the letter I've been dreading for 15 years, it's here...

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This is going to sound totaly ridiculous, but for me it is very real.

For the past 15 or so years, I have worried about turning 25. I used to fill my head with stuff about the apocalypse, world war III and alien invasions, plus other far out stuff, so I could find a worry to replace this one. Nothing did, I assure you, this one has reigned supreme in my mind for many years, what is it? The fear of being called for a cervical smear. Not even dying in a firey astoroid impact bothers me half as much as the idea of having a metal duck beak shoved up my itsy bisty

When I first found out about such a horrible, invasive thing being done to women, I started worrying about it, probably when my mum explained to me what it was when I was about 12-13. We were told about it in sex ed at school and I would sit there and shudder, I honestly wanted to be sick as they explained it. Not because I found it gross or anything, but it was my worst fear. Nothing in my life has ever bothered me as much as finding THAT letter on the doormat asking me to have this thing done to me.
I even didn't want to turn 25 (25 is the age the first test is done) and I would hope the world ended or any of those other crazy ideas I tried to make myself worry about instead happened, so I wouldn't have to go through it. I really used to wish to die so I didn't turn 25, I would pray to a god I don't even believe in to take me from this world before the letter arrived.
I would have nightmares at night about it, about my private parts being mutilated, which was when I was about 15. I would dream that the letter came, I was forced to go, and I didn't come back etc etc, one time I dreamed I had this awful thing done and I actualy died Logic didn't even come into it, not once, and I am a very logical person who knows a great deal about computers, science & stuff like that, so I am not stupid, like this sounds!

How old am I on the 25th of February, I'm 25... and it arrived today, after 15 years of awful anticipation, the postman bought my husband's mobile bill, I saw when he came this morning. I picked that up & put it on the side for him when he got out of bed as he's been on nights this week, then I saw it, another letter, addressed to me. I opened it thinking it was junk or something important from the bank, I wish it had been, anything would have been better than reading 'I am writing to you to invite you to come for a cervical screening test' so on so forth. I honestly felt like I had been booted in the stomach, for a second all my breath left me, I sat on the sofa and I didn't know wether to cry, laugh, or start going frantic with anxiety, too many emotions so I guess I didn't do any of those things. I sat on my laptop, put my headphones in & sat here listening to Kiss lol. Could have been worse I suppose, given the 15 year build up to today!! I haven't even properly told my husband about the letter, I cannot discuss it. The worst bit was where it said 'test due ON or around the 25th of February, FFS give me a break, please don't ask me to come on my birthday, the birthday I've dreaded for 15 years I know this isn't how it has to happen but still, now I won't even be able to celebrate my birthday in peace from it.

The worst thing is for me is that a 'small discomfort' like they say I may feel, can often be level 10 agony for me as I have a warped pain threshold Some things don't hurt me at all, some things are unbearable to me that someone else would not even feel. I also have very bad pain associated with my periods, which nobody has taken seriously, so if it was done anywhere around then, I would probably die like I did in those dreams!

I hate anything medical, I hate the sterility of the places and the people, I find all medical people cold & practical, and they have no time to deal with someone like me. They don't have the time or the patience it would take to even get me to look at this whole idea in a non catastrophic way. If I have to take an animal to the vets, I'm, cool with, but anything to do with human bodies just fills my mind with images of blood & death, and I have NO idea why. Funny thing is, I'm not bothered by needles, having blood taken, having routene procedures like warts removed (had to have one frozen off my hand as a kid, which I thought was hilarious, but sad that I couldn't make ladybugs crawl over it anymore ) etc. The whole issue with this wasn't helped by the time I was in a supported living place and one of the staff took it upon herself to tell me I 'stank' which I did not as I have always showered & used deodorant! She made some very personal comments towards me about my body etc, so I would even find taking off my clothes in front of someone incredably hard and I would probably have 10 baths a day in the week leading up to it and break the bank buying new clothes, underwear & bodycare stuff. I highly doubt anyone would even begin to understand this!! This GP surgery don't really understand my AS, nevermind this stuff, which I think is a genuine anxiety and only partly to do with AS, for example my messed up pain threshold.

I've also read things where women have refused to go for this test and have been removed from their GP surgery list with no warning! I don't want that to happen as I am happy with this one for the majority of things. I'm in England by the way incase this has any bearing on your responces. I know things in the US and other countries may be different with regards to the age of this test etc. Plus I need to belong to a GP surgery for my inhalors & small stuff like that. Also I'm worried my refusal will get my husband struck off the books as well.

I should honestly have it as my dad died from cancer, but I fear this even more than dying from cancer, it's THAT bad it dwarfs ALL my other fears.

So feel free to laugh at me, tell me this is the biggest overreaction of the 20th/21st centuries, and poke as much fun as you like, but this is how it is in my world

From what you describe, it sounds like there are some severe penalties for not having the test done. I don't know what the reccomended age is in the US either (I've heard whenever they're sexually active, or 20, or maybe that's just for a gynecologist visit, idk). I don't know because I refuse to think about it as well. I won't ever have it done. Never ever ever ever. I just can't deal with that concept. If I were you I wouldn't do it, but I don't know about what all the penalties are.

It appears some women have been removed from their doctor's list (thrown out of the surgery as in not allowed to see doctors there anymore), but I also fear a bad mark on mine and possibly even our, name for this too. The NHS is known for wasting money on stuff like this and not enough on actualy finding cures for cancer & other stuff, which this test doesn't do anyway, it isn't even a test for cancer, just 'abnormal cells' so if you have cancer, you're still screwed!

I do know each GP surgery gets a bonus for each of these tests they do, so that's probably why those who refuse are removed from their books, as with everything else in a free system, it's run like something out of 1984. I would expect in the US you would probably have t pay a fee, or have it charged to your medical insurance for this 'procedure', so I expect the empasis is more volantary.

The whole thing is really getting under my skin now to the point I want a drink lol. My husband will explode (at the surgery, not me, lol) if we are struck off, and I will be hounded with reminder letters and reminded EVERY time I go to the surgery for anything that it's 'overdue'. Someone even said on another site, it was shouted out over the busy waiting room that their 'CERVICAL SMEAR TEST WAS OVERDUE' ffs if they did that to me that's another 25 years of me probably refusing all medical treatment!

The NHS is very effective for some things, but for others, specialy gyne and women's issues, it is still living in the times when we threw our toilet out the window onto the streets below!! !

I'm 20 and purposefully made an appointment to get mine done soon. Even though I'm asexual and don't want a sexual partner I'm getting one just b/c my parents have bugged me about telling them when I start having sex so they can arrange such an appointment and pick a doctor for me .

Well I understand your parents concern, but it must be your choice. Your chances of catching the HPV are very low indeed, and are reduced yet again by not having had sexual intercourse, lol. This 'screening' doesn't really stop cancer, the numbers of women saved by it is like 1 in a few hundred thousand every few years. You're more likely to get a brain tumor than cervical cancer, that's the statistics. Just like mamagrams don't stop the majority of breast cancers either, as the age for them is so high, many women develop the cancer before they are eligable for screening, making it pointless.

The problem is with me, is things stick. A bad experience can stick with me for years, effecting how I behave, how I react in certain situations, wether I do certain things etc, if this was as much of a nightmare for me as I have thought for the last 15 or so years it will be, then that would be another terrible event to add to my collection. I don't avoid most things that bother me, I actively try to resolve them by facing them, for instance I had a phobia of lifts, so I went out one day with the intent to ride as many elevators as I could, and I did it, I still don't like them, but sometimes I'd rather use them than beat my ass climbing 40 flights of stairs, lol. I think this 'test' has the potential to drag up the whole bad supported living experience, which I STILL dwell on, and bring it up so badly I start being aggressive to all around me again. I don't want to do that, I have a husband to consider now, and the violation could totaly wipe out any intimacy I have with him as well, these things would totaly destroy me.

I would certainly not laugh at you. Unfortunately, many people develop such phobias due to the crude or unprofessional way they've been treated - it's a very sad situation.

So I feel for you and know very well what you're going through. The only thing I can think of as I see you have a diagnosis - do you have a psych or therapist or receive any kind of help/support with your issues? Could you ask to see someone and explain the problem, so they could help you both with your fear and maybe also discuss it with the doctor that will see you, so they might be willing to try to make the whole thing less painful for you? (I have a friend who's therapist helped her get a recommendation to a dentist that specialises in people with anxiety/fear).

*Sorry for all the "coulds" and "mights" - they reflect my own experience with how accommodating the health care system is *

Nope, been refused all that as my case isn't seen as bad enough. This is the first place I've ever mentioned this particular one, nobody else knows, not even my mum or my husband have a clue. I have a long track record of these types of things though, but this is the worst one. I've always moaned about the other ones lol, or just got on with it, but this one, this one is something on another level to any of my past anxieties, this is by far the ultimate for me, having my body invaded, specialy in a way I perceive as sexual, by someone who isn't supposed to be doing that sort of thing to me!

Actually, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I put off having my first cervical exam/Pap test for a very long time (I'm in the U.S.--it's left up to the patient, even though my ob/gyn did send out reminders). I'm not going to lie to you: when I finally did, it was pretty bad, physically speaking. The way you described it as "invasive," etc.--yep, all very familiar. My doctor at the time was VERY understanding--I think by the time it was over he was more upset than I was.

However (obviously), I lived. It was/is one bit of unpleasantness once a year, but I got through it. Oddly enough, once I became sexually active (that's a whole other story) it ceased to be a big deal. Now I hardly feel anything at all during these exams.

I think you should tell your mother or husband and have one of them go with you the first time. I realize that on one level, that may seem to make matters worse (having them see you like this) but it's still better than being alone the first time.

You will get through it. I promise. For a long time, I thought I wouldn't either (and that I was the only one to ever feel this way about it). If I could survive this, anyone can. No joke.

Good luck, take care.

I'm a RN who has worked in doctor's offices for many years, and you can rest assured that you're not the only woman who has a phobia about the "pap smear." (as we refer to it here in the U.S.). How is your relationship with your physician? Do you feel you can communicate your feelings to your doctor? If so, I would recommend a visit scheduled, if possible, just for the purpose of discussing your feelings and fears. Be sure to take someone you trust along with you, and keep in mind that you are absolutely not the first women your doctor has dealt with who has struggled with an immense fear of the cervical exam. I'm so sorry for you that this has been such a burden for you for so many years!

By the way, the most important thing during the exam is to remember that it is very brief (takes maybe 1-2 minutes) and is completely painless, especially if you're able to relax your pelvic muscles during the exam--something you and your doctor can hopefully talk about and you can practice at home before the actual exam. Doctors will also sometimes be willing to prescribe a one-time dose of antianxiety medication to help you get through the exam if necessary, at least here in the U.S.

I hope that helps.

I know what you're saying, but here in the UK the whole process is run by an authority, who send out these cold reminder letters. I've read on other forums stories of women being visited by a 'nurse' to be coerced into having the 'test', and someone said they were threatened with a £10 fine and being removed from the practise list by their GP for 'non compliance' because they had this 'test' done privatly. It all smacks of another money making PR scam by the NHS, being as each GP is handed a huge bonus for carrying out these 'tests' and receives a LOT of money in cash bonuses for hitting targets of performing so many each year.

Shame all this screening crap didn't save my dad who died from cancer did it? What about all the other, MUCH more common cancers like liver, throat, lung, bowel, skin and prostate, which kill a lot more people than cervical cancer ever has but there are no screening programs for in the UK. I hate how women are all presumed to have reached a certain age, then jumped on the world's entire populus of unclean men. Cervical cancer's main cause, the HPV virus, is actualy an STD, which is caught from having unprotected sex with an infected male partner. If you haven't, then you have more chance of getting a brain tumor than cervical cancer If men are who spread HPV, then why are they not screened too? Wouldn't that be better if men got screened and were treated for HPV before they passed it on to women , prevention before cure maybe?

I have never received ANY support for my AS while living in this area, no matter how many times I have asked, what I have recieved has been totaly useless. I expect they will waste hundreds of pounds trying to hard sell me a cervical smear test, but not helping me with my other, far more pressing issues, some of which will prevent me from having it. If it gets too bad, I suppose I will have get my husband involved, he's good at dealing with these agencies, but from the things I've read about people who refuse it, even he will have a job as they'll probably turn up at my house when he's out at work or hound me when I go to collect my inhalor prescription or whatever. They might even refuse that and make me go & see a doctor to have it 'reviewed' so they can pressure me some more.

There are good and bad points to a national health service, one of the good points is free healthcare (of course) and free prompt treatment in an emergency etc, but the bad points are all this authoritarian burocracy, and the tragic waste of fund used trying to enforce it on people who just want to get on with their lives, and make their own mind up as to wether or not to have a very invasive 'test'.

My main fear besides the pain part of it is how badly it could effect me, I have no idea how I could turn after it. Some small incedents stay with me for a day, some stay with me for years, and because I already have some very serious self image issues, this could be one of the things that sticks. I do not want anything else to dwell on, and people do not understand this.

yeah, that presumption really bugged me. Especially when it comes to the HPV vaccine as well; they only use it for kids in first year of secondary school where I'm from because everyone older than twelve must be a total slut and can't be saved, right?


HPV is really common though; if you've had sex at all, and one of you wasn't a virgin, then there's a high chance that you might have it. That's one of the reasons why they don't test every woman first to see if she's a carrier before doing the smear; it's not that they presume you're 'unclean' or that you chose to sleep with a guy with festering sores or something (and quite frankly it;s none of their damn business), it's just that it's nearly as ubiquitous as chickenpox.



Men aren't screened because penile cancer is very rare. Also, having external genitalia, it's more obvious when something's not right. The smear also isn't about screening for HPV anyway; it's about picking up abnormal cells that could be malignant, regardless of how they got there.

I do agree that boys should be given the vaccine though as well as girls, otherwise there will always be a resevoir of the disease. The main reason they don't seems to be cost, although I think that's very short-sighted as that means that girls will need the vaccine ad infinitum (which won't be cheap!).

I'm quite horrified at the tactics the NHS seem to be using though- there is no way they should be allowed bully anyone like that, even for their 'own good'. But if you did have an underlying problem, then the tests you would then have to undergo are even more invasive, so you do kind of have to balance up whether some brief embarassement is worth the risks and long term treatment of cervical cancer.

It would make sense to check both sexes for the virus, not the cancer as such, and develop a treatment for the virus as well. I haven't had the HPV vaccine and never will because of it's dubious safety record, but I expect I will also be pressure sold that too now.

If I'm going to die from cancer, I'm going to die from cancer wether or not I have this test. It angers me that the more common cancers are not screened for at all, and are often misdiagnosed by doctors to the point when they are correctly diagnosed, it's often too late.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a debate on my part about the rights & wrongs of the matter. Men are just not confronted, at all about their sexual health, it's still a big taboo among men to even broach the subject of what's going on in between their legs.
Infact men are not even pushed as hard to be responsable for contraception, which is a matter for BOTH partners entering a sexual relationship, wether it be for one night, or a lifetime.
I think the NHS lay off men because men are more likely to give decisive NO answers and are harder to pursuade than women are. For example they wouldn't dare visit the home of a big 40 something bloke and tell him he had to come in & have a metal duck bill jammed into his whatsits would they? no.

I worry that it may come up on the system that I have AS, and them being narrow minded doctors, they might well think I need extra special pressure put on me as my 'condition' is probably stopping me from 'taking care of my health' or whatever.

This whole thing is WORSE than the UK TV licence enforcement, or any other invasive government thing. At least if they bombard you with letters, or TV licence inspector calls, you treat him like joe blogs & tell him what rights he has to enter your home and he has 5 seconds before the dog comes out, lol. But with the health service, it's even worse as they are trying to make you have a nasty invastive procedure, not just chasing you for a stupid TV tax lol.

This is REALLY bothering me now, as soon as I actualy turn 25, I expect it will get worse & worse as the letters pile up, I didn't worry about it for 15 years for nothing.....

Also, I've heard some women have had their prescriptions for other stuff witheld, in order to make them see the doctor, who then tells them horror stories about how they will die of cancer etc etc.

I will not be going to the doctor about ANYTHING now I've had this letter, not even if I'm half dead.

hmph, maybe socialized medicine isn't really all that great. Maybe you are assuming the consequences are worse than they actually are?

If I were you I'd see a hypnotist or some other mental health specialist who specializes in reprogramming the mind about specific things. An expert in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) maybe. Personally I don't care about seeing the doctor regularly but its not worth messing up your medical coverage over if the consequences are that bad.

Maybe it would help to talk to a doctor, they've probably run across a similar situation before. But then again some doctors are very insensitive.

Maybe if you find a nice doctor who makes you feel comfortable it won't be so bad.

Maybe you should just go do it and be drunk while going through it.

If they cross me off their list, all it would mean is signing up with another surgery, and hoping they didn't do the same thing

Also if you don't believe me, read this article: http://www.pulsetoday.co.uk/story.asp?s ... ioncode=19 it's aimed at GPs (regular doctors), specialy read the bit where it says 'What if Mrs Brown still refuses?', where it goes on to say ' GPs receive target payments for participation in the programmae'.

It basicaly tells a GP how to pester someone who has gone to see them about another health concern, to have this test.