Face on Fire

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If liars had their faces on fire maybe I'd be able to tell someone is cruel enough to lie to me. Does anyone else have the issue of believing the ones they love to a fault? I feel others have seen or could have seen what I couldn't in my current marriage. I've recently found out a lot of our 8 year relationships has been based on lies. He thought he could change, be the man I needed, claims he fell in love with me- so he lied. Said he was all the things I wanted. Said he was who I needed, not only me, my children as well whom he adopted after we married and before we began having children of our own. Now I find out he has been lying to me about the little things, the big things, everything. I feel so humiliated that I didn't know I was being lied to and taken for a sucker again. This is my third marriage and I seem to be incapable of telling when someone lies to me. Unless it is one of my children- at least I can tell with them now that they are still young!

Does anyone else have difficulty telling if others are lying to them or not?

I am a liar magnet. I wish I had an answer. I've had people tell me they felt like they had to lie to me to meet my standards but I don't think I have impossible standards. I think sometimes people see me as a blank slate they can project their self -delusions on. I also think that because I find confrontations so threatening they know I won't challenge what they say. I am sorry you are going through this. I was going to marry my son's father and found out virtually everything he told me was a lie. It's like having a rug pulled out from under you. I know what you are feeling.

I've also been told my standards are impossibly high. My husband wanted to meet my standards and seems to have been unable to do so as he'd wished. The thing is I don't expect anyone else to do anything I myself am not willing to also do and adhere to.
Strange to hear the same thing about the high standards, like it is something that requires lies to meet. Sounds like the voice of a liar. Maybe one day I'll get the hang of being able to tell.

The thing is I don't go around telling people they ought to be this or that. I just make my own choices and keep my mouth shut. In a group therapy situation I've had people tell me they have lied to people they loved because they wished they could be that person for them. My son's father and I were in a desperate financial situation and he would tell me his mother was lending us money only to find out no money was forthcoming. He told me he would tell me anything to keep me happy for a day. He thought he was doing me a favor. But even aside from that I have for a long time had both male and female friends tell me elaborate lies about themselves. They project who they wish they were onto me.

I don't think he's necessarily lied to you.. I think he genuinely believed he could be the man you wanted, but now realises he can't. How can anyone tell someone they are needed by them? That's just plain arrogance in my mind. You should never believe that no matter who says it. You choose who you need, and what you need. No-one has the power to tell you who and what you need. How can anyone possibly know they're that good for someone? Sorry but if he did truly say those things, he's an arrogant idiot, not a liar.

Yes, the first part of what you said, he thought he could be what I needed, which I spelled out in no uncertian terms. Then later he found out he couldn't. Along the way, while he thought he was changing or going to change, a lot of lies accumulated, like the other poster said, telling me anything that he thinks will keep my happy for a day. Or even an hour. He wanted to be what I wanted, needed, and he thought he could keep the "real him" under wraps until this new man I saw in him and he wished he was emerged somehow under the power of my love and the strength of his will. He sees looking back he has hurt me more than anything, he still wishes he could be the man I need and want, yet he still feels he can't do that. That he will never be able to do what I need.One of the most basic things I need is honesty, and he has lied so much to me for so long I don't think he knows how to function without the lies any longer.

It is sad because he does love me and the children and he isn't arrogant at all. The horrible problem is he is his horrible inferiority complex in which he feels he is too small a man to be anytyhing at all though he is not a looser in life by any means. He has done this injustice to our relationship by being dishonest with me and much less than fourthcoming in all matters great and small. Yet in my former marriages much more painful things happened, as far as I know, this man I love and am married to now hasn't cheated on me, abused our children, participated in illegial activity or any other "deal breaker" behaviors for me. He is just a plain ol liar who has to face who he really is and show him to me to realize I will love and accept him anyway if he is just honest and lets me see him for the man he really is, not who he thinks I want him to be.

Like the other poster said (sorry I can't see the names when I post reply and that messes me up) I seem to have these people in my life to just show me who they wish they were. I just take them at their word. I don't even always speak my standards and just live them quietly. Even my dentist seems nervous around me and my strict standards, lol, explaining her bad behavior eating the suckers they give out to kids (also bad choice) for not squirming during an exam rather than breaking for lunch. Just b/c she is our dentist she knows my habits and my rules for our children, so she felt "guilty" in front of me with her own bad habit? Something like that. It has pushed my husband into trying to be someone he's not. He chose the lies over dissapointing us both with the truth that he isn't the man he said he is in many areas. Just sad, sad realization and don't know how to change my perception and ability to read others. Also sad, I really love this man.

Do you think some sort of marriage counselling would help?