Frustration with my boyfriend

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I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 and a half years now. We've been living together for almost a year. I've told him about my self-diagnosed Asperger's, but he's never done much research into it. We are constantly fighting these days and I don't know what to do with myself.

He makes fun of me for not reacting to things like a normal person. He saw a show once that said that any monkey/ape/human/etc will take something from you if you hold it out to them. I don't do that, I'll ask, or not notice it, or whatever. Because he doesn't get the response he expects, he gets annoyed. He's even explained this whole thing (the show and how I don't do this) to his friends. In front of me. I say things in strange ways, mixing around or forgetting words, and again, he makes fun of me. I think he doesn't mean to be harsh but it hurts. I've told him it upsets me and yet it continues.

I used to shut down when we fought. I needed time to calm down before I went too far and had a meltdown. I know my limit, usually, and can say at one point, "Leave me alone. Don't touch me." But this upset him. So I tried to open up and continue to talk through my frustration. This just leaves me more frustrated, and then I start making nonsensical or hurtful arguments. I bring up things from the past that still upset me but have no bearing on the current conversation. I've tried explaining this to him. Apparently saying "don't touch me" upsets him, but "I don't want to be touched" upsets him less. I don't understand the difference. I want to say as little as possible, or I will fumble my words again and be more annoyed.

He also looks at and thinks about other women. And doesn't tell me he's attracted to me unless I ask. I do everything I can to be more attractive to him - to turn him on - and he ignores it. I'm not trying too hard, either, he just doesn't seem to notice. Or if he does, he says nothing.

He says I have too many ideas of what he's supposed to do as a boyfriend. Like he's supposed to tell me I'm beautiful, or he's supposed to tell me when I say something wrong (like disagreeing when I call myself ugly). I do those things for him - I don't see why he can't do the same for me. And this makes me think that he's not attracted to me at all. He doesn't get, despite my saying it repeatedly, that if he just SAYS it once in awhile, I'll feel better.

I'm not really sure what to do. I've told him before that I don't think this is working. But I'm now in a place where I can't really leave. We have the apartment together, plus 5 ferrets and 1 cat. I don't have a car, and if we had to move out separately, I have nowhere to go. Certainly not with all of those pets, and I don't think he'd take them.

I don't know if I can get any help for this but I just needed to tell someone who isn't involved. I have no emotional support besides him.. and he's already told me that he's not a shoulder to cry on.

I don't have anything helpful to say except that I've been in a relationship just like you describe several times in my life. Each time got shorter because I got better at leaving and then I didn't have any live-in relationship for a long time and now I'm in a relationship that's also not perfect but much better than the ones before.

Eventually things will work themselves out, whether you leave him or he leaves you or he gradually comes to understand asperger's better and things improve or one of you die or whatever. And you will learn things from this experience. And your next experience will be better or shorter (or both) and you will learn more things. And so it goes.

I wish I had a better answer for you, but that's what I've got for now. Hang in there. It's a struggle, but I think there is happiness for you in the future whether it's with this guy or with someone else or alone. You will find your point of balance so don't lose faith in that.

I'm not really sure what advice to give either. relationships are hard:(

maybe work on getting yourself into a position where you could leave if you wanted to. 'because you have no other choice' is a bad reason to stay in a relationship

Looks like your relationship with him has run its course. It sucks, but it happens.

Do you not have any family member you can move in with temporarily? If not, what I would do is stay with him until I could afford to move out and live on my own (which hopefully wouldn't take that long). The pets probably have to go, though. If you're barely making it as it is, they have to go. And if it's possible, don't bother fighting anymore. If a relationship is not worth saving (and in my opinion this one isn't, although as a disclaimer I've always been a pessimist), don't waste your energy on it anymore.

And if it comes to that, I've noticed that the freecycle.org group in my area has been really good for placing unusual pets like ferrets and rats in good homes. (I usually take the rats in if all my cages aren't already full.) So if you have no choice but to give the ferrets away, give freecycle in your area a try.

One of the things that I learned from past relationships, is that I would no longer tolerate a man who would not support me emotionally. Meaning I will not tolerate minimizing of my feelings, meltdowns, etc. My current guy is a good example. He had called to say that he wouldn't be coming over that night, because he had some stuff to do. I had been overwhelmed, and spent most of the day crying. When he realized that I was upset, he came right over, and washed the supper dishes while I lay in bed. He held me for awhile, made sure I was alright, and spent the night, too. My ex would have scoffed at me, made fun of me, or told me to pull myself together. You deserve somebody like that, necowafer.

Also, I agree with what others here have said; I would start planning for a time to move out, and make arrangements for those pets. Good luck!

Thanks, everyone. Just seeing a different point of view can really help. Unfortunately I just can't move out right now. My family all hates me (or has no room for me) and giving away my pets is not an option. They are all I have when I feel like crap, and the ferrets are all special needs.. there are very few people that would take them on. Beyond that I made a promise to them by adopting them. I can't break that just because I'm unhappy.

I hate that not having the option to move out is such a big deal here. It's very possible that I am overreacting to all of this because I feel like I'm stuck. If I could move out at any time, I could look at this from a better standpoint.

Hartzofspace, I like that you will no longer be with someone who won't emotionally support you. Unfortunately, I've never found someone who gives me that kind of support for long. If I do find someone, I then "lean" on them harder than they can handle, and that's the end of it. Jeff has done the best so far, but seems to have given up at this point. He's been nicer to me for the past day or so, but I don't really know what that means.

He'll get so upset at me that he's threatening to leave, but then the next day, he'll act as though nothing ever happened. I understand not wanting to continue the fight, or get depressed about it, but I can't figure out what to do with him. He doesn't want to even talk about the fight, to see what we can fix.

I think the base of all these problems is that I can't understand him no matter how hard I try, and he sees no need to explain himself to me. Thank you all for your support.. I need it.

I'm going to agree with onestepbeyond. If you're just staying with a guy cause you have no other place to go that's not fair to him. I actually find it amazing how much this guy sounds like myself and how much you sound like my ex. He may very well love you, he might even be destroyed if you leave him. He himself sounds like an aspie himself (how ironic) in the fact that he's that insensitive to your feelings. I think he does care mostly based on the fact that he gets upset over the difference between don't touch me and I don't want to be touched.

I take this case personally so if you feel like you would like to talk to me to get to understand him or talk to my ex to hear about how you can deal with it or possibly improve the situation let me know.

I'm not staying with him just because I have nowhere else to go. I love him, and I want to make this work. I think it could work, if we could just find the right way to talk about it. But not having anywhere else to go, even just to get a break from all the fighting, is tough on me. Sometimes I just need to be alone and that's completely impossible. I work with his mother so even if he went to stay with her for a few days, I wouldn't hear the end of it.

I would still love to hear your point of view, if you think you're similar to him. How would I get you to openly talk about your feelings? I've tried outright asking, and he says there's none there. If he didn't have feelings like that, how could he get so angry at me?

Maybe he's in denial because he doesn't want you to use it against him or because he thinks it makes him look weak? After all real men don't cry (this is of course sarcasm on my part). Back to the against him thing, in my experience when you as a guy say that you love a girl often times they'll ask you to prove it or put you in a situation to prove it. Being 4 years into a relationship that would be ungodly irritating to me so he might want to take the easy way out and end the conversation with a no.

What's your boyfriend like when it comes to music? Especially lately, it might give some clues to if he is in denial and his true feelings as insignificant as even a single song could be. At least in my case there is always some form of hidden personal meaning to what I'm listening to. Does he purposely touch you in his sleep in any way? Even if it's as insignificant as his spine touching you it might be a sign that he takes some form of comfort in being with you. I'll try to come up with some more ideas throughout the day.

I can see where he may not want me to use it against him. I wouldn't, but he is convinced that I would. As for "proving" his love.. he has lied to me before, in a terrible way. He hit on a friend of his, and even sent her dirty pictures of him - when he knew that this was unacceptable. I found out and that completely broke my trust in him. He also used to hit on a lot of girls from school. Since then I have been paranoid, and I can see how this can be irritating, but he has not been helping me at all. He acts suspiciously (like making sure I can't see his cell when he's texting, even if I'm not trying to look, which I usually don't), and then won't explain his behavior. He won't take me to hang out with his friends anymore, though he says he's not embarrassed of me, and he's finding more and more ways to get out of the house without me. I have a serious fear of abandonment and he's not doing anything to make this easier on me at all.

As for music, no. He has told me over and over again that he never has a hidden meaning in anything that he does. Because I've tried to read into things, thinking I missed something, and he's always gotten annoyed at me for it. This is strange to me because I thought everyone was like that, sometimes. At night he'll cuddle up for a little while, but then he doesn't want to touch me. Which is okay with me, it's hard for me to sleep with someone touching me. But he used to cuddle with me for longer, and he now has almost no interest in it. He says that's just what happens when a couple has been together for a long time. I don't think that's how it works, and he wouldn't know - his longest relationship before me was 9 months.

I know I'm talking a lot here but this has been so frustrating for me, and no one seems to see it from my point of view. Thank you, Pistonhead, for helping me out. If I can even get some idea of what's going through his head I think I'll be able to handle all of this better.

reading this thread is so depressing:(

I can't tell you whats going on with the pictures. If it weren't for that I'd wonder if maybe he just gets along better with girls and him being friendly just doesn't look good. I value my privacy as well, but it's not what I'm typing that concerns me, it's that I can't send a simple message to a friend without having someone over my shoulder accusing me of things I wouldn't do. One of the many reasons me and my ex broke up was because I sent a girl on here a message and wouldn't let her read it, the message ironically said something about how she my best friend and one of the few people that tries to understand me. So maybe that's still the case but with his track record idk, maybe he just sent dirty pictures for an ego boost it's still kinda wrong to do it against your will. The abandonment issue is a little much though, he should want to include you in his life if he wants to be with you. You probably need to confront him on this sooner or later cause that's ridiculous.

He's also told you that he doesn't love you. If he's in denial of one thing and wants "no further questioning" he might say that but it may not be true. It's probably better that you keep your accusations to yourself until you've got a solid case (I'm really dropping some judiciary puns) against him. Even then he might deny it. Interesting that he even cuddles up for a little while. When I'm in relationships cuddling is usually cool for like the first two weeks then it's just me bitching about circulation to my arms, my back hurting or a number of other excuses for why it's uncomfortable. I really have no idea why he would cuddle you if he doesn't care, I don't see the self gratification in it at all. I would agree with him though. No offense but I feel like women get "puppy love" from their men in the beginning and they get used to it in the few weeks or months it lasts and then expect it to stay the same throughout the years.

I don't mind that you're talking a lot. It's refreshing to have a conversation on here without it being a fight for once (seriously, if you check my recent posts I'm in like 3+ fights in 20 posts)

yes, i agree with the majority of posters. things seem to be winding down, but at the same time he still seems quite attached to you. Pistonhead (honestly) had some good ideas of where to look for signals. to take his point about music further, maybe it isn't just a matter of the type of music, but also whether there has been any change recently in the music he is listening to.

i am always harping on the therapy thing, but are you involved in any support groups or do you know of any counsellors you can see (even free ones)? because if you can make yourself stronger and more independent, then maybe it would be easier to see the situation more clearly.

I remember when I had to think about leaving a live-in situation with an ex. I went to counseling, (he refused to go with me) and realized that I was an individual, with wants and needs of my own. I had foolishly moved in with him to another state, with no family or friends for support. He knew that I had nowhere to go, and this gave him the upper hand. I finally found a program for people who had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, which offered housing with a sliding scale rent. This enabled me to end the relationship, and start out on my own.

Pistonhead - he did send the pictures for an ego boost. But that's the thing.. I often tell him how attracted I am to him, and I show it, and I prove it. I've had issues with that before and I don't want to mess that up. He said he did it because he thinks I only like him physically because I love him. As in, I wouldn't find him attractive if I didn't love him. Which isn't true. He is the most attractive guy I've ever dated, and I've told him this. Still, it hurt. He still can't say why he chose this girl (who he says is much less attractive than me, and annoys him) to hit on, or why he couldn't just talk to me or something. That was awhile ago. I was very paranoid for awhile but I think I've gotten a whole lot better. Now if I'm feeling anxious about it, I just ask if he's talking to a girl - most of his female friends have no sexual interest in him, and I know who they are. And it doesn't matter to me if he talks to any guys.

I didn't mean to say that he said he didn't love me. He does, and will generally say it if I say it to him first. He just won't talk much about his feelings beyond that. His dog died recently, and he wouldn't even talk to me about that - when I knew for a fact he was hurting. I tried to comfort him but he had no interest. And he really likes cuddling. It's something we used to do a lot. He's just not as interested now. I don't expect the "puppy love".. though the occasional disgustingly sweet display of affection is nice - but I also don't think that just because you've been together for awhile means the "spark" is completely gone.

I'm sorry you've been fighting on here so much. I seem to do that, too. At least there's no anger here.. just depression. -_-

hyperlexian - I am not in any therapy or anything like that. He wants me to get into a program, or talk to a psych, or something. He says that all the issues he has with me can be resolved by me going, and at least trying. I don't think that it will work that way. Either way, I am completely terrified to go. I used to go to therapy as a kid and I couldn't even talk then. I'd just draw crazy pictures to make myself seem interesting, so the therapist wouldn't try to delve any deeper. And she never did. We talked about my family, but not my social issues or my behavior. I'd be scared to go to a program like you did, hartzofspace. I don't know that I could do it on my own. I mean, I know that I can, as I have taken care of myself before, but I don't know that I can take that first step. I don't think that he's trying to keep me around to be controlling, I think he honestly wants to be with me, I just don't know that he's being realistic about this continuing.

Onestepbeyond: sorry :/