my young husband may have Asperger's

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So, where do I begin.

I am now accepting the possibility of my husband having Asperger's as a reality, afer being married to him for just over two years. Previously, I had been very confused. The most confusing aspect of my husband's personality being the mere fact that he was (seemingly) an extremely social person when we first met. First of all, he was a theater major in college, which forced him to interact with many different kinds of people and to have an extroverted personality. He went to a lot of parties, and socialized a great deal. He was a big hit with everyone he knew. At least to his young girlfriend, who visited him from out of state about every 3 months, it appeared this way.


But then...


Things between us became more serious, and he wanted to take it verrrryyy slooowwwly... which at the time was ideal for me, since I had for only a year been out of a very emotionally-driven, messy, long-term relationship that moved way too fast. He was always very affectionate and loving with me, and take note of this...always interested in what I had to say, and what I thought. Which for me, was entirely unique to his sex--and highly appealing. But, it wasn't all about me. I found him to be extremely thoughtful, and caring, and a comfort in times of stress. I also found him to be adorable, sexy, very witty and honest, and I fell head over heals.

One day he out of the blue proposed to me, and we had been inseperable ever since...our situation had us both moving out of our comfort zone, and where we had previously been living and to another state basically to get married and start our lives together...this is when I began to notice his symptoms.

When we first moved in together, I noticed he was content to just take things out of the boxes he brought with him, but not really unpack. After observing this behavior for about a week, I offered to HELP him unpack. This turned into me doing all myself. While doing this I noticed that the majority of what he owned consisted of DVDs and CDs. While we dated I was aware and intrigued by his eclectic tastes in music and movies, but that realization that this made up the majority of his possessions worried me. Then once he was all unpacked, (by me) he started going through his things and mulling over them for hours.

Keep in mind, I find nothing wrong with having an interest in my own possessions, but I was his young fiance, who he had just moved in with, and he was spending the majority of his time sitting around listening to music and watching movies, in a room, by himself.

Going back, while we were dating my then boyfriend LOVED taking me to concerts and shows, but we did this together, and he spent the majority of the time focused on us being there together, and spending time together. We did other things to. Things I assumed we would continue to do. Once we moved in together I noticed that he seemed to need ALOT of time to himself. When we did spend time together, our list of mutual interests began to diminish to the point where he ONLY wanted to talk about movies (24/7). And he has an extensive back-log of information in order to do so. Any attempts at conversation about other things would always find is way back to movies. I tested this out with friends and he was the same way with them.

Thankfully I was in school at the time, and so I would spend most of my days studying, and getting straight A's in my classes. Since my once social fiance, was now a social and emotional recluse, I had a lot of time to myself. He got one job when we first moved in together and hated it, but has had it ever since, and is "afraid" to even look for another job. Oh, and forget cooking, cleaning, housework, etc. -- all done by me.



As of late, the list continues. He only hangs out with me and my friends, having a very difficult time making his own. And he only does so when he "feels like it". He will go to concerts and movies by himself and he can't find anyone else to go with him.
I only have one friend he actually enjoys spending time with, and that's because she really enjoys foriegn films and has no problem talking to my husband about them for hours while the three of us have dinner and drinks. (She is really the only friend I have who hasn't called my husband odd, to me or to his face, or has jokingly complained to me about him--P.S. these are all people with their own social quirks--but my husband still sticks out like a sore thumb)


The strangest thing-- is when he does "normal" things--it always seems feigned or overdone. Like he will put a huge smile on his face to show me he's happy, instead of just smiling at me like he used to. Or instead of saying to me "Hey thanks for picking me up at work, I missed you!" He will chase down my car and hug it. These things used to be cute...I guess...but now they just kinda worry me the more they appear fake. It makes me feel like I'm the as*hole for not just appreciating them for what they are. I don't really even trust the majority of the things he says or does--which destroys me.

Our sex-life is very erratic.

It really hurts me to have gotten to the point where I avoid him. I feel like I spend the majority of the last 2 years fighting a losting battle of "can we please talk about something else?" "you need to have more than one hobby." "Please let other people talk." "You're acting fake..." (Not to mention, "could you please do the dishes since you have 9 hours to do them?--I think that could somehow fit into your routine of amazon posts and movie watching")

About a year ago, I stopped saying something I felt like I had on repeat. "Why can't you be more like how you were when we were dating" mostly because I know people change once they get married. I know I have. I used to be sweeter and more understanding now I always feel angry and irritable. I just want to come home and sleep and not even interact with him because it's so frustrating.

One of the weirdest things about all of this, is there are times where I remember throughout all of this, that we were able to be and act normal together, and we weren't miserable. We were usually around his family, who just have a better way of coping with it, I guess, and sometimes with mine, who somehow are able to better deal with it, but sadly I really feel like it's getting worse and worse.

Sorry to all the people this post might have offended, I just really needed to air this out.

Advice is certainly welcomed.

Is he miserable or is it just you?

He's trying. He knows these social rituals are expected and desirable, but they don't come naturally to him. He wants to amuse you and make you feel appreciated and doesn't realize how it comes off.

Drama is a good fit with his obsession, and a lot of aspies act every day, in behaving in a way that is not natural to them.

Maybe you could just lay out a schedule, which will specify exactly what is expected. Then you can say, "it's time to do x", or "your turn for x", if he forgets to do them. Routines are very good because it's good to know what to expect and when. Maybe you can agree on a time limit for how long to go-on-and-on-and-on about his subject. Make sure he knows that although you love him, more than a certain amount of that will drive you bazonkers and you will not be happy. BE SPECIFIC. But not angry. Either he does not realize how much it bothers you, or he does not know how to put boundaries around his interests, and either way it can be useful to have specific guidelines.

Tell him quietly at some time when things are relatively calm, how much his (specific behavior) is affecting you, without laying blame. Something along the lines of, "Hey, you know what? Let's try this and see what happens" might be a good way to broach a new routine.

Is it possible that he is depressed? It seems that his behaviour changed a lot when you married and moved to a different state - could it be that all these changes and difficulties making new friends (not solely a problem for autistic people) could have developed into depression?

Honestly, based on what you've said, he doesn't sound all that aspie. Does he look you in the eyes when you are talking to him? Most aspies have trouble with that. A good many more male aspies have a difficult time smiling. If he smiles regularly and makes eye contact, then I think you are probably barking up the wrong tree.

You may want to seek the help of a marriage counselor and see if that helps.

The high number of DVDs and CDs doesn't sound inappropriate for a drama major. The rest sounds like typical married guy stuff.

I have been avoiding making this issue I guess *I* am having, public, without being sure. But I think his obsession with movies and his lack of understanding of social cues were pointing in this direction. I appreciate those of you who wish to actually give me advice. I think when you have to help someone with very simple tasks, like telling them when and how to take care of themselves and when and how to socialize, (someone who is an adult) there is a pressing issue at hand. Am I wrong?

I thought I pointed out that I've spent the last two years trying to have conversations with him about depression, trying to reason with him about his "movie-talk" etc, but nothing has worked. I thought that was clear, sorry.

Remember this is an aspie forum. Even if you did we need really clear details. Does he know about Asperger's Syndrome?

Unfortunately we both knew little about, it before, which is why I didn't consider it, but I am learning more and more. I said "depression" in relation to me having addressed that in the past--and another poster asking me if I had cosidered that as part of he problem...


I am here to learn more, not to be turned away. Thank you.

Also I'm not sure what you mean about the "is he miserable" comment...

Are you asking me if he is not actually miserable and I am in fact the only one who is unhappy, and I am imagining he is unhappy, or that I am fabricating misery that isn't there, because I am unhappy?

It just seems like kind of a flippant thing to say...Sorry.

The movie-talk thing he does with OTHER people, so, he's going to be that way, when I'm not there to say "OK, you've spoken about movies for 10 minutes, that's enough now." Yesterday, we had a bit of a breakthrough, where he only turned what we were talking about into a movie, once, and then he was really mad at himself for doing it, so I felt badly...which is new because otherwise he would just say "Why can't I talk about movies, when I want to?"

More specifically he even made a comment yesterday when we were in tears discussing this. I said "I mean ...I like movies...but..." He just out of the blue interrupted me and was like..."You obviously don't LOVE movies!" And I was like "Um...irrelevant, because I love YOU and I don't talk about YOU incessently, and really if you want to go there, you love ME, but you don't talk about ME incessently! This isn't a discrepency between like or love here, this is a fixation you have." I think I actually saw a lightbulb come up over his head. It was amazing.

And yes he does look me in the eye.....But that was after two years of me saying....LOOK ME IN THE EYE...and he only looks ME in the eye, but not other people really, I have noticed that he looks down or looks away...I do it too, sometimes, but most of the time I look people in the eye! And yes he smiles, but when he's happy he's like OVERLY happy, and when he's not OVERLY happy, he acts indifferent towards EVERYTHING.

In your original post, to which I responded by asking if he maybe had depression, you did not mention depression at all. I've now read a few more times, just to make sure. I don't think my question was unreasonable, or "turning (you) away", and I was trying to be helpful.

I don't really see much in what you say which would suggest Asperger's. Instead I see a couple who seem to have very differing expectations of each other and of marriage. I don't see what the big deal is about him having lots of CDs and DVDs and I don't really know what other kind of possessions you would expect him to have, having just been a student. Lots of people aren't too fussed about unpacking right away and many people enjoy spending time unpacking slowly and rediscovering what's in those boxes. There's nothing AS about that - it's probably just the kind of guy he is.

Maybe the reason he now gives you a big "fake" smile instead of smiling at you more naturally as he used to do, is because you keep hassling him about stuff. I'm basing this on what you say in the OP. Also, it's hardly surprising that the friend he does get on with is the one who shares his interest in the movies and doesn't tell him that he's odd. Why would anyone want to spend time with people who will say to their face that they think they're odd?

He's not behaving the way he was when you were dating and seeing each other infrequently and without domestic pressures, because you are now together all the time, he has a job which you say he doesn't particularly like, and he has you telling him to look you in the eye and that he has to have more than one hobby and so on.

Not doing the housework, cooking etc - well, that's pretty much standard male behaviour (apologies to those men who don't fit this profile), and if he is depressed, then he'll feel even less motivated to do it.

So you married my roommate then? Funny, I didn't notice a wife around the apartment but then again, according to him I don't notice anything.

Or maybe that was, I don't listen.

Or maybe that was, I don't remember...I don't know. I don't remember.

But anyway, I don't know that your husband has AS but you didn't really list anything that would indicate he does, other than his conversations always turning back to movies.

Let me tell you something about men. And this is really just about men who have never lived on their own. They usually don't cook or clean because their mother's always did it for them. They have no concept of what needs to be cleaned, or how often. They don't realize that, at home, baseboards, floors, counters, toilets, lampshades, etc, were clean because someone cleaned them regularly.

Before my roommate and I got a place together, I thought he'd have it with me because I was/am a horrible slob and he unpacks his clothes and puts them in the drawers at hotels. That is the extent of his knowledge though....putting things where they go.

Everything else could go to hell for all he cared.

He also did none of the unpacking when we moved in, except for putting his swords on the dresser that I moved into place.

He also obsesses over movies and takes it quite personally if I make a negative comment about something he's watching.

Does he have AS? PDD-NOS at least, but it's irrelevant really.

Make a chart for your husband like you see hanging in public bathrooms about what needs to be cleaned. Ask him to pick a few chores he is responsible for, and a day of the week to do them and those can be his chores.

Also get some marriage counseling.

Please tell me what is missing from my OP that would otherwise suggest he has AS.

When I was ready to tear my hair out wondering what on earth had happened to my youthful, interesting, energetic husband...other than just being bummed that he has a job and is out of school? (the same is true for me and I don't have an obsession with movies)--I looked up AS criterion. I read countless things about how AS usually shows up in men in the first years of marriage.

THIS IS AFTER, as I mentioned, that I have had friends in social work as well as knowing other people who are close to people with AS and autism, suggest to me something was off about him and it might be AS.

Before jumping to that conclusion, I looked it up.

This is what I would find most of the times I researched the condition.

"They may have difficulty carrying on social conversations. They may have an advanced vocabulary and talk incessantly about a favourite subject, however the topic may be somewhat narrowly defined and they may have difficulty switching to other topics.
They do not naturally learn the rules of conversation and may interrupt others, make irrelevant comments, have difficulty initiating/terminating conversations, use overly formal speech, stand too close when talking to others, stare or use abnormal body posture or body language, or fail to understand the gestures/facial expressions of others.

They are of average to above-average intelligence and may appear to be quite capable. They are relatively proficient in their knowledge of facts and may have extensive factual information about a subject that absorbs them. They demonstrate a weakness in comprehension of abstract thought and their thinking tends to be rigid. They often have considerable difficulty adapting to change or accepting failure. "


This to me was a red flag, and completely describes him to a T. Still I wanted to know more, so I came to this site, saw what people were writing about their husbands, saw how people were struggling with their own diagnoses--having thought it to be an impossibility. That is when I finally said to myself "this may be the problem".

I have other people in my life I can talk to who know my husband and are actually more supportive of the idea of him getthing therapy for AS (hmm) but I was also hoping to find a support group here as well. If not, that's unfortunate.

I do feel like, except for a select few, that I am being turned away. "Turning me away" refers to basically saying "come back when you get him diagnosed"--And I would have waited until then, except, I was under the impression that it was valid to posts possible concerns about AS here as well. As I said, I have also read countless posts before posting this one where other OPs would say: "I didn't think I had AS, because I am a very social person who looks people in the eye" That lead me to think I would be welcome here--esp. after I was welcomed at the getting to know you board...

I think he either has it, or has some of the characteristics. I think if you operate under the premise that he does, you are unlikely to get anything important wrong.

Even if he doesn't, what I suggested in my earlier post could be helpful since he seems to be so clueless about some things.

It is possible that he is depressed. But if he is, it may be a response to his own preconceived assumptions about relationships bumping up into your assumptions and both bumping into reality. We all have expectations that turn out to be unrealistic.

Now I am perplexed as to why you feel you are being turned away, as I offered you some advice to address the issue I knew how to address. In your original post, while you did describe someone who might very well have AS, you also described someone who may not really have AS and have some other issues going on, and your description of your husband put my understanding of him in a grey area, where it would not have been right for me to say that I thought he had AS, or that he didn't.

It's possible he could simply be suffering from depression, or one of the many other syndromes, disorders, and so on which might cause such behavior. It might be that he simply isn't happy in the relationship, and for all of these reasons, I recommended marriage counseling.

And prior to that, I addressed issues which I knew how to address directly.

So I do not know how that is not support, as you presented a problem and I presented to the best of my ability insight and potential solutions.