Sticking up for yourself

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I need some advice about this. I have a major problem sticking up for myself when someone is giving me a hard time or acting inappropriately towards me: my mind goes blank and I literally lose the power of speech. I'm 27 years old so I should be able to do this by now. I was reading another thread on this site about 'Scripts' and it seems that lots of Aspies, myself included, go into conversations/situations with a script in mind (i.e. what to say, possible responses from the other person, your response to that and so on). The problem is when someone not only deviates from the script (i.e. what you expect them to say), but acts like a total jerk when they do so i.e. says something which is totally uncalled for and somewhat scathing/bitchy etc. Words fail me completely.

Example 1:
About 18 months ago I went to my aunt's 60th birthday party. She's an aunt I hardly ever see, even though she lives less than an hour away. I had undergone major emergency abdominal surgery a few months before (and had been serioulsy ill in hospital) plus my grandmother had died less than four weeks prior to this party but I mustered what little strength I had, put on a brave face and went along with my dad (it was my maternal gran). My aunt asked why mum hadn't come and I explained that things were still quite raw and she didn't really feel up to a party right now, that my gran had left a big gap in our lives. To which my aunt threw back her head and let out this enormous hearty laugh. She then proceded to tell me in detail all about how she'd been cycling in the park six months ago and had come off her bicycle, cut her lip, and how traumatic it had all been, whether she would need a stitch or maybe antibiotics. She needed neither in the end. It hadn't even left a scar. I have a five inch keloid scar on my abdomen and at the time was told I might have cancer and had to consent to a hysterectomy prior to surgery (thankfully it turned out to be severe endometriosis but you can imagine the stress and upset I went through at the time). My aunt hadn't even asked how I was (and yes, she did know all about it).

The way she acted was so far from what I expected, I was totally lost for words. To this day I wish I had said something, anything - but I couldn't even speak. My brain was totally fogged. I just nodded and smiled as she told her inane story.

Example 2:
I get no end of crap from doctors: Most of them don't listen to a word I say, and the few who do, instantly dismiss it and decide they know better. Unfortunately, this compromises my health every time and over the last nine years I've become more and more ill. They have said everything from: "You're wasting my time", "You're just looking for attention", "You like making your mother worry", "You need a hobby" and, my personal favourite - in response to severe vomiting, diarrhoea and ~30lb weight loss in less than six months - "Are you starving yourself to look like those children in Africa?" because I said I wanted to work for a non-profit organisation.

Again, I am constantly at a loss. My brain fogs up and there are just no words, but I need to say something. I have to start sticking up for myself, and they have to be brought to account.

Anyway, after people say these things to me I'll spend every night for weeks (months, years...) going over it in my head, saying all the things I wish I had at the time... but of course by then it's much too late and I just end up really angry and frustrated, sometimes to the point of self-harm.

I just need a killer line that I can use to shut them up and make them realise they are completely out of order. Nothing rude though as the people I'm referring to are a) family and b) doctors. I'm posting in this forum because I think how women stick up for themselves is different to men, and also what is expected/acceptable for a man to do is not always for a woman.

Please give me a line that I can use in any situation. I'm guessing it's more about the delivery than the words themselves, but I just need one line to make them realise they're out of order. I'm not looking to solicit an apology, I just want to get them back on topic (i.e. the script!).

Thanks,

VJ.

Ignore whatever they say. The tell say your point as bluntly as possible. Answering a question they should have asked adds icing to the cake as well. Sarcasm rocks.

for example with your aunt: Say, "well, my mom just isn't here. I'm doing fine btw. thank you."

and for the doctors: "if you don't wanna help, just say so."

Sarcasm is good, but also sometimes no words are the best words. If you can't think of anything to say then maybe that means you just shouldn't say anything.

I think I've been in your situation, where I whished that I had the perfect words to say at that moment. I never do, because I hate confrontation.

In my case, though, an expression can say it all.

My boyfriend's mother stayed with us for a month while she moved into her new house. I love her like a second mother. But, there was one day she wanted to pick a fight wither everyone. I watched her get on my boyfriend's back about something trivial and something she could fix herself, and I had no words for the situation.
All I did was keep my face blank. And I raised a single eyebrow, and stared her in the eye. She caught on and backed down, very embarrassed.
Looking back, I thought up the words that I could have said. "Don't you dare ruin the calm in my home" among them, but that one face I made was worth it.

No words :D

Reember that around 60% of communication is through non-verbal means, this is vitally important to remeber if you want to come across in a different way.
You could let your aunt know she's being inapropriate and let the doctors think you're confident and know you own mind without using words.
It's not easy and it takes a lot of field work but you will see immediate (if slight) improvement if you learn about body language.

I agree with the above poster's recommendation of the use of the word inappropriate. It's an assertive but socially acceptable thing to say, and it would work in almost all the situations you described.

When you start to feel yourself blanking out because you can't believe how awful what they're saying is, just blurt "That's totally inappropriate!" While the other person is taken aback and examining whether what they just said was bad you'll have time to gather your thoughts to explain why you feel that way.

I've been in this situation many times, and I know what you mean that your mind just goes blank. I have many 'scripts' in mind for whever the situation comes up, yet when it actually happens, it's like...I just can't do it. It's kind of like it's different knowing in theory, and it's different actually applying it? Something around those lines. I know in my mind exactly what I should say, but then people never give the right responses, and well, it just falls apart from there.

Thanks, I like these, with a little modification e.g. Maybe put in a 'please' just say so to the docs - it'll show them up even more if I'm polite.

I'm rubbish with body language, even worse when I'm anxious or stressed. If all else fails, I think arielhawk has the right idea with the use of 'inappropriate'... Maybe something like: 'That's kinda inappropriate don't you think?' Again, it's a bit softer than just blurting out something and should appear that I'm in control of my thoughts/feelings even if they aren't.

Cheers everyone, this has really helped!

I have this problem as well. In such situations, words flat out fail me. Only once has the right words happened on time. Scripts? I need to look this up.

I never could deal with any of these situations until I learned a lot about psychology and why people do what they do, how it is their own personal issues, and not about me. I think aspies have a terrible time understanding this sometimes. We don't go deeper (that should really be 'shallower', not deeper) than 'truth is all' or whatever. So some of us forget that alot of people aim really low in life, in their interactions, and universal truth and enlightenment is the last thing they are looking for. I am still figuring all this out, at 41.

And I continue to come to the conclusion that it's perfectly okay and many times the best course of action to just let a-holes be a-holes. Like someone above said, if the doctors aren't helping you, get new ones. Two of the best responses I know are non-responses: silence (it drives crazy people nuts and you aren't required to answer or respond to anything you don't want to), and learning to recognize that feeling of discomfort in yourself so that you can respond with either 'pardon me?' or 'I beg your pardon?' to questions that are insulting. Alot of people know when they are being insulting, like the doctors, and are trying to 'get away' with something...so many times they won't even be willing to repeat an innappropriate comment. If they do repeat it you can just raise an eyebrow, or cock your head slightly. I wish someone had told me when I was a kid that it is okay to just not say anything when people are acting strange or insulting, so many times it is the best course of action...even though it doesn't help you with your feelings about what they do or have done.