if she were homophobic I'd have no chance with her anyway lol)
2. She ever tells me she cheated on a former partner.
3. She doesn't respect my privacy
4. She doesn't respect my interests
5. She doesn't respect my family or friends
6. She backstabs people she acts as friends around - can't guarantee if she won't say anything like that about me.
7. She gets jealous and makes me feel bad for being around other friends
8. She's clingy
9. She takes drugs and/or drinks heavily (tobacco smoking is not ideal but that alone is not a red flag)

Well this is a trip down memory lane... just re read the thread. Some good advise from old and new posters.
^
^^ Are your lists based on personal experiences too?

Mainly vibes, their mannerisms and tones.

This is a really weird example, but people generally move in for a kiss, but this person subtly grabbed my chin and turned it towards him. Not enough for people to outwardly notice that it was problematic, but at that moment I knew he was a dickhead.

Sure enough.....

Fnord,

You can't measure arrogance. Someone might be arrogant sometimes only

What is arrogant is subjective

Schizophrenia is a diagnosis, not a choice

Not everyone in jail is guilty

Someone could be fat for many reasons. Prader Willi Syndrome

There is always someone without the red flags you considered, that appears trustworthy

And you might make the mistake of forming an emotional attachment to someone, that later picks up some red flag warning signs

...or you could develop a red flag warning sign? s**t happens.

I don't get approached by many men but men I would generally avoid other than the obvious (criminals and drug addicts et al)...

1. Men who get upset easily. I don't care for people with tempers or drama queens.
2. Men who are "fixer uppers".
3. Men who don't respect boundaries.
4. Men who have a problem with me socializing with other men. Most of my social contacts are male so he is going to have to be ok with that.
5. Men who are desperate (more often seen in teenaged boys rather than men though). Desperation is not a health basis for a relationship.
6. Men who want me to finance some aspect of their life. Red flag for ulterior motives for the relationship.
7. Men who are in a relationship, even if they claim they are leaving her. I don't play that game. He must be 100% single.
8. Men who do not have long term legal residency. See comment for number 6.
9. Liars.
10. 10s.

I remember posting in this thread a year or two, ago. Will have a look back through it, as I recall everyone posting, quite valuable and useful information...

Hi Amity, btw.