stress and relationships

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I have AS and my ex boyfriend also has AS.

I have been under a huge amount of stress lately (essay's, social services, moving home, challenging kids)and feeling very over whelmed and suicidal. When Im stressed all my AS traits are exagerated, for example my eye contact is worse and I glare (fiercly) more often, my OCD is worse, I have difficulty vocalising my needs and tend to be grumpy alot of the time.

I split up with my boyfriend as he could not 'cope' with me in this state, he said he found me threatening and it made him anxious.

His reaction made me very resentful and bitter as I feel he only wants me for the 'good times' when I can shower him with attention and is not supportive of my current problems but made them worse (and me more stressed). I feel that he should be able to comfort me when Im upset rather than withdrawing and rejecting me, as he is not the one going through the difficulties, it makes me feel he is selfish.

He would like a reconsiliation but i feel that if I do get back with him it could only be on times when my schedule is stress free and therefore not very often. He did want to live with me before but I feel now that could never happen as I cant cope with his rejection on top of other problems in times of stress.

any answers?

I am very similar to you in that my "non-normality" becomes extremely exaggerated under stress, which has been in abundance of late. My usual manifestation is to display what are essentially the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, particularly disorganised and racing thoughts, a completely flat affect, major fatigue, and total withdrawal, even from WP. Every morning I wake up disoriented and unsettled, and suicidal thoughts are pervasive - so common that I can sort of see a "warning line" and recognise when I am "below the line" and therefore in danger. I can only control these thoughts using music.

These times do pass, and things do eventually improve, even if only for a short time.

I find that during these times I am probably near impossible to be around, because I don't interact at all except superficially. Anyone who does not experience this will probably not be able to understand it, and few people would want a full-time relationship where this phase is an inescapable part of it.

Having said that, I do have very close friends who at least understand my need for periodic withdrawal, and do not interfere with it. There are people who will come to understand your needs. It will take time and effort from both sides, but it can happen.

Your BF needs to understand that this phase is part of you, cannot be removed no matter how inconvenient it may be, and at the end of the day has to either learn to coexist with it or be honest with both you and himself that he cannot or will not be able to handle it. I wouldn't take that too deeply personally - it is a statement that you are not truly compatible, which is a natural thing. Upsetting at first, yes, but ultimately better. You deserve and should have someone who accepts you as you are, entirely, and should be prepared to offer the same in return. If it will not work out, you truly are better off going your own ways sooner; it only gets harder and more bitter the longer you hold onto something that cannot work.

I wish you the best. Always remember that you have friends here that will accept you as you are.

From the sounds of it, you probably were a bit of a nightmare to live with for a while, but that's kind of understandable due to the amount of stress you were under. Unfortunately, if you were also being consistently horrible to your boyfriend, it's kind of understandable why he left... the stress you were under explains, but doesn't excuse you taking it out on other people.

I don't know what your bf's motives are for wanting to get back with you; maybe he genuinely misses you and has decided the bad times are worth it, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he let you down when you needed him most, especially if you are making an effort to be there for him when he needed you.

I think a common aspie reaction is to withdraw from people when they are angry or bad tempered, so don't take it too personally that he did that. However, it's not a lot of use to you when the one person you should be able to count on bails out. Has he been like this in the past on other occasions when you've become angry? If so, it's probably just his personality to avoid confrontation, so there's not much chance you can change him.

You said your bf was an aspie, so maybe he was trying to be helpful in his own way initially; he could have been trying to give you space (you said you have difficulties vocalising your needs when stressed, so it was up to him to guess).

I think you guys should have a long chat before deciding whether or not to get back together; on your part, you should try to learn to vocalise your needs and stress, and tone down the aggression and grumpiness or direct it away, and on his part, he should promise not to bail out when you need him. It may help if you explain what you need him to do when you go into a certain mood; it may not have occured to him to give you a hug (same way people don't automatically hug grizzly bears )

Ah, that's a different story. Making allowances for someone under stress is one thing, but then turning around and bitching about it later is another; I can see why you're pissed off about the email, that was pretty horrible and really stupid of him if he wanted to get back with you.

I can understand why he sent it (I think); from his perspective, he thought he was being 'nice' and patient and ignoring your bad moods and then you dump him... so he got mad and decided to release all the pent up grievances... very dumb, and yeah, you're right, it's martyr behaviour.

It would have been more constructive to say something at the time, but maybe he was scared to do that. If you do get back together, it might be a good idea to ask him to tell you when he thinks you're glaring etc.. That's if you want to get back with him; if you're having to cook & clean for him on top of looking after your own kids and life, maybe he is more trouble than he's worth. There's also the issue of lost trust, which is important. He may want to get back with you, but if you're not keen on the idea, don't feel bad for saying no!

I think you're fit for relationships, just maybe someone with more backbone than this guy.

Ive agreed to have him visit next week and we will go for one day at autscape together, so I will see how that goes.

Im even more stressed now as im moving house and its not going well, I dont know how to make myself less stressed a im doing everything helpful. I dont know how to react different to stress, its especially annoying to people how my OCD gets bad and I be funny about things being moved and my food, its just so hard.

He said he was very scared of me, but that makes me feel worse and less like being with him rather than making me see his side or be sympathetic. I dont want to be with someone who views me as a monster.

i dont think he will change in how he relates to me as people generally dont change (and why should they), so i dont know what will happen. it uses an awful lot of energy and creates stress for me trying to tell what he wants and how im making him feel, as he wont say (even when asked) but he does 'pout' and sulk when not getting what he wants so i know then to change things but it makes me feel bad and upset so I would rather know before so as to not have the emotional punnishment of him sulking.

i just feel so stressed and down right now with moving. i got my essay writen and out the way so i know that i can find the strenth and do things but i feel so very awful, i dont want to do any of it, i want it all to go away.

i dont know, I might give it another try when i move into my new house. its much nearer to his home and friends so he will be more free when he visits and not so trapped with me, its also got some more rooms so he can get away from me and the kids easier so maybe he will enjoy visiting more.

it just all makes me so sad. I wish i had never met him, i really hate all this on top of everything else.

I dont want to have feelings and emotions, they are so painful and i dont know what to do with them. i dont like working at a relationship, i want it to work or not, i dont like the ambiguity.

Maybe you just need to take a break from each other until your more settled again. I've done the same thing from time to time with my friends when I'm feeling crushed by life. Just tell him the truth your so busy with the move and what ever else you have on your plate right now and that your afraid you'll just be unable to hanndle seeing him for a while. That you still care for him and you'll call him when things have gone back to normal for you.

He is coming round tomorrow, can anyone give me more relationship advice?