semi-stepmum

Post Reply New Topic

I live with my bf and we have his daughter with us half the time
When she's in the house I feel left out He is the Daddy and loved by both of us but I am competing for his attention

If the times when we are alone together can be charcterised as us getting 100% love each (he gives me 100% of his and I give him 100% of mine), then when the daughter is with us my bf gets 180% and I get 20% because he gets all my love and all hers and he gives her 80% of his and gives me 20%

I know it is normal and correct, I know I should not expect more, but I don't like it.

After a weekend with the child I am starved of love and attention, absolutely starved but he is all buoyed up by the extra he's been getting, and he'll be ready to go out with his mates or get engrossed in the computer and leave me out again

I live for the time alone with him, and he is happy to do without it for days and days - it makes sense because he is getting so much more love and attention than I am.

I can't just get someone else who doesn't have kids. It took all my life so far to find someone as right for me as he is

If I was engrossed in my interests and doing my own things then it wouldn't matter. In fact I would be glad that he had the child to keep him company while I was busy learning C or whatever

But my brains have gone to mush and all my energy has disappeared and I have become very needy, so ... it's a bit sh**

I think your feelings are normal.

Perhaps ask him to spend the day after the daughter goes, doing something nice together, tell him you need it as you miss him when your sharing him with his daughter. If he loves you he will understand that and want to meet your needs.

Perhaps get a book on being a step parent, I know there are lots as I saw a whole shelf in waterstones book shop.

I often feel bad for my boyfriend as I have 2 kids both with ASD (so high maintanence) who are with us all the time, he is so tired out when he visits that he goes to bed when I put the kids to bed! It is hard making sure everyone gets enough love and it does tend to be a shuffle that at least one person is left out whilst Im constantly over whelmed and smothered. I dont think there are many good solutions, I keep holding on to the fact that its only 8 years till my youngest leaves home, thats not that long, then he will have me all to himself forever

I can relate. I had an ex and he had a son and I always felt ignored and left out when he have his boy. I think I felt jealous and it's pretty normal my mom says.

No, it is not "normal and correct" and you do not have to deal with it. I am a very successful "semi stepmum" myself. I live with my boyfriend, and we have his 2 sons 100% of the time, and we all share the love equally. Please read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It will help you understand your situation (and your boyfriend) better.