What should I do.... (fear of intimacy and really long post)

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Ok... well quick background: I'm turning 22 soon, never had a boyfriend, been out on one date (couldn't figure out how to say no in time... so was forced to go), one OFFICIAL date that is, never kissed, held hands, etc... and don't want to.

I have a serious fear of kissing... phobia level, that alone makes me want to never date anyone, because its shameful, and don't want to have to explain it, and very few people would accept that, so just don't want to get into the position where it might happen. Sex... I'm completely uninterested in, but not QUITE as disgusted by it as kissing... but still pretty grossed out and don't really want to do it or think about it (but probably could, if a bunch of correct circumstances happened at once... possibly... *gag*)

On top of that, I fear intimacy... it brings out a bunch of fears in me, that I wouldn't be good enough for them, that I'd lose them, that if I ever did open up enough to let someone in, and something would happen, I'd break completely and utterly... that its not worth all the horrible things that would become of it failing...

And for the last twenty one years, I've been fine. Yeah I've been lonely at times, but on a friendship level. I didn't need a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter... I'm not particularly interested in either gender, so just comes down to the person within), all I wanted was a (or a few) friends to hang out and do things with.

Until this weekend... when I finally realized that I like one of my friends... I've never had a crush before, so didn't even know what this feeling was, and it scares me. I don't like new things, new feelings especially, and don't like not being in control of myself. Its freaking me out... I don't know what to do, to the point that I'm feeling physically ill over it all... I just want to curl up in a ball in a dark corner and never come out (and have been last few days)... all because I realized I like someone.

Now I'm just at a loss of what to do... I have a bad time reading people and body language, and because of that, have a hard time properly expressing myself... so I *KNOW* I do things that I shouldn't, but when I'm there in the situation, I can't help it... I just act without thinking, and afterwords get myself in a lot of trouble (unrelated to love, I put my feet up on a chair and leaned back in work last week... which ended up getting me a lecture on how I can't act like I'm bored or sleepy in front of the factory floor people because I'm getting paid more than them, and they look and see an engineering intern just acting like its not worth her time... <--- I completely did not mean to disrespect them, I just wanted to be comfortable... and now I understand how it LOOKed but didn't mean it >_<;;; I hate when I do things like that *feels so guilty*; also a lot of guys think I'm interested in them because I'm really friendly to everyone, and they perceive it the wrong way...)

So well... this guy at work (IT, so only see him on occassion) started talking to me on aim a few months ago.... and has a really fun [online] personality... could talk to him about just about anything... and me being who I am, playful and joking and stuff, I constantly joke around with random things like "*drives over and mooches internet at Steven's house!*" and goofy things like that... well finally after a while, he let me come over, and made me dinner... then a week or two later he did again (and made me a filet mignon <3 so gooooood... but know they're expensive...); then last weekend my internet was out and was txting him back and forth, and asked him if he wanted to go play laser tag (I know, I'm a child), so we went and had a ton of fun... at work, see him a few times but not much... but been making excuses to go over and talk to him... because its fun and he's really friendly and nice and we relate so well (this friday, I left early, but stopped by to say bye before I left, which wasn't in the way at all, and stood there talking for 15 mins... I know this doesn't look good for someone who "just wants to be friends"... so he's got to be getting the wrong impression, but I can't really stop myself)

Now its come down to being horribly distraught over it all. He's not attractive at all (in fact, is way too skiny and bothers me... looks like he's about to break at any moment), but has the best voice ever... and is really fun to goof around with, and we relate really well--- so my friends are just like "Just date him and get it over with"... but because of *points up* a whole shedload of reasons, I dont WANT to date.... but I also don't want to have to deal with feeling this way all the time >_<;; I just don't know what to do...

One good thing is that he seems to need just as much space as I do... like he's got a 2 bedroom apartment just for himself because he doesn't like being around people for too long; which is cool because I'm often the same way (guy living with me last few weeks and omg... he's so.............. /needy/.... he gets lonely way too quickly so hangs around me in my room, so I don't get any personal time >_<!... so yeah, needing a lot of space is another reason I don't want to date...)


What would you guys do? Will these feelings ever get more managable?

A friend (who knows that I have asperger's and seen a few documentaries on it) asked if I could ever feel love... and I honestly don't know about that... I can feel a desire for others to be safe and unhurt and happy and stuff, but don't know about "love"... what exactly does it feel like to "love" someone? >.<

Sorry for the long post... just feeling really weird x_x


edit: whoops, meant to post in love and dating, didn't see I was in this forum >_<! !! !! (well I am a woman... if it counts...)

I can relate to this big time; I'm still afraid of losing my boyfriend and every time I let him in to one part of my mind, I close off another part of my mind to everyone. I'm not trying to be rude but, honestly, even if "all the horrible things" do come true, in the long run the good things outweigh the bad by a lot.



About his looks, didn't you say earlier that "it just comes down to the person within?" Good looks are usually just a bonus for the people who care about the personality! And besides, I'd rather have a guy with a great voice than a pretty face.
Something I've noticed is that all the cute guys are jerks, all the nice guys aren't all that good looking and all the cute, nice guys are either gay or taken.
I don't know what to tell you about dating him/asking him out, you'll have to weigh the pros and cons for yourself.



Yes we Aspies can love, and I believe that we can love more deeply than someone who is NT.

All that I can say now is Good Luck!

Yeah... I'm trying to get myself to think positive, but thats just one thing that REALLY gets me down... one of the few things out there that seriously bother me... I just don't know how I'd handle it... if I could... see so much misery, and being close to suicidal on quite a few occasions from just living, seems really scary to put myself at risk for serious pain...

Maybe if I was "normal" I'd be able to deal with it, but I know that all my friendships have good and badsides. That enough pecularities interfere with every day things, that I'm not able to enjoy the friendships as much as I should.... I know right away, that I'd be seriously uncomfortable for a good portion of the relationship-- maybe after a few months I'd settle down and get to enjoy it like normal people do, but new things are traumatizing... specially nervious situations (was really close friends with a guy before, and he was REALLY interested in me... and got closer and closer and closer... like I'd go in my dorm room and not know how to send him away when he followed me... and plop down wanting to take a nap... and he'd climb up into my bed next to me x_________x *crawled under all 8 of her blankets so atleast wasn't physically touching him* and fell asleep next to me... I was just shivering and horrified entire time, not knowing what to do.... and we hung out every day, just... couldn't bear being that close to him >.<)



You're exactly right. And seeing how I'm not really physically[sexually] interested in people, it doesn't make a difference. Much. I have to say, I do enjoy looking at some people for their attractiveness, just because they're pretty. Same as some cute stuffed animals I have and cant stop admiring, or a pretty geometric painting -- it'd be nice to admire him (but not a requirement no)

Was also saying it because... of my 3 friends (Ben, Dennis, and Steven)... Ben is rather attractive and been friends with me for 3 and a half years... understands the aspergers, and looks out for me... and has flirted with me on occasion, so potentially interested in me (note: this is as of yesterday... as of today, we'll talk about that on bottom). Dennis has been a friend for a year and a half, and not half bad looking either... and also hangs out with me a lot (for me thats huge... not many friends wnat to hang out...), I don't know if he likes me or not, but doesn't matter. Then of them all Steven isn't really good looking... only known him for half a year... have only hung out a few times, but the only one I ever liked? It's just... illogical >_<!

Although his voice IS amazing. I loved it the first second I heard it... its so deep and good humored... like he's always on the edge of laughing... I never noticed anyones voice until I heard his... it just shocked me how nice sounding it was XD (wonder if that caused me to like him? haha... did read an article on how women are attracted to guys with deep voices, and that those guys have a higher fertility rate... same with women and high pitched voices... so something biological possible (not that I have a high pitched voice, thank god))


As for dating him.... I still don't want to date. But if he asked me...... then what?! >_<! !! !! I can put things off like no other, but being put into a yes or no situation like that, and... ugh I don't know what I would or should do...



Yeah... I know we're capable of it... but just don't understand how I might feel... or how I'd know... to me loving is just caring deeply for someone... which I suppose really is the same thing. I just find it really difficult to say I love someone/something. Not even my parents... about 3x a year I'll toss out a "I love you" to them, just so they don't think I'm a spoiled brat or hate them or anything... and every time they're shocked to hear it, because no matter how often they say it at the end of a phonecall, or email, or goodbye at airport, I rarely ever respond as such.... because its so awkward and doesn't really have any meaning to me. Doesn't mean I don't care for them, I do... they're amazing people, and amazing parents, and I really don't want the slightest bad thing to happen to them... but saying "I love you" is just... weird.

But... then again, I have a difficult time with emotions... (sadness and tiredness are the same exact "emotion" to me--- intellectually I understand the difference, but feeling it myself and I don't know which I'm feeling. I feel... "empty" all the time... I guess the word would be "content" but doesn't really fit the full definition of content... more like... a dark stale cave or someshit, I don't know, I suck with analogies. But I like to blast the music in the car really loud so that it can shake my ribcage to the point it feels like my heart is beating really fast.... just so I can feel a sense of "Fear".... because feeling SOMETHING is better than nothing, since I'm always feeling nothing)



Anyways...... I was typing all that up yesterday, when I got a phonecall from Ben.

Quick backstory: Ben has been a good friend for a few years now. He's let me join him and his friends in a lot of activities, when most people just ignore me. He knows I don't drink, and sort of treats me like a younger sister... inviting me along to game night, but warning me that there will be drinking there, if thats ok. Stuff like that. Normally people are like "oh, she doesn't drink, she's no fun, not gonna do anything with her!" But Ben always included me. He got engaged recently, and we still hung out a lot (his fiance was gone for training over summer and he was loosing it... so I was there a few days a week keeping him company and helping him along...). Well a few months ago, they broke up... and Ben got really suicidal, and tried killing himself a few times. Long story short, he ended up in a mental hospital, and when he came out stayed with me for a few weeks. We talked about a lot of really personal things and he found out more about AS, and later has looked up some. He also knows about a lot of my oddities like lack of feeling emotions, or trouble reading people, and disliking being touched and stuff, and accepts that.

Back to now...
Day before yesterday he wanted to hang out, but I wasn't in the mood... so yesterday after giving me some space/time, he asked why. After a while finally told him it was because I liked someone. We hung out some, got home, and he calls me...
He's practicing this truth thing, where he says what he really thinks and feels at all times to people (while I almost always speak the truth, I keep a lot to myself because of shyness/embarrassment. So if I see someone with a pretty dress, I don't say anything; he will now). And admitted that when I told him I liked someone... he hoped it was him. That... he feels like he could take care of me better than someone else (but admits that that may not be completely possible).
He said some strange things... like "please just take this at facevalue... I know you can... I just don't want you to look too deeply into it and read more into it than I mean... but I think we could get married... and not hate each other. That we're somewhat compatible in that way." <-- that we understand each other enough to bear with each other...
While I understand what he means.... holy s**t.

He also said stuff like... he just doesn't want me to get hurt, that "I'm glad you don't like contact" because... I guess it would make it harder for someone to date me, so less likely for me to get hurt? wtf. I don't understand what he was trying to say there >_<;;;;

And that... he doesn't know Steven... but "you are one strange individual..." and he just doesn't trust anyone... to not hurt me...................... x_x;;;;;;




In the end... this was a 4 hour confusing conversation of way too many emotions and silence on my end... but what I got out of it, is that he just doesn't think I'm capable of dating anyone... or doesn't want anyone but him to. x_x;;;;;






Back to Steven... I think the way I'm treating him is considered "flirting"... but its so fun ._. and don't wanna stop talking/playing around with him... =/ when I went over to his place, we were just talking, but I was comfortable... and laughed like I haven't in about 8 years... which is somewhat of a good sign... *SIGH* I don't know ; ;


Sorry for even longer post... I'm a really wordy person when I open my mouth (fingers).

Well, the good news is it sounds like you are very comfortable around Steven. Getting to this comfortable place might help you cope with your intimacy issues. I don't put my trust in anyone unless we've been close for a very long time -- I trust exactly 4 people in this world, but number one on that list is my husband. A lot of that has to do with how our relationship grew -- my husband and I were best friends on a completely platonic level for two years before we developed romantic interest in one another. By the point we fell in love, I already trusted him as a friend. I knew I could tell him anything -- and a good thing, too, because like you, I'm grossed out by kissing. Since I was so comfortable with him, I told him up front that I don't like that -- which was a disappointment for him (he likes french kissing). Nonetheless, he respected my wishes and we found other things that made neither one of us uncomfortable.

If Steven really wants to be with you, he'll respect your feelings about kissing. Think about what your limits are -- do you mind a closed-mouth kiss on the lips? Can he kiss your cheeks and eyelids, or nibble on your ear? Can you return the attention? It is possible to have a loving, romantic relationship without having to kiss, but you may find that after you are with him for a while you can do it every so often. Once in a while I can kiss my husband open-mouth and not mind (but I recoil if there is even a hint of tounge; it's like eating a slug or something). And don't worry about what he looks like -- skinny guys aren't my type either, but I had a wonderful, passionate relationship with a skinny guy before I met my husband. They're not all bad!

Thanks for your post... its encouraging...

Still... I don't know, I don't really have the strength to try it... new things are scary and frightening (which is weird, because when it comes to life things, I'm ok with it... like moving out on your own, or starting a new job... but the whole... mental involvement stuff is too much... like FINDING the job, and dating, and that stuff... too scary!)

I know I should probably stop messing with him, because its unna give wrong expectations and stuff.... but its so fun >_<;;;

Don't most people like... look forward to 'making out' and that sort of thing? I feel like I'm taking a huge part of the relationship away by restricting one to no kissing :X... and its so unbelievably embarrassing to bring up... took me years to admit to anyone online, and no one irl knows (although a few ppl irl know about me cutting, which is also shameful, but no where near as embarrassing.)

I don't know, when it comes to things like this, I just don't feel remotely worthy of anyone... that they're all better off finding someone else, and I'm just screwnig things up for them (although I know that if they ARE say, dating me, than they could leave at any time and I'm not forcing them or anything.... still feel totally self conscious and depreciating)

But yeah, I am somewhat comfortable around him.... but don't think I would be if we went 'on a date' (officially that is)