what are girlfriends?

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An unconventional question (from the Lab Pet) since I rarely frequent the Women's Discussion. I've observed local Neurotypical females at a cafe I frequent where I study/read alone and have coffee. They sit at a table in a circle and knit. Especially, they talk. About what? I am a bit perplexed. Admittedly, I have overheard them speak and I do not really understand; they speak about each other, domestic stuff, knitting (?) and just chat in a very lighthearted manner.

Then I've come to realize.....I don't have girlfriends. What does it mean when 'they' get together for a 'girls-night-out' or to spend the day together? Personally, I dislike shopping and it's a chore with merely functional pruposes. I don't know how to knit either (plus, I am not invited). Related, I do cut frozen neural tissue, which is the same repetitive movement as knitting. Personally, if I need a sweater I just buy one at the store. However, am I missing something? Maybe I need a girlfriend/sister.

I really like men and I am heterosexual. Men are easier for me. Granted, I have (few) friends/acquaintances, but mostly men. Should I seek a female friend(s)? I mean, sometimes I think I'd like to have a friend, really. I don't 'hang out' and I think it would be fun to have a gf to watch movies with sometimes, sans chic flicks. I know they can shun, but maybe I could find one.

Further, I consider WP females to be my friends. You are my friends. My bff. But, what about 'real life' gf? Do any of you know? What are they? And why? I am so lost. I want a friend too.

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Always have--I've gotten along better with males my entire life.

Right now, the closest I have to female friends are people I work with. We get along, but don't get together much/at all outside of work.

I consider you a friend too.

Oh boy. I could do a whole rant about trying to make friends with other women...but if I did, it would be very nasty (even at a distance) to the few I HAVE made friends with, and that wouldn't be fair.

I don't relate to most women, unless they're very geeky. (And online this is far more likely to be the case, so I don't feel like I'm talking to a stereotypical woman...though I WILL say that online women are still more likely to be catty in their meanness, whereas men just come out with whatever offensive thing is on their mind.) Men I feel like I can be myself with to a greater extent.

Most "girly" activities I absolutely DESPISE. I could have a Bible study with women, because I am deeply interested in that, but I find that I tend to take the discussion beyond where a lot of other women go, and am more likely to get the "hard" discussion I want with men.

I do better with men as well.

In general, women are more socially complex. They are not as straightforward as men and I find this very difficult to deal with. I rarely have much in common with other women and I generally do not find them very accepting of me.

There are some women out there who I could be great friends with but they are a bit difficult to find.

the only flesh and blood people i've spent time around in the last few years have been women, because i've felt a need to have a "girlfriend" - all of these people have been my girlfriends. i just didn't have the motivation to make guy friends - i'd like to have them but it's such a huge task that i never bothered. maybe you spend more time with men since you're a heterosexual and you have more motivation since you think the male friends you spend time around might eventually be a romantic/sexual partner.

that sounds like distinctly NT preoccupation, sort of like bunch of hens prattling to each other while they knit, don't think it has anything at all to do with them being lesbians

I honestly have mostly male friends. Of the female friends I have, I have difficulty "striking up a conversation" with them. It's really always been this way -- and you're right, about it being easier on some levels. WIth male friends I don't have to deal with people being less straight forward and a lot of the emotional issues that sometimes come up with female companionship. But, my issues lies in these male friends asking me out when I have no desire for any type of relationship.

Good comments......To add: At my apartment there are some older couples that live on the first floor and I so much like those ladies - and they talk to me! Older individuals (male or female) are so much better/easier and far less critical and superficial. At least from my perspective.

Quite astounding how Neurotypical females have so many gf's to spend time with, and how selective they must be. They do seem to have some finesse at acquiring friends, but they can be very exclusionary too.

Girlfriends have always fascinated me - they all seem to laugh, talk at the same time - it's like they share a brain - one which likes odd things like shopping for shoes.
I've had a mix of male and female friends throughout my life - none of the "normal" variety and find the more "normal" men to be just as annoying as women, though in slightly different ways.

Relating to mainly males is not an "Aspie" thing.

My Mum is NT and she could always relate to men better as well. I relate to both equally, but males better.

Males can be fine in small doses, when you've worked in a company of 100 males and 5 females you realise how different you really are. The talk can get very sexist very fast. I recently had a girls night the other day for the first time ever and enjoyed it very much.

Lets be honest, aspergers females can probably relate to them better because half of them want to shag you so they're nice and understanding etc. With female friends theres none of that, its all about doing the right things socially.

It seems like a lot of AS girls get on better with guys...I feel like that too, but I never had many guy friends cause they seem to be intimidated by me.

All my friends are girls. I never understood the knitting thing either, but I think it's just a reason to get together..."we all knit so we get together and do it." I talk about different things with my friends depending on who I'm with. We rarely do stuff like go out to lunch together and just talk, we usually do something (even if it isn't exciting) because you run out of things to talk about. Grown/middle aged women (I'm assuming they were that age if they were out knitting, lol) have stuff to talk about like marriage, kids, etc usually. If they're old enough to be retired they often have time to get involved in stuff (travel, for instance) that would give them stuff to talk about.

I also get along better with guys, but I have two very close female friends in my life.

The first is Sammi, though I do not see her very often. I've been friends with her since I was a kid and she makes me laugh harder than anyone else ever could.

The second is Lakota and she and I hang out more often than I do with Sammi. Lakota and I usually go antique hunting (I am obsessed with antiques), draw, paint, write, make costumes (her interests are my own), watch films, stuff like that. She's not a girly girl. She's more of a tomboy and an artist like me, so we do art stuff!

Hi LabPet,
I am new here, I have not been officially diagnosed and I am not even sure if I have Aspergers or not.
I can relate to your post though, to me it is absolutely true. I don't hang out. It is a waste of time and energy. I don't knit, it makes me nervous and I only shop for a purpose, not for fun. My friends are people with the same interests but they are very few.
I have only one good friend and I am very thankful for her. Well, that's life I guess. Sometimes it makes me sad.

Last edited by Mitsouko on 19 Jul 2010, 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

A friend that is a gurl.

You've noticed this too?

I've always found this strange. I don't find all girls to be gurly but I do find it hard to be friends with them. I'm not a very perky person and have trouble smiling. I've had many girls take me the wrong way or so I thought. Even the macho type can act pretty cruel. It isn't so much I don't relate to girls or that there aren't those out there who don't share the same common interests as me, it just seems like so many of them act catty or too cautious to be friendly. As quirky as I am with social skills I do try and be friendly and it seems the only friends I attract are guys. So I'm not sure what that's about. I really don't try and hold a prejudice of one gender over another but it would be interesting to find out why some females go to both extremes of being unfriendly to closeknit.

Whenever I read these threads I always worry I may also be coming off deceptive, artificial, catty or whatever.

Mitsouko: Thank you for what you wrote (and welcome to the Wrong Planet)!

I'm the same and I am a very feminine female. Males are much easier. If/when a female bullies then it's especially pernicious and hurtful. And they have friends; gossip is bullying too. I am a bit leery of females for this reason. Seemingly the females that are nicest are maternal towards me. I am not a competitive person, at all, and apparently females can be painfully competitive or even jealous - how unfortunate.



Oh, the contrary. I always like your posts and you have so much to say! (Your new avatar is cool too).

In all respects, I think Kat15 said it best - - they are just friends who are female! In theory, it should not be any harder than that.