why?

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Just read a thread where someone said that once you become a parent, your kids become 80-90% of your world.

Is this true for everyone?

If you have kids, did you know this in advance?

Why did you have kids?

Would you say the same is true of all the above for your partner?

(questions aren't intended to be rude. I will admit I'm morbidly curious, but if I am out of line for asking this, then I apologise)

I had children because I wanted a sense of family, belonging, and to experience all the things that occur after having children.
I didn't know how much work my kids would be. My son has Autism and my daughter is advanced and they suck up all my time. With my children the painful sense of isolation is gone and I feel happy and there is a sense of happiness and belonging I suspect daughter is an Aspie. So it's two on the spectrum and one with lots of autistic traits(broad autism phenotype) and my NT husband all living together. Things are difficult sometimes

Thanks for your view Kate

Not sure if this is relevant...
I have not had and never will have human children but I have cared for baby orphaned kangaroos, wallabies, wombats and possums.
I had no idea how much time and effort it would involve when I took the first little joey into my care, it took over my life. But I was fine with that because the end result for the survivors was rehab and release to a safe place. Always worth the investment of time and care. Funny that I find it difficult to love humans but love these little critters unconditionally.
It does help you understand why this sudden commitment to a baby can make pets, partners and other children jealous and muck-up trying to get your attention back.

it was for me, at least at first. now that she is 16, she has begun building her ow life.


yes, i did.


it was by accident. but as soon as i found out, i had no question as to what path i would take. i don't regret it at all. turns out i probably couldn't have had any other children (4 miscarriages after her, and possibly one or more before her), so i am grateful to have my child. i was actually a little bit sad when she was born, because having her in my uterus is the closest i can ever be to another human being. it was like having a constant hug, but with no social pressure.

my daughter saved my life, in a way, and a few other family members say the same thing. she redefined us in some way. we needed her to exist.


yes. our child is the world to him, and perhaps he is even a little better at the mothering than me. i could not have done the parenting to this point alone.

fine with me - nothing offensive at all here.

It's definitely true for me. I'm still me, but most of my time is used up on my kids. As it should be... they're only 2 and 3 years old.

Yes, I knew it would be like this. I was going to be an English teacher at one point, and took Child Development classes.

I had children because I accidentally got pregnant and am against abortion. Then I wanted my child to have a sibling for a multitude of reasons.

My husband had no clue what it took to be a parent, but most of his time is spent at work.

Thanks everyone. It's interesting hearing the different stories.

It was when they were younger (under 5), not so much now. My kids are 17, almost 13 and almost 10. The older they get, the more they develop their own lives and their own interests. You still need to be there for them, and guide and counsel them, but it's not the same constant need to be either physically there or ensure that someone else is.



Yes.



I like them.

I think so....he's the one who wanted to wait till we were 30

~Kate

One reason I don't want kids is that I don't ever want to define myself as "so-and-so's mom." I think I would die a little inside every time I had to introduce myself...like at class picnics and PTA meetings. I hear adults do that and shudder...is that really how parents think of themselves?

some DO, and it annoys me to no end. i believe it is possible to have children and still maintain your own identity, honestly. but a lot of people have a different perspective i think.

i get really irritated when people talk incessantly about their kids, and define themselves by their kids' accomplishments.

Many do live entirely for their children, and lose their own identity. However, there's nothing wrong with introducing yourself as ____'s mother if it's someone that knows your child but not you. It doesn't mean that parent is automatically defining themselves based on their child.

I honestly worry for the parents that lose their own identities. When they're children leave the nest (which inevitably happens in most cases) they become lost. I've noticed parents like these often become the overbearing and meddlesome in laws.

The only time I ever do that is when the person in question knows one of my children and not me (yet), and even then I say, I'm Kate, so-and-so's mom. In other words, I'm Kate, and telling them I'm someone's mom is by way of explaining why I'm there and why I'm introducing myself to them. I don't really define myself in relation to other people...someone's wife or mother or sister...never did, and it didn't change when I had children.

~Kate

It's true for me. Even now, that my daughter is 27, I still think of her everyday, and worry when I don't hear from her.

Yes.

I didn't plan to, but when I found that I was pregnant, I felt overjoyed. I got tons of books from the library, so that I could understand each phase of pregnancy, and know how the fetus was progressing.

Unfortunately, no. He was a selfish, unstable and abusive person, and I raised my daughter alone.

This is actually one of the many reasons I do not want kids. I need to be able to have my own life, completely separate, at any time - I know that if I were to have a child that I could get alone time eventually, but I need it almost every day to be able to really function. So I could not handle that.

I do currently care for 5 special needs ferrets. I'd say that this has many similarities to having a human child. They need a lot of care, special food, hand-feedings, constant vet trips, and I've had to do things like give sub-q injections (use a needle to put fluid under the skin, to re-hydrate). But they also sleep for more than half of the day. I have my time to myself, and I have my time to be with them. They also can't talk, so that's great.

I also think that parents should devote much of their time to their children. They still need to have their own identity, but they have had this child and have taken on the responsibility of creating a decent human being. My own parents were terrible at this. They tried, but had no idea what they were doing, and ended up with me (self-diagnosed Aspie, along with plenty of other issues they helped create), and my brother and sister - both of which are self-entitled brats who couldn't care less about other people.

I recently parted ways with a former friend. She never has anything to say about herself, it's all her daughter's doings. Whenever she would talk to me, it was all about what her daughter and her daughter's friends were doing, what they liked to eat, what they wore to go clubbing, etc. When she called me to tell me her daughter was going to get laid, I had to draw the line.

Eww... that's gross. I had a mom I was friends with that decided to tell me her son was getting laid. I didn't talk to her much after that. :-\