What Effects Can Bullying Have on Girls During Adulthood?

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from my own experience, having Asperger's, i've been bullied from kindergarten up to Make-Up school. as it happened, it has left me a lasting impression on my way of thinking on how the world works around me. i've become isolated, bitter, self-loathing, judgmental, defensive, pessimistic, incapable of trusting people, questioning society and so forth.
all that also made me realize that i'll never have a friend or a 'significant other' later in life. i know later on i'll be more miserable than i am right now because they're will never be someone who will accept me for the way God created me.
anyone who says, "there's somebody for everyone" is a damn lie. not when people used me and made me feel worthless because i'm different from what they are ever since i was little.
here i am, 25 yrs old (going on 26) and still lonely. i guess i'm gonna have to keep it that way knowing that people are untrustworthy and that men will only be using me just for manipulation & sex. i never had a boyfriend because i know he'll use me to his own advantage, that's how men are. i refuse to let that happen to me because i'm already screwed over enough with all that drama and with being on the spectrum.

i wonder if are other women of my age or older with these feelings after life-long history of being bullied or isolated. how did that effect you as an adult?

Last edited by ttqs84 on 13 Apr 2010, 7:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You sound just like my sister. She has EVERY one of those feelings. She was bullied pretty bad as a child. She is married to a wonderful person, but neither one of them are happy. I wish I could change the way she feels, but I can't. The only thing that I can say to you is that you are only 25. For me anyway, the 20's were just as hard as the teenage years and I wouldn't redo those years for anything. People really don't grow up until their 30's. I'm not going to patronize you by saying there is someone for everyone, however if there is and you do meet them, make sure you don't think wrong of them because of your past. They may be few and far between, but there are decent people out there. If someone really likes you, they will be fine with what you have and choose to offer, and you may pass up a good thing because you're apprehensive. I'm not necessarily talking about boyfriends either, I'm talking anyone who wants to be a real friend to you.

Hang in there! Don't let life make you bitter. You owe yourself more than that!

Hey, never say never! I thought the same until last year when I met my current boyfriend. (edit; that's not intended to sound patronising; I really did used to think the same way)



I agree, it is a lie. There is more than one person for everyone and the type of person that suits you may change as you age and your tastes and personality change. The other person also changes too. Maybe you were a bit cynical or different for most teens/young adults, but as everyone matures, more people will start becoming pessimistic too and share more of your views.



Some will try. Others will genuinely like you for who you are. If a guy was really just after sex or good looks, and didn't care about your personality, they could probably get someone like that at any nightclub. If they are willing to invest in meals/dates etc and spending time with you, chances are they find you attractive (in looks and personality. Guys aren't as shallow as Hollywood likes to pretend) and want to get to know you better. I think you need to work on dropping the misandry a bit; it will stand in your way of meeting anyone, more than any other factor. Think about it, would you want to go out with a misogynist who thinks all women are gold-digging whores? Wouldn't be my choice personally.



I did. And I also went through a phase of 'all guys are jerks' thinking before I got my first boyfriend. I think it was because I was almost scared to get one because I 'knew' I wouldn't be able to tell if he was a jerk and so thought I would be open to being abused and taken advantage of and would never recover etc.

The thing is, it's not that difficult to spot the jerks and even if one does slip through the net, well, so what? Dump him, get the heartbreak over, and move on. In the great scheme of things, it really is better to have 'loved and lost than never to have loved at all', because some of the fear is gone and you really do learn from the experience. I never thought before that I would have the strength to get through a broken heart, or get over someone really hurting me, but actually, it was a good lesson and I'm a lot wiser (relatively) as a result and I know I could do it again if I had to (hope not) *touches wood*.

As for the pessimism and judgement etc, that'll fade as your confidence grows. Even if it doesn't completely, it doesn't matter all that much. Some people like cynical partners; my bf's one of the most judgemental people I know. Sometimes it drives me up the wall, but most other times I think it's funny, or hardly notice it at all. As long as you learn not to take yourself too seriously and admit your faults and accept others', then people will be more accepting of yours too.

Last edited by Lene on 13 Apr 2010, 3:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I share your experience,feeling and views and I'm a man,
Your experience have nothing to do with your gender,
Not long ago a girl killed herself because she was bullied by other girls.

actually one of the traits that marks AS as strange and consequently a victim is that many of us doesn't follow the stereotypical behaviors of out gender
i'm a big strong man and was abused and taken advantages of be seemingly very delicate and sensitive women because like many AS I'm a sucker by nature
I don't really believe love is possible and spent most of my life in total solitude but i guess there is a good chance that another AS would accept u as u r for obvious reasons/

Something that won't help you wrt. a boyfriend but which might make you feel better in general is taking up a martial art (I think there's a thread on that somewhere around here). You can research the different arts and get a feel for one you might like to try, but don't get your heart set on a particular type: go to all of the dojos in your area and find one that has a 'feel' you'll be comfortable in as a woman - not an object to be gazed at, not a 'weaker' obstacle to be tolerated, not a girl to be taken care of or 'saved,' just another student. Don't choose one until you've seen them all. It's really hard at first, but it does wonders for your feeling of being in control of yourself.

Absolutely right, nara. This is not a gender effect. It's the result of a lifetime of being treated as defective, thus having less value than other people. Guys get their souls squashed, too. Show of hands, everyone?



Well, if that's what you 'know' then that's what you can expect to see. I've known a few people who actually accepted me for who I am. Unfortunately, that does not mean they don't find my quirky behavior frustrating in the extreme, and the feeling is mutual, but they're not all intentionally abusive. There's a big difference between disagreeing and being bullied and abused. I've seen plenty of both. My last partner would still be with me now, but it was I who came to the realization that I can't share living space with another human being without being driven insane. So I can't blame my current state of isolation on anyone but myself.



Well...yes...and no...I do think it's possible to meet a person or perhaps several over the course of a lifetime with whom you may have some deep spiritual sort of resonance. I'm sorry to say, however, that's not a guarantee that you'll settle down in an ivy covered cottage and live happily ever after with that person. My soulmate has had children with three other people instead of me and is currently living in a forest several states away. That notwithstanding, I have never stopped loving her with every atom of my being since I first laid eyes on her over thirty years ago. Go figure. I have to assume we lived happily ever after together in a parallel dimension somewhere.



Wow. That's a lot of heavy baggage ya got there (and I thought I cornered the market on cynicism and bile). I do find most humans to be untrustworthy, or at best wholly undependable. They have an amazing capacity to sail through life without ownership or responsibility of their behavior, oblivious to the carnage they leave in their wake and again I insist - gender has nothing to do with it. They're almost all selfish idiots. Almost.

But you need to take a step back and examine your own attitude and the effects that is likely to have on the people you meet. If you go round believing that absolutely every guy you ever meet is out to use you, you're going to present yourself as defensive, angry, suspicious and hateful and that's not attractive. Nobody is even going to want to use that temporarily, much less embrace it in a relationship. The truth is, relationships are not easy and they often fail, not because of evil manipulation on anyone's part, but because people just have a hard time getting on together on a long term basis. There may not be one perfect person for everybody, but there are distinct personality types and sometimes you just have to try on several until you find one that sorta fits. As the song says, love hurts, but if that's what you really want, you have to stay in the game and take your lumps to win like everybody else. Crying when you get injured is allowed, but if you take yourself out of the game, you forfeit - no blaming the other team.

BTW, being 'used for sex' isn't necessarily a horrible thing. It can work both ways, and it passes the time while you wait to meet someone you feel a little more strongly about. As long as you know up front that's what's going on and everybody's cool that that's all it is, nobody has to get hurt. The trick is not getting attached in spite of your best intentions, but if that happens, you can't blame the other person for that.

I can tell you're really down right now, but don't be so hard on yourself, or men in general and try not to be so defeatist. I do believe life runs in various interlooping cycles, so no matter how low today may seem, there's an upswing somewhere a little ways down the track. Some weeks holding on to that belief is the only thing that keeps the gun out of my mouth. So far, it's always proven to be a reliable philosophy.

Last edited by Willard on 13 Apr 2010, 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just turned 24 myself never dated/had a boyfriend/NO social life/ZERO friends etc. I'd love for friendships etc. I've screwed up so much in life sometimes you want to give up!! !! As in WHY bother trying to make friends/socialize etc. I'll probably never fit in with "the norm" I'll ALWAYS have "bad behavior/issues." there's no pill/evaluation/analysis by anyone that's going to change that!! ! So I understand where you are coming from except I have a small flame I WANT to give a second chance and find friends etc. but maybe not try so hard I don't know what to do?! !! !!

I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't trust people either because of the way I've been treated in life and I think people are always talking about me, Its quite damaging.

I try and be friendly as much as I can to people and you still get ones who treat you like crap for no reason. I've learned I have to weed the dead wood out of my life and i've only just started doing it.

If you don't have friends and have resentment issues, have you tried some form of stress and anger release like kick boxing, or even simple excersise? That really helps, If I feel like im punching people I hate in the face I usually feel better afterwards, so I can concentrate on those I dont hate.

Also talking to a professional and releasing negative energy can help, whatever you do, just find some way to release negative energy so you feel you can be guenuinely friendly to people and make friends.

I'm male but this is 100% me (sans make-up school).



If you are still in the stage where you see the entire world being against you, then you're suffering from PTSD and don't even know it. Likely, you have visions of past hurt overlayed over new and promising events, painting them "through a glass, darkly" and making you believe that because similar foreshadowing takes place, the outcomes will be similar also.

I had this problem with beatings. I noticed that people who were attacking me in school often laughed at me first, or even WITH me, and started off being friendly to get me to lower my guard.

So, in a subconscious effort to avoid future beatings, I started being afraid of groups of guys(and girls) walking around the streets in the evening and laughing. When I'd hear the laughter I'd just cross the street, because I was sure they were laughing at me, and that I was about to get hit.

I'd see faces of my past attackers projected over theirs, and I was completely unaware that this wasn't normal.

Took me a while to erase this mental programming, only with help of martial arts.

i don't get it. what's your point?

My point is that one of the effects of bullying is to make you feel helpless and give you low self-esteem, and it sounds like you have both of those issues in spades; martial arts can help to ameliorate that.

just where are you going with this one? i'm a virgin for a reason - SO I WON'T BE THOUGHT OF AS A WHORE LIKE MOST GIRLS ARE TODAY! i won't stoop that low. i believe sex should be done between people who love and care for each other. if i ever lose my virginity, i want to feel like i'm wanted both emotionally & physically. i don't want to be considered a one-night stand or just another piece of ass in line like all guys want us to be. and based of that statement of yours, i guess that's what you want for me be. i mean...hello...you're a dude, right?

I am a dude and feels and behave on this matters much like u
more than that,it pained me greatly to see that too many people behaves like whores (males and females)as i see this as the main reason behaind so many of the terrible wrongs in our society like the distorted and perverse way parents treat their kids or the shamfull and wastfull athics at the workspace and acedemia
our society is divided between whores and pimps,
that why normal,creative,decent people who can love and need to be loved are bullied and outcasted,
if more people would be like u the world would be heaven

just so u know that many dudes stay virgin for many years even so they are shamed and ridiculed by everyone around them
many autistic who have the misfortune of being good looking suffers constant harassment and vindictive treatment from everyone because the stick to the point of view u described
including their family who supposed to defend them and professionals who get paid to help them
it's a shame
because the ability for true love can change this world to something we can't even imagine
some day it will

I'm not exactly 'experienced' myself, but who are any of us to say that there's something wrong with the people who can have casual sex and get along with everyone? As long as they use effective protection, they're not hurting anyone. It seems, in fact, like they're happier people for it.

the ones who 'get along' with others are the people who get their kicks of bringing down who those different from them & take advantage of them just for personal gain (there also those trying to go along with what the crowd does to others to seek their approval)...or worse, rape them, get them pregnant, and give 'em STDs.

"they're not hurting anyone. It seems, in fact, like they're happier people for it."

really? like they think it's gonna make everyone feel good, right? thanks for reminding me why being a virgin is a healthy choice.

So you really didnt want to be reassured or commiserated with , right? You just want to rant?