I can't identify my feelings or know who I am as a person...

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I didn't exactly know how to title this or where to post it. I find the dating forum to be a bit bias so I decided to post here.

Whenever I see an attractive guy, I never try and post how attractive they are or that I'm into them. The only reason being is that I always assume they have a gf or someone they're in love with.

In the past I've done a bunch of stupid things. One time I hit on a guy that was gay and that wasn't the first of who I was attraced to. The other guy whom I had the galls to ask out turned out he had a gf. What's strange is neither one said they were involved with anyone even though I asked. Maybe my timing was off? I don't know. Why is it everytime I decide to "hit on a guy" they're with someone else?

Anyway I've become paranoide since then and that doesn't help to hear guys complain about girls not doing the asking. And another thing that confuses me is that I always heard that if the guy doesn't do the asking and yet he's still friends with you then it "obviously" means he's not attracted to you. I've heard this from both guys and girls.

I was wondering if anyone else had this problem. I think what makes more paranoid is the experience I had with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend. I had no idea he was cheating behind my back. When I found out through a friend, the girl friend was making it out to be that I was the "slut" and the one going behind his back. I use to get a lot of this in high school even though I wasn't dating or being with guys around that period. In fact, the only "relationship" I had was just that one....the guy cheating behind me. I feel like I can't trust anyone when it gets too intimate. It seems I'm just "asking for it". There were times where I thought I could go without a guy but now it just gets harder and harder. I really don't want to make the same mistakes I did again.

Ah.

Well I guess there ain't many women here.

And I guess I can see why.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give you, so maybe I'm not very helpful in that regard. But I thought I would post just to say that you're not alone in this area. While I've never hit on a gay guy, I have been told by my friends that I have no "gaydar"--to the point where, apparently, I am hilariously oblivious.

And in response to your story about your high school boyfriend cheating on you and others harassing you: I am prone to similar problems. Though I don't know if I've ever been cheated on, I have suffered similar unwarranted harassment. I am also apparently incapable of judging the motives and trustworthiness of others and have a tendency to project my own over-honesty onto others (so I may well have been cheated on at some point and simply never suspected it; it would never occur to me to cheat, so how could it occur to whomever I'm dating?). This knowledge that I can't trust my own judgment has made me rather paranoid about trusting people as well, resulting in a constant battle of my nature telling me that everyone is as trustworthy as I am, and my brain telling me that that is not at all the case.

I'm sorry that I have no advice.

actually, as a guy, i can say that that's not necessarily true.
Some shy guys may try to get close to a girl they like, but just never work up the courage to ask despite wanting to, and end up in the friend zone because they waited too long to make a move or at least show any positive indicators of interest for reasons of poor self-esteem, fear of rejection, etc. *shrug*.

I don't know what to tell you, except that I embody your confusion. Can't seem to figure this relationship stuff out myself--I've pursued because I despaired of ever being pursued, and made an ass of myself plenty. Seriously, I wish I was attracted to girls, then I could play the role of dude, be the pursuer and not be thought weird.

The one time I was pursued, the guy turned out to be a complete cad and was basically out of control collecting hussies on the internet. The harshest part was, I fell for him hard, harder than anyone in my life. So...I know the betrayal you're feeling. I can't offer you any advice, all I can do is let you know that you aren't alone.

I know the confusion. I've never been able to work out how people fall into relationships.

First time I asked a guy out, the guy said yes, but never organized a date, and nothing came out of it. I thought I'd done something wrong because nothing was progressing so I got really stressed out and upset about it. Not to mention the guy wasn't really all that interested to start off with. Second time... it was maybe two months after an abusive interaction (my previous best friend started to sexually and physically abuse me when he was on the rebound, in a nutshell) I was trapped in totally exploded, and I wasn't ready to accept that the abusive part of it happened at all, let alone take on a new relationship. But I didn't know it at the time. Needless to say, the new guy picked up that there was something amiss with me before I did.

Conclusion: I can totally empathize with you, but have absolutely no advice on improving the situation.

The first and only time in my life I ever tried to ask a guy out was in the third grade. I developed this crush on him because he seemed somewhat more decent (albeit in a young boy way) than other, more aggressively mean guys in my class. We had shared a pop once while sitting at the same desk watching a movie as a class treat, and after the teacher pulled one of my hairs to use under a microscope, this guy used to try to pull out strands of my hair on occasion. I guess since it didn't come across in a mean way, I interpreted his teasing as childish flirting.

Anyway, I think I wrote him a note (hazy on that), but the worst part of it is that I wore this denim skirt with lace on the bottom to school that day. I NEVER EVER wore skirts/dresses to school past kindergarten, so it was a really painfully obvious attempt at appearing pretty and feminine--ESPECIALLY after my gesture failed spectacularly due in large part to the fact that he already HAD a "girlfriend," and I STILL persisted like a complete and utter imbecile, and so then he didn't want to have anything to do with me and all the "normal" girls hated me as a group (and who could blame them?), and my one awkward female friend pointed at my attire and asked me point blank, "Is that why you dressed like that . . ?"

One of the more traumatic moments in my life, at least that I brought on myself. Even now, I cringe to remember it, and I genuinely hope everyone involved has forgotten about it entirely. The guy himself is now on our county's sex offender list . . . Yeah.

I think that experience, along with a more minor one which was simply a disclosure of liking a friend as "more than a friend" and his clear and even hostile distaste of me after that, prompted an extreme aversion to any further such attempts. Now I most often feel as if I'm being conned if a man approaches ME in such a fashion, and to tell you the truth I'm not sure I want to form a connection that would most likely end in betrayal or a simple cooling toward one another. I've changed a lot since I was a little girl. I guess as for me, I'd rather misread people for the worse than the better and avoid embarrassment and pain at all costs. "Assume it's how you DON'T want it to be" won't make you happy, but it feels safer. :/

I feel the identifying how I feel part difficult these days. No one makes an effort with me, I mean no guy has asked me out in years and years, no one seems to be even flirting with me lately (apart from married guys at work, which really annoys me) So I know a couple of single guys, but I'm not sure how I feel about any of them.

There are 2 in particular that I think are attractive and both are nice guys. But neither seem to be terribly interested in me. Sometimes I think one of them or both of them might be. But I actually can't work out whether they are just being nice or not.

So after past mistakes where I have assumed someone likes me and told them I was interested only to have them say I mistook friendship for something more, I haven't done anything about it. I don't even know how I feel or which one I like more. I would like someone else to tell me, "by the way, he likes you." But no one has so i don't know. It seems that usually I get told something along the lines of this guy used to like you when he was single. Eh? Gonnae tell me whilst he's still single? No point telling me now.

I can't work this stuff out. Apparently one of my male friends is shy around me because his friends used to tease him about me. My sister told me this last week, 3 years after all this happened. I was completely oblivious. I didn't know they were teasing him. I don't even know why they teased him. Did he like me and they thought it would be funny to tease him about it? If so I'm really angry because if they had encouraged him to ask me out I would have said yes. Or did they know I liked him and they teased him because he had this strange girl he wasn't interested in trying to get his attention. I don't know. This seems to get more difficult the older I get.