AS women in a NT workplace

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In my job I'm surrounded by NT women who are contstantly chatting to each other and making plans for lunch, and talking about their relatives, what they cooked or ate, or bought, and showing pictures of weddings of people they barely know. I find all this a) utterly boring b) confusing c) distrurbing because I can't relate to any of this. I know that as an Aspie I AM different from them but the daily dose of this makes me feel upset. Somehow, I think I'm over-reacting because as an Aspie I'm not supposed to care about this or even have that many feelings but it does disturb me that there is absolutely nothing that I can relate to with them. Any comments? I would love to hear from somebody who has had a similar experience and how you handled it.

Why must you listen to them talk or join in?


I really don't care.

I've had this in a number of workplaces, and I'm yet to find any good ways of dealing with it. I'm quite certain I go into such workplaces with the word 'victim' tattooed on my forehead in NT-only ink. My inability to participate in these pointless social rituals sees me eventually ostracised and bullied by my colleagues.

Intriguingly, its only ever female colleagues who do this. I've worked in places where I've been the only woman and never had any problems.

I can really relate to this. I used to be a personal care worker--and with 20/20 hindsight am now convinced it must be the most NT profession in existence. It is a socially-adept-female oriented job;

The nature of the work consisting of juggling three housekeeping tasks at once(taxing any scrap of executive functioning I possessed), psychically knowing when the client did or did not want help, and gabbing about the virtues of a particular furniture polish, a new recipe my co-workers wanted try from Good Housekeeping,or rehashing who cheated on whom in the latest episode of Desperate Housewives(UGH!)

Yet for some reason...

Even though I know I'm an Aspie, even though I know that I'm not defective or broken when I find the things average people find easy hard, I still can't help but feel like I shrunk a few inches when I get that look for saying the wrong thing.Or not doing a task fast enough or what not.

So while I'm not much help in telling you how to handle it, I can say this much:you're not alone.

I think it requires creating your own space. A bubble. Where you can become very comfortable. Safe.
At peace.

Eventually, you -- (and perhaps your boss) -- will realize that time spent in the bubble (and not yapping) is very productive. You produce things. Even if they are just ideas. But, now you have something. This feels good. Its yours. It gives you confidence.

As a result, you start to realize that those others are actually far more afraid of being different than you ever were. They're just better at playing the game. However, as a result, they will always be trapped in it.

You are the lucky one.

i lived in a "bubble" when I worked in an office....I was happy not to be one of my bosses minions...got used to passive aggressive joking at my expense...I marched to the beat of my own drummer...had my own set of routines that involved exercising every day during my lunch break while meanwhile I quietly observed the office ladies getting fatter and fatter on all the rich low-nutrient office junk food...In the 2 years that I worked there, two people in the office died from diabetes-related illness...while every day there was a big sugary cake plopped down for everyone to eat....or a big tray of danishes...or something...
I was frequently reminded that the only reason I was hired was because my dad and boyfriend at the time worked for the same company, and it was a music company and most of the employees who worked downstairs were musicians, and a lot of them were a tad "odd'..so that "oddness" was tolerated in me...even though I worked in the office...because I was a working musician.
My boss was always throwing away my recycled office supply "art projects"

I know exactly what you mean. I find it best to block out these sort of conversations with some of the large headsets that cover your ears completely and listen to music if necessary, being in a closed cubicle really helps too, compared to a more open space. I also avoid hanging out in the lunch area where it gets much worse. I think this is probably harder to avoid at some types of jobs than others. My current job in computers includes a number of people who are also quiet and don't talk like this so this is a great relief, I can also find a person or two to talk to in a regular and non aggravating manner. I have not found any help in trying to mix with these people it just makes things worse and gives me even more need to close myself off from them. Try to create an insulated area, avoid the conversations as much as possible, and find somebody you can pass time with more enjoyably for your lunch or off time who does not act like this.

Thank you so much for all of your replies and support. What I value the most is the message that I'm not alone and not so wierd as I sometimes feel. I definitely agree that I'm the lucky one and I also go to the gym at lunch with a heavy-duty book in hand, or CD's to study a new language, or just classical music. Another topic: what about sharing what you do in your personal off-hours? Because what I do is not typical, and the NT's can't relate to the things that I enjoy doing, I'm not keen to share that, quite often getting blank stares or that"bug on the end of a pin, what an interesting specimen " reaction.The unspoken word "different" just hangs in the air. I know that it's NT social courtesy to ask about my weekends or plans for the evening, or holidays, but to me it feels like nosy, intrusiveness. I would like to restrict my interactions to strictly work-related topics. Any advice about how not to come off as rude?

I know what you mean. I have decided there are a couple people who might genuinely care about what I'm doing in my off hours and them I might answer accurately, or sometimes I answer briefly just because I feel like it and let the bug eyed look roll off me and amuse me. However the vast majority of people do not actually want to know and so this can basically just create a very uncomfortable atmosphere if I start talking. It's like when people ask you if you are fine. I have come to believe that when these people ask about what you are doing/did that weekend, etc, what they REALLY want to do is talk about what they are going to do/did themselves. This was sort of a revelation to me. So my stock answer if I get stuck with these people in the elevator or something is "Oh, not much." (Regarding my plans). Then immediately "What are your plans?" (or whatever it was that they asked me). This is 99% effective. They don't pursue what I am doing, they are happy to talk about what they are doing (and were probably looking for a chance to do so), and they don't appear to notice that I'm not actually having a conversation, they're just talking about themselves (you can usually just nod from that point on until you escape the situation). Good luck!

Wow, grendel - that's some really great insight (and great tips as well). Like some of the other posters, I had to endure the other ladies in the office giving me a hard time for always being off in my "own little world" and dishing out passive/aggressive comments. I found listening to music with headphones to be the only way I could really deal with it. It was obvious that I couldn't hear their discussions, so they didn't bother trying to include me in them. At lunch time, I would usually eat at my desk while I surfed the internet. After a few years, people just accepted that that was just the way I was and that it was not meant to be a slight against them.

Back in my office days I was in a band and there were gigs and/or practice several nights a week...and working at a music store I was in good company...there were the classical musicians and the rock musicians who all worked in different departments on the floor....i fell into the rock musician category....I was an odd specimen to the office ladies, but not totally alien to the company...I would get teased about being a "rock star"..I was the only "office lady" who was also a musician...They had no interest in wanting to discuss any of my activities..But I did get along with some of the musicians, like this Scottish keyboard teacher who would often eat lunch at the same time as me....and a lady in the piano department had an adult daughter who most likely was autistic..She was always hanging around, but was very elusive, and didn't talk much..and I couldn't bring myself to try..but I was sorta fascinated by her.

Most of my other work experiences have frankly been service industry type jobs...I have pretty much been given "special treatment" in the workplace ever since my first "post high school" job...I was a sort of weirdo novelty employee...

But I am now semi-self-employed in the chaos of an AS/ADD work environment and normal social groups and interactions are out the window over here...Sometimes I crave a little "NT" style structure...but my ability to grasp it or function within it seems to move further and further away.

I work in an office.
I just do what I need to do,
it is an open plan office.

I definitely do the bubble thing. I'm thankful that University allows me to (most of the time..). When things get busy and there isn't a separate room/corner for me to work in, I tend to get very stressed out. I'm worried about how this will affect my work when I leave University. Apparently the job I'm going into isn't going to have much room for things like that, and it's always very bustly and social. :/

I asked my head lecturer, but he seems to think that I meant that I want to duck my head down and not make myself heard or cause a fuss. Which isn't really what I meant. It comes into it, but I'll raise my opinions when/if I need to. I just really don't like being in a situation where I've no choice but to be in a group scenario.

Back when I had a job I worked in a very gender mixed office, which has worked okay. This is probably because I worked for my local schools government where the slightly strange are the rule rather than the exception.

Plus, the fact that I was noticeably, and sometimes flamboyantly, odd had the desirable effect of scaring off those who couldn't cope with me, leaving me just with the people who on some level related to me. The trouble is, to get to that stage you need to genuinely not care what they think, and that's a hard point to reach.

The job before, though, was exactly how you describe. I spent each lunchtime out walking so as to stay away from a group of people I completely coudn't relate to. Plus, it was a reception role so I couldn't even put headphones on and go into the bubble if I needed to.

Not so much for me. The reality is, in many places, when you don't participate to a certain level it will be noted.

Like the statement of "victim stamped on my head in NT-only ink" --- which leads to this:

[quote ="Dark_Red_Beloved"]Even though I know I'm an Aspie, even though I know that I'm not defective or broken when I find the things average people find easy hard, I still can't help but feel like I shrunk a few inches when I get that look for saying the wrong thing.Or not doing a task fast enough or what not. [/quote]

I've had the misfortune of long-term employment in heavily social places, and it was not a pretty outcome. Almost ruined my life, honestly.

I've /had/ the jobs where the bubbles were allowed, but they aren't very common. It largely depends on finding a tolerant group of cowokers /and/ supervisors.

Lastly, I honestly believe that there are situations in which Aspies are let go over a less qualified person simply because the Aspie didn't fit in. I've seen it happen, and it sucks to know that it's possible. Often, it's an unstated reason. Other times, they move you to a new section/area that they suspect you will not succeed in and when you can't meet the new expectations -- well. Your old spot is taken.


Edit: And I have had a job where one b***h really liked singling me out. I damn near threw her a going-away party when she quit.

Sounds like when I worked at a bank. It was all NT girls obsessing about diets, holidays, weddings and babies (which you are supposed to coo over apparently). The best job I ever had before starting my own business was working in an internet cafe / ISP which was mainly full of geeky boys who I have always got on well with. Bubbles work for a while but they eventually burst if you can't reconcile the two people you have to be.