A Question for Women with AS/Sensory issues

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I am a woman with AS, and also have extreme sensory issues. I am currently seeing a new guy, and am interested in being intimate with him. The trouble is, in past relationships, my sensory overload issues ruined sex every time.

I would really like to hear from other women in relationships, who also have this issue. Especially if they have found a way deal, and have had a positive outcome! I have searched for books on sensory overload and adult sexual issues, but most books only deal with children or teenagers.

And if men feel the need to respond, please do only if you have a girlfriend or wife with this problem, and have a success story to share. Otherwise, please don't respond! Thank you.

You're going to have to be incredibly honest with him, and he's going to have to be very adaptable and patient. I don't know of any other way. Best of luck with it, hon. Really. When it works, it's heaven. When it doesn't it's hell - definitely.

It depends on what your sensory issues are. If you take things slowly and see how you feel and tell him he needs to be sensitive to your issues it should be fine (he should be eager to please you so be ok about being sensitive).

I find if I dont want to be touched rubbing his penis with lube is very good as it feels (for him) very similar to sex and means that he is satisfied so I dont have to be touched.

I find sometimes Im ok with more touch than others, that Im generally ok if Im not really stressed about something but if Im very stressed I dont like touch at all.

They are correct... honesty, going slow, talking... these things are necessities. I like what lotusblossom mentioned, "he should be eager to please you so e ok about being sensitive". Really, it can be turned into a strength. It has for me, anyway... Yeah, there have been times where it was not... nothing is wonderful all of the time, but largely, sex has been great for me when I am with someone who genuinely cares about my needs and wants along with their own.

I do not know what, specifically your sensory issues are... What sorts of things are bad for you? Mine are pretty easy to deal with, compared to some. I have definite 'no no squares' that people cannot touch unless I take their hands and put them there, keeping my hands on top of theirs. That works for wonders for me. It counters the shock I get from sudden touch, and as a bonus, my husband thinks it's hot. Heh. I got lucky. I have no issues talking about sex. I'll go on about it like I would a band I am into. My husband gets a charge out of me being vocal about it, so while we are having sex I am very vocal... what it does for me (if I really like it), what I want him to do, how much I like this or that, how I like to touch him here or kiss him there. I know that I prefer firm and steady touch so there are some positions that work better for me than others. I know that if I climax before him that I can only tolerate him on me for about five minutes before I go insane, so I always vocalize when I am about to climax, which really gets him going, so that works also. If he is still wanting more when I am done (he has a pretty high sex drive) there are a few things I will gladly do for him. It is difficult to not be overly graphic in a place where I should be pg rated...

What sorts of touch do you like? I have found that if my husband does something that I really enjoy I can become so fixated on that that I am nearly oblivious to all else. A non sexual example would be, if he grabs my arm and moves him thumb in slow circles on my wrist, I do not notice him petting my hair. I do not much care for people touching my hair. I used to react violently to it... I mean I would punch somebody for doing that... I know it is not just him touching my arm that makes him touching my hair ok... though it helps... it is that I am comfortable with him. I am used to how he moves and how he feels and he is very mindful of how I move and react. He knows better than I do when I am going to go into shutdown or meltdown mode. He reads me beautifully. He and I have been married for seven years now, so time has done us a world of good. He has also done the whole bdsm thing... he had some mistress who took a shine to him. He is very good at knowing what people can and cannot take by reading nonverbal cues, he is good at understanding limits and being ok with pushing them just slowly enough to work with them and through them. Took us three years for him to touch my hair for more than a few seconds. I was pleased by it. Now and then I really enjoy a little hair pulling in sex. I get all happy about it. After the first time that worked for us in sex, when we were done I grabbed his face and said, "That was soooooo cool." I have had a lot of those moments with him.

I have been told I am a strange person to have sex with. I am more than willing to try out of the ordinary options to see what does and does not work. I tend to think of sex as a big, fun experiment. So when I am trying to find things that work, I do not see it as a challenge in a bad way, but like a complex puzzle that I delight in putting together. I learned what I hate and learned to get around those things if I cannot work through them. I learned what I like and focus on those things. I learn what my partners needs and wants are and insist we try different ways to try to make every one of those things happen. For me, it has taken trial and error, time and patience and the willingness to think out of the box. I hope this helped some. Really try to see your sensitivities as a strength. It can make you a fun and unique person to be with sexually and like Nan said, "when it works, it's heaven".

I think the first thing to do would be to list the kinds of touch and situations you cannot tolerate and also what your reactions are when overloaded by a specific type of touch (or things in the environment; e.g., light levels and noise). Sometimes I would find it impossible to communicate while being touched because it would take me a while to realise that what I was actually feeling was not good; other times, I would recoil instantly. I now wish I had considered these issues away from the situation or beforehand so I could articulate them adequately.

Also, perhaps not have actual sex for a while, but instead use touch and exploration so you get to know each others' responses. Learning to recognise times when you are particularly stressed might help in avoiding sex that may lead to overload. Reducing general stress and finding ways to relax should also help. I also think it's important to feel able to stop at any time or not partake in a particular activity without negative reactions from the partner. I have not had the opportunity since having relationships to put these suggestions into practise, but these are the kind of things I intend to do if I'm ever in a new one.

Thanks so much, for the honest and helpful replies, ladies! I have not been in a relationship for awhile, and those that I have been in, had always been very frustrating in the bedroom. Thank God the new guy is an Aspie. He seems to be very sensitive and thoughtful, so that is a blessing. I have a feeling that he will understand this.

I think the worse things are being rushed, being overwhelmed by touch that is too hasty, rough, or irritatingly light. The thing is, I have no idea which sensory things play into a sexual experience in a negative way. I never before could process these things with a lover, because I would get so overwhelmed that I would simply avoid sex.

I like very light touch, leading to more pressure. But I have to be expecting it. Something like Shiatsu. I also like my hair played with, but my neck is very sensitive, and I can get angry if someone touches that, unless it was my idea. I'll have to think about this a little more...

This reminds me of my cat. She doesn't like me touching her tummy. So, if I stroke her head and fondle her ears, she will tolerate a couple of strokes on her tummy at the same time. But not for long!

That is very validating.

Good idea!

Same here.

Again, excellent input. These are things that I never realized I should be doing, but having selfish relationships added to the problem. Some men are really clueless on how to please a woman. They only know how to please themselves.

I agree. And I know too much about the hell part.

In wendy lawsons sexuality book she suggests having sex in the bath reduces touch sensitivity and wearing gloves enables touching a partner for longer.

Be honest with him about your issues, what you like and don't like, and that it will probably take a while to figure things out. Take it slow, but find ways to enjoy it.

I know that sex for heterosexual people is rather different, so I'm not sure how useful this will be, but it took my girlfriend and I a few months to get things worked out (granted, we weren't living together or anything). Basically, things would be going well and feeling okay, and then suddenly I would realize I was getting too worked up and would probably go into full overload soon, at which point I would go, "Okay, I'm good," and that would be it for the evening. Eventually, we figured out that just moving more slowly helped a lot, as did taking the top sheet/blankets off the bed (fewer textures, less noise and weight).

[Oh boy, my first post on this forum, and it's about sex. Hi, guys!]

Hi, zimmie! Welcome! Thanks for the suggestions about textures. A curious thing about me, is that certain textures of clothing or other fabrics can feel pleasant against my skin, in a very low key, unobtrusive way. Other fabrics can wreak havoc. I have to have sheets with a really high thread count - cheap sheets feel like cardboard on my skin. I adore pima cotton.

I cannot believe I forgot to mention the no touch exercise. You might like it. It can be a great way to get used to having someone in your space and moving with them without touch. The whole point of the thing is to get as close to the other person as you can without touching them. You can go one person at a time... person one taking a hand and moving it along the others hands, arms... whatever... just to get used to fluid movement from the other. You can also do this simultaneously. It is neat to move palm to palm and kind of follow the other, me thinks. My husband and I did that a lot a long time ago. I forgot how much I enjoyed that... can't believe I forgot about that...

outlier made such a great point about touch exploration. You mentioned shiatsu... you could massage each other. If you both just stick with moving slow and getting to know each others body without sex then that lessens additional stress... always a bonus. Plus it is kind of sexy, moving slow, learning to enjoy each other.

I agree that often men can get too caught up in worrying about pleasing themselves, which is a shame. I am glad to hear your guy is a sensitive and thoughtful one. That goes so far... it is so important and wonderful. And an aspie on top of that? Yeah, I think he will understand as well. It is so great to find men who do not fall into that typical self centered 'all about me' thing in relationships. It sucks that we have to deal with them, but it makes us appreciate those who are not like that so much more... at least that is how it worked for me. I am happy for you. I think this should prove to be a good thing.

That sounds great, dossa! I will add that to my list.

Advice: Discuss, discuss, discuss.

And don't be afraid to try new things.