Wants to Want Sex

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I have been dating this guy for about 4 years, or maybe 5 I am not sure or really keep count, but this issue has been coming up and I do not know how to deal with it. He had a sexual relationship with his ex-girlfriend, so that means that he has no had sex in about 4 years. He says he loves me and that he cannot imagine find anyone else to be with for the rest of his life, but he is becoming more and more vocal about the absence of the level of intimacy one might expect after 4 years. It took us about 6 months after dating to actually kiss and we sure as never like make out.

We have attempted to have sex a few times and actually did it once, but I just don't really want to do it again, and the main issue that rises up is that I just am not comfortable being touched. I can't even sleep next to him. For a few weekends I would sleep over, and he would notice that I would sound wide awake when ever he said something or did something in the middle of the night and I responded. This is because I never really go to sleep with him next to me. Once I kicked him out my apartment early with the excuse that I had an appointment, but the honest truth was that I needed him out of my bed so that I could actually sleep.

I have boiled my problem down to not liking to be touched, I don't even want my parents touching me, and now I feel bad that my only good relationship might die because of this inability. I love him so much and I can't imagine ever finding anyone else that would fit my personality so well, but he is stating to think that I don't care about his relationship, but he says he is not going to leave, but he feels helpless. I have told him how I feel and that I do not know how to rectify this but I want to. In bed he does all these things to make me feel good, but I don't have the heart to tell him that I just don't like any of it.

It is not like I do not have a sex drive, I do in my head want to have sex, have sexual fantasies, masturbate, but when it comes to reality, even if I was previously aroused, once the touching starts I freeze up and wish I was else where.

How can I help this. At once I thought I just needed to try to do it more, and I would get use to it, but I just end up dreading it and stall and make excuses. I am beginning to doubt if I was ever meant to be in a full relationship and if I should just let him go so that he can potentially have a future more complete relationship.

What can I do? Therapy? Drugs?

Just out of curiosity, how many times have you ever had sex? I once briefly dated a girl who'd never had sex before me and totally got the whole "ick" factor from her. We had a few good experiences, but she really just wanted to be with a completely different kind of guy than me (I'm just not a "bad boy" type, and the kind of high-maintenance, demanding, exciting lifestyle she wanted was just draining on me and my finances). Apparently, she warmed up to the idea after she dumped me. She in short order got married, divorced, hit a wild streak, got pregnant, and moved on to the next victim.

By contrast, there was another girl I had a much longer and better relationship who was also a virgin with NO experience what so ever, and she took to it much more naturally, whereas the other I mentioned was like making love to a dead fish.

My wife, on the other hand, was practically a nympho when we first started dating but has progressed to a point where she only like certain kinds of touches, and even that is no guarantee that anything is going to happen. A lot of that has to do with the fact she had just come out of a horribly abusive relationship before going out with me--the kind of relationship where "no" is not an answer. What we basically did over the years was figure out which kind of touching was good and what was not. We also had two children within three years, so being intimate for a long time was something we forgot how to do.

Honestly, I'm sensitive to physical contact, too and I have trouble with certain kinds of things. I think your solution is figuring out what you're comfortable with and expanding from there. If you don't mind masturbating, then start with that and include him in the process. Take his hand, for example, and put it where you are comfortable and just go from there. It might be a long process, but you might be able to get used to it that way. Eventually you may be able to relax and not freeze up quite so much.

Of course, there's nothing WRONG with not having sex, either!

Well within the past year and a half we have tried about twenty times, and with each time I do not feel a growing familiarity. I don't even feel any different than a virgin. When we are on the couch I can cuddle up to him and not feel pressure or an 'ick' factor, but when we have to do it. Then there is so much I just really don't like. I don't like the smell of him, I don't like compliments, I suddenly feel itchy all over, mostly because of a wool blanket, but I hyper focus on every little discomfort. I don't really touch him, and when he just touches me all over it is just something to get through. I just feel a huge disconnect, and it is hard for me to figure out what I do like of it. What part I am not as uncomfortable with as the rest so I can start there.

I really appreciate other's experiences in knowing that I am not alone with the awkwardness. And apparently there might me a nympho stage, and I can't wait to get to that stage, because I am running out of batteries. Ha.

I don't know but maybe you're asexual? Ever thought about it?

I think it's mostly your ability to relax and enjoy the sensations. Maybe it's just me being a male, but I always enjoyed MOST contact. There were only just a few things I was hypersensitive to, and I dated this one girl for a LONG time who got all hurt because I wouldn't let her do certain things. Well, it HURT! Eventually I just got used to it and even came to crave it. Later on in my college years, there was another girl who was just used to being rough and liked to give just as hard as she liked to take it. The fact that I was just being evil and seduced her out of a committed relationship only gave me an excuse to say "Hey, this isn't right, go back to your man." If she'd dumped him and stayed with me, we'd have had some LONG talks about what she could and couldn't do!

What you need to do is set the pace. It might take HOURS to "get down to business," but it can work if you want it to. My suggestion is this: Try a little change of thought. If you enjoy masturbating, "use" him to masturbate. Maybe not exactly "fingering," but only what you need to get off. If you can reach orgasm that way and get comfortable doing that, you might try penetration until he climaxes. It's not exactly the most romantic fireworks display of a double-climax, but it's better than nothing. If you still feel weird about it, then stick with just touching each other and only trying going further every few days.

My first girl, the one I dated for such a long time, and I were actually trying NOT to have sex, which didn't really work out too well! But for years, we did find some creative things to do.