Eligable vs Desperate

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I'm posting this question here in the women's discussion forum because I'm in favor of the female demographic in for these questions (males are welcome too).

Basically I have two questions:

1. What signs / experiences tell you that a man is available or eligable? I'm asking because I think I've been sending a lot of signals and I'd like to send the right ones when I'm ready again.

2. What do men do to show you that they're too desperate, or just plain desperate? I've definately violated this rule in the past and I might still violate it in some way (perhaps with body language or attire?).

I'd appreciate other opinions and I'd really appreciate examples (great way to model behavior).

eligible = some eye contact, joking (non-sexual until you're sure she likes you a lot), no ring, no 'gay' tells (unless you're trolling for men), friendly, self-supporting (both financially and emotionally) but willing to form a partnership for greater stability of both members.

desperate = staring, sexual jokes with no introduction, invading their space, dependent either financially or emotionally on the other person to stay stable.

1. I am clueless about this. And I was mostly incapable of discriminating.

2. This is rare; most I encountered were the opposite. There was one I really liked who put me off temporarily by following me around very obviously when we were out with a group of people one day. He was trying so hard that even I suspected he liked me.

When we began seeing each other, I temporarily ended it because he was so focused on pleasing me that he made both of us anxious, which killed communication and any fun we might have had. If you're too focused on not losing someone, it makes it more likely you will.

Being approached on the street by strangers conveys some desperation. Particularly if they keep trying to persuade me to accept their offers and won't leave me in peace when I show no interest.

Hey, well summed up.

This is response is on the basis of having observed my male friends over the years and their results; accuracy and applicability not guaranteed.

Eligible: Casual; not indifferent but also not easily swayed or distracted from their beliefs and interests; initiates contact (social) without pressing or demanding; vertical posture; paced (not slow, but deliberate); able to laugh freely.

Desperate: Having an agenda (sex, couple status, etc); single-mindedness; lack of self identity (in an effort to appease a potential partner); hunched posture; a sense of being rushed or pressured; may use substances to induce lower inhibitions in self or others.

I may add more when it isn't the middle of the night after spending the previous hours at the ER.


M.

^ I hope all is well, M

Hmm... From what I've figured out, eligible is indicated when a man spends time with a woman and jokes around in a relaxed way, makes some eye contact, asks to go for coffee etc.

Desperate and rather discomforting is when the jokes/conversation gets too sexual or becomes so quickly (or becomes so without a woman indicating that's ok), monopolising the conversation and talking fast, seeking the woman out, watching her when she's not looking, or pushing harder for a date/whatever after being refused. Also staring below the neck or moving too close. That's the best I can think of at the moment when it comes to things that put women off.

Hope this is of some use to you.

This is actually pretty informative, I've never nad it narrowed down like this. I'm definately guilty of looking below the neck, and I need to get over the shy thing and train my gaze for their eyes (maintaining an eyes gaze feels so akward that I can't keep it for long).

Financially, I'm a little desperate, but I'm going to change that for myself. I'm loving the advice, I'll definately keep all this in mind when I start college again.

No problem

You don't have to look at their eyes all the time; you can focus on their mouth when they're talking, look just past their face, or face up to 90 degrees away but with your head tilted towards them so they know you're paying attention. It comes across as more shy and less self-confident, but still available and not desperate. Just don't stare at their body all the time.

Also there's not just sexually desperate, but "romantically" desperate...seeming needy, overkill with compliments, excessive gifts , premature future planning etc....

(caveat, -I may be just a cold hearted weirdo who finds excess romance and emoting deeply discomforting...maybe see if other female posters have any input on this aspect )

If you're a cold hearted weirdo, then I'm one too. Not to say I don't believe in romance, but I've seen guys who try too hard to butter up, I get embarrased for them. Personally, I think that dates help address some of the basic incompatabilites that two strangers may have. That's why something like hiking or volunteer is a great way to date, two people can really understand eachother when they have more to do than talk to eachother.

I'm a weirdo, too. I don't like being fawned over and I hate flowers and cards because to me they symbolize laziness in a relationship. why communicate when hallmark can do it for you, right? I also have no use for flowers. they're a default setting for most people. my partner thrills me when he brings me a bottle of Sailor Jerry, takes me shopping at the drafting supply, or gets out a bottle of port and a bar of really good quality chocolate.

our pre-hookup friendship consisted of verbal sparring, intellectual arguments, and betting a nickel over silly things. those things haven't gone away because he never pretended to be anything he isn't. the guy I met 6 years ago is the same guy I get into bed with every night. he's just improved, not with age but with making a continued effort to learn about himself.

also, I take exception to the remark about hunched posture. both my partner and hunch our shoulders. we're both geeks and we're both AS.

The question was for signs and indications; I fight hunched shoulders all the time - I am not talking about anything that I don't myself encounter or face regularly. Sorry if you took offense, but it still exists in my frame of experience.


M.

All the above tips are good but I'd like to add unwanted touching is a big no no for alot of women. You should never touch a women any were on the first meeting even on the shoulder or back. Also a have about an arm length between you and the woman at very first if you aren't somewere loud like a busy bar even then try and keep a bit of space. Try and relax as much as you can and make sure to ask her what she likes in the way of movies ect and try and lisen to what she has to say. I hope some of this helps best of luck finding a nice girl

I've seen hunched shoulders work for people before. This one guy I knew with hunched shoulders always looked like he was in deep thought, he had the persona for it too, very charismatic.

CRD, I am so with you on the touching, I had this friend who used to sneak up and pat me on the back as hard as he could to see me jump. I could've written the book on why it was so annoying. Luckily, this was nowhere near civilization, because me and him used to get into fights all the time (he could never figure out why I didn't like him sneaking up on me).

Luckily I'm not as apprehensive on dates, not exactly Geroge Clooney either, but at least I don't come off as Napoleon Dynamite anymore.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I have something better to go off of now.