has an evil NT ever taken advantage of you sexually?

Post Reply New Topic

has anyone been taken advantage of sexually by someone pretending to be your significant other/interested because you couldn't work out their intentions? i feel like i am 'too damaged' to ever date a guy again and when guys flirt with me i get really scared because i don't trust that any man will genuinely want me. i feel that because i appear to be lacking in personality/intelligence because of my poor verbal communication, every man will automatically categorize me as some vapid, short-time only moron (it doesn't help that i'm naturally blonde ). and i know that i can't discern the difference between real bonding and a brilliant work of fiction. i have a poor relationship with my parents, no siblings or close friends. i am so pathetic and needy and i can't seem to say no to anyone who is nice to me. i now have some idea of who to trust and who not to trust but i was sexually abused and taken advantage of as a young teenager. it almost happened again in college which is why i dropped out. i had the worst anxiety living with my roommates and i would meet all these guys who would approach me and be friendly but they had hidden agendas which i came too close to letting surface (as in doing drugs and staying the night in their rooms...and even letting them feel me up before i finally realized what was going on) i feel violated and defiled. i feel so stupid. does anyone else experience this?

Yes, but I think this happens to NT women as well.

oh, it does. i'm not saying only AS women go through this. it's happened to me repeatedly and i have missed some things that were so blatantly obvious in retrospect. considering that i'm not dumb, i have made some *dumb* decisions.

me too.

Until the other party grows up you really are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

This would describe my first long term relationship which lasted for around 7 years..15-22 or thereabouts..
He was older than me, and quite controlling..there was a a significant gap between our maturity and communication skills...I wound up in a position of more-or-less...sexual servitude, where I did not feel that I could trust my own mind or stand up for myself..it was kinda crappy...put lightly....I kinda suffered a lot from it at times, but it did eventually stabilize into a sturdy routine, and we were both able to move on..with more-or-less no hard feelings.....i have tended to blame myself for the whole thing...
I have tended to wind up in relationships ever since then...Less-dysfunctional than the first..though the one I am in now is certainly weird and confusing..

I am in my "first"..(only?) poly relationship...if it is even that anymore.....My main? partner is not entirely NT, but he did sorta "scoop" me up and try to make me be something I wasn't....then he ditched me...the first time, early on, after realizing that I was not just a "cute novelty" I was also pretty dysfunctional...he tried to get his old partner back..then after we got back together, he would not leave me alone about being poly..which I could not handle...Things remained at a sort of stressful off-kilter balance....even though as people, we basically get/got along...and there were many times when one would say we had a "good" relationship...always wrought with stress though...
I eventually left him for 6 months..then I came back...then he cheated on me with the girl he'd started dating (and had move in right away) before I had left...for months in front of my nose...Um..I guess infidelity is arguably a form of sexual abuse...and he found my naivete very easy to take advantage of...I suppose...as I was so easy to lie to....then he supposedly stopped after I left again,,,,then it started back up...if it ever stopped to begin with....months down the line...so finally I succumbed to the notion of our being "poly"....And have been with my AS-ish friend..it will be 2 years in July.....My main? partner and i, i guess have been together off and on for 7....

But now he is having a baby with his other girlfriend...This means that I am no longer obliged to sleep with him...and i am fine with that..as I had had intimacy troubles with him ever since the infidelities...and had tended to lean in favor of my other partner ever since we have been together...

There is a bunch of stuff going on lately that I have had difficulty processing....I have an unconventional liftestyle that seldom makes sense to others when I try to explain...I cannot leave the situation I am in because I am borderline-unemployable in the mainstream, but partly own and help run a couple of businesses with my partner....I guess that all he is now is my "business partner"....

Lots of stuff very confusing..

So your problem is that you really cant say no?

Well there is only one way to learn something like this and this is doing it, social pressure can be chrushing but there is no ohter way to adjust than standing it.

Are you addressing me or the OP?.....it's more complicated than just not being able to "say no"...There are all kinds of factors in different situations that can come into play...also, a person's history/self esteem etc....Oh well...but I guess it is all just "survival of the fittest", isn't it?

The only time I can think of is when a "friend" in school was trying to have gay sex with me, which I resisted all the way. Even when gay sex was attempted once at knifepoint, I resisted it all the way.

I have been attacked with a knife and forced into heterosexual sex, I don't think it matters what sexual orientation the attacker is, Keeno. Being seduced into sex because of being emotionally manipulated is just as wrong.

Merle

Oh, yes.

I think the same thing can happen to AS or non-AS women, but I think my experience of what's happening/happened is different to, say, an NT lady.

I think that once they start to cotton on to what a man's motives might be, they can put into practice their awareness and know where to draw the line.
Personally, I'm not so clear on that - especially as I do, genuinely, tend to gravitate toward males for friendship. I like people who are not very worrysome, who are smart and logical and who can speak the truth without beating around the bush, or being cruel, or avoiding their own defects of character.

Let's face it, we all have those somewhere (defects of character).

I say - forgive men for being men, however they want to be men, and ladies, set yourself up with clear things that you do and don't do. I mean, nowadays I'm on the cautious side, but it's also because I follow my intuition even though my intuition often makes no sense whatsoever to me at the time. It's totally illogical - but there's been times when, say, I don't hang out with the friendly 'new friend' guy alone in the loungeroom to watch a DVD (even though on face value it's logically and literally just watching a DVD and that's our intention) and then maybe a week after I'll realise that there was a significant potential for something else extra to happen.

There can also be guys who I would watch a DVD with, & trust they're not going to try anything other than actually watch the DVD. I mean there are men who respect me and men who don't.
Men that would pay attention to whether I want to take it further than a friendship and men who are more focussed on enjoying themselves, hanging out, doing whatever, having sex if the opportunity might be there ..
All I can say is I've found it hard to tell the difference, at times, but I swear if you practice you can get better, if that's what you want

In terms of feeling 'too damaged' - this might just sound like esoteric crap, but there's probably just an imbalance that's happened from going along with other people when you didn't know what you really wanted - spending time doing what you love, like pursuing your interests and such, will rebalance that stuff.



Hope this rather long post makes sense.

Why no reports of women taking advantage of men? Does that ever happen? Sure, NTs must be evil, and being men makes them double evil (sarcasm).

When I was in undergrad physics program a female friend commented to me that the man in this one unmarried heterosexual couple in our program was taking advantage of the woman, simply because of the genders and because there was no formal or legal agreement between the two. The implied assumption is that the sex or other interaction (not that it's really any of our business) has no intrinsic value for the woman except as it might be traded for material goods or the future promise of material goods (partial ownerships of houses etc.) and that, in "giving it away" she's being taken advantage of. I find this mindset for relationships very off-putting. My gender and sexual orientation don't predispose me to take advantage of anyone, and I'd like to think that any woman I would consider for a relationship is capable of functioning as an independent adult who is with me because she wants to be with me, not just because she needs something. In fact I require that.

While some women think that way, that is not what is being discussed on this thread. When the person is stating being "taking advantage of" it is not about the materialistic viewpoint you are espousing, in fact when women talk about being taken advantage of that is NOT what you are putting forth. What is being discussed is being taken advantage of because of social and communications issues that relate to being a female with an ASD. Much of what is being written here cannot be summed up by what you are putting forth, and is in fact not even close to what is being discussed. In fact if you read poopylungstuffing's post it is something that is much more complex, and yes conflicted. It is about guys taking advantage of the fact in terms of ulterior motives women with ASD can be more socially niave because we do not pick up on subtle hints regarding body language that often alert NT women of ulterior motives.

The truth is I have this problem myself. I cannot say my current relationship my boyfriend is taking advantage of me, but I can definately relate to what is being said here.

Last edited by starygrrl on 23 Mar 2010, 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is exactly what I seem to be hearing from this entire thread, and IMHO that's just sheer paranoia. Having had a relationship go sour, or a hookup not turn into anything more doesn't mean anyone was manipulating or using you. It seems to me there's a value being placed on the vagina here that's way out proportion to reality.

Someone being attracted enough to you to want to have sex with you is not a horrific nightmare scenario - it means they like you and want to share a mutually pleasant experience with you. That doesn't make them a monster bent on rape. As long as they're not depriving you of the right to say 'no thanks', they're not evil just for making the suggestion.

It seems sadly cynical to view one's own sexuality as a commodity to be traded for emotional or material security. If you do that, you're victimizing yourself.



What ulterior motives!? Sex is sex is sex. 'Yes' or 'no' are the only answers. You're trying to read Citizen Cane into a Crackerjack comic book. If a situation falls apart and someone dumps you, it doesn't mean they were running a con on you the entire time they knew you. Again, I say that is paranoid self-pity - 'looking for someone to blame'. Sh*t happens. Nobody was 'uuuusing' you. "Evil NTS", indeed. Most NTs aren't smart enough to devise such wicked plots. Their evil is stupidly brutal and unmistakable.

Or are you saying that you're frequently taken off guard because you don't know a guy wants to have sex with you until you're already undressed? Here's how to tell: Is he breathing? Has he smiled at you at all? (That second one applies to "evil" NT guys only - if he's an Aspie he may not smile) That's it - that's as subtle as it gets. The rest depends on how approachable you are. There's nothing ulterior about it.

You guys are really thick and really have no clue about what this thread is about. Once again, this is not about materialism. It is not about viewing ones sexuality as a commodity. If you think thats being discussed, I really do not think you understand about what the OP is putting forth.


I don't even know how to reply to this. This is about emotional manipulation plain and simple, it has nothing to do with materialism (where you pulled that out is beyond me). That is what "being taken advantage of" is all about. The point being is both the guys should have stayed out of this thread, especially since your viewpoint was both disparaging to the original poster and had nothing valuable to add. This is a women's forum for a reason. If you don't understand what this is about it is probably because of privelege, or more likely ignorance.

Sometimes sex is just sex. But alot of times its not. If sex were just sex, there would not be loving relationships which are based on sexual monogomy. I can go on, but you have a very oversimplified view of sexual relationships, that is almost exclusive of how diverse the opinions of this are, and pretty dismisive of the OP and honestly, others feelings. Sex is something that is frequently riddled with complexity for most women. It goes beyond mutual pleasure and is often very emotionally loaded for many women.

This comment BTW is VERY misogynistic.

I agree wholeheartedly with (what I see as) the principle of equality in relationships that you are talking about.

I have the same requirement for any relationship I might have, and although we may never be ideal, I require it in principal from both the other person and myself.

I think it certainly happens that women take advantage of men, to answer your question.

The reason it is protrayed as being 'men taking advantage of women' comes from (IMO) the generalisations that:

a) men are more testosterone-driven, making them tending more to 'hunter' type behaviour and women tending toward 'gatherer' type behaviour - the generalisation also including the generalisation of men being driven by their sex drive more than women (women tending to be more emotional)

b) women are physically smaller and/or not as strong for their body mass as men, therefore the tendency is for men to not naturally feel intimidated and women to feel an underlying sense of intimidation. Some women say they feel like 'a bird being chased by a cat'


*Please note I'm talking about generalisations - the thing is that as time goes on women are being taught more about taking responsibility for their vulnerabilities which evens up the balance for both sexes in those kind of situations -
I think the less common 'woman taking advantage of man' is a different kind of situation

This is why I recommend making men wait at least 6 months before you have sex with them. I know I have been accused of being manipulative or playing mind games for saying this because they just didn't understand. Wait until you have been used by a guy for sex to make up this rule so you don't get hurt again.

Last edited by League_Girl on 29 Mar 2010, 2:13 am, edited 1 time in total.