Having Autism and becoming a mother

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I am worried that if and when I have kids, what if they are more severe than me or what if I just can't handle them? My bf has high functioning autism as do I and I'm not sure if we had a kid if we'd be able to be good parents because I've never really spent more than a few hours with a baby or a toddler. I want to know if you have kids was it a difficult more painful than usual birth, or did it not hurt that bad, and do your children have autism or do you have some children that don't? I don't know when I will have kids but if it's going to happen soon I'd like to know what someone else with the spectrum's experience was like.

I have one child. She does not have autism.

My sister (who has dyslexia, but no other handicaps) has three kids, one of whom (the female of a set of fraternal twins) is diagnosed PDD-NOS. Her twin brother and older sister are as NT as they come.

My Dad's sister had four kids, one of whom (female) has been diagnosed with AS.

No sign of autism on my mother's side and that family is quite large.

So there seems to be some sort of hereditary connection, but in my family at least it has been sporadic and unpredictable.

Here's a piece of advice from a mother: make sure you have a good support system in place before you have kids. Having a child is difficult for NTs, much more for those on the spectrum, or at least it's true in my case. You are going to need someone whom you can rely on when you get overwhelmed.

That said, being on the spectrum does not automatically make you a bad parent, not at all. My own mother has nearly all the symptoms of Aspergers and my father is like me; they were fantastic parents. People tell me I'm good with my twins too.

Oh, and another thing: make yourself informed of the programs available for babies and young children who show signs of autism or other disorders. Do your research now; don't leave it until after you have the child. The earlier you treat the child, the better chance he or she is going to have.

Make sure your insurance will cover the programs if any need to be paid for or if it won't, look into government funds. I don't know where you are, but here in the US there are social security programs specifically for children with Autism and other developmental disabilities. Thing is, you may never need them, but you might and it's good to know beforehand.

There is a good chance you may have perfectly normal children. Having autism does not necessarily mean you will pass down the trait.

I wish you and your partner the best of luck.

If you're asking this I presume you're both quite high functioning and have stable jobs? In my experience having autism doesn't matter much to fertility or birth, though taking care of a baby or toddler can be quite taxing. A baby can be quite a package of sensory overload for aspies. I strongly suggest you arrange some help so you can get breaks when you're overwhelmed. I'd have gone nuts if I was on duty 24/7. It's a must to have a second, or even third person available to help when you feel exhausted or about to have a meltdown or something. An aspie usually must have some alone time to maintain sanity.

My DH was great and helped in the evenings and we did night feedings quite equally. We also had relatives who could watch them sometimes to give us a break. Think through about your plans and have back-up plans regarding raising children. i.e. both DH and I believe co-sleeping is important, but I absolutely couldn't sleep with anybody beside me, so we ended up letting our babies sleep with DH.

If you're ready to be parent, try to get your health as good as possible and maintain good nutrition. You're more likely to make healthier, more beautiful children if you're in perfect health. Probably won't avoid autism, but it'll be a lot less trouble than raising sickly kids. Good luck!

I appear to have come into motherhood blindfolded. I always knew I was different from the average girl, but there was never any suggestion that I needed to be assessed, for any reason. So here I am, just coming to realise what went wrong (and why other things went so right). Due to my ignorance, I'd no reason to believe that I'd pass on any 'rogue' genes to my child, which might not be a bad thing. As it turns out, my 5yr old daughter is on the waiting list for autism assessment and probably has Aspergers. She's the light of my life, drives me crazy some days, but I wouldn't be without her. She's highly intelligent and I've no doubt that she'll do fine, with the right support. She's happy and that's the most important thing.

It took me 8yrs to get pregnant, so I'd plenty of time to think about it. The birth itself was pretty painful. I was unfortunate in that my baby was lying in the back to back position, I had to be induced and she was delivered with forceps. That said, it was all over in about 8 hours and I recovered physically at record speed. The first few months were difficult as she wanted to suckle all the time (I know now that she was needing to be soothed much more than the average baby). The trouble really started when she started to walk. She didn't want to be pushed around in a buggy and she didn't want to hold my hand or wear reins either. And she wanted to run. Her behaviour has been a concern for many years, but I just did my best and considered her to be strong-willed, spirited, a little bit hyper, etc. She was 5yrs old before I realised she maybe had Aspergers; she definitely had sensory issues and the social issues were becoming apparent. The teachers had their concerns too, so she was then referred. Then there was the realisation that she's actually very like me (apart from the fact that I always did as I was told). That's been such an eye-opener and explains so much.

I can't say it's easy, and my daughter's behaviour hasn't helped in that respect, but I think I'm doing a good job. I've always taken her to loads of activities (although I never push her to do something she doesn't want to do). She gets the best diet imaginable as I've always had a pretty scientific approach to her feeding and her food is free from additives. When people ask if she's hyper because of what she's eating, I put them straight. Above all else, she's loved and her Daddy and I spend lots of time with her. I help out at my daughter's school with kids who don't get the care and attention that mine gets (no-one takes the time to listen to them read or check over their homework), so I can see I'm doing OK.

The fact that my daughter probably has Aspergers doesn't worry me too much. I understand that she might need some extra support with some tasks at school (and this has already happened) and some social skills training, etc. I think her outcome will be better than mine, given that she has been identified so young. Also, the positives outweigh any negatives, in my daughter's case anyway. She's different and proud to be that way. She even puts me straight at times when she gives me a lecture on the important things in life. I'm not naive and I know this may make her a target for bullies. But, as I've been through that too, I'm determined to do my best to ensure that she doesn't suffer. I know it might happen regardless, but I will not be faulted for trying.

If you want to do a good job, you will, don't worry. The fact that you're concerned enough about it, proves that you have what it takes.

Good luck

I'm not sure I can help you much but, I have autism and by dad has autism. That doesn't not always happen though. Anyway my boyfriend has AS and I am right now, 13 weeks pregnant. So there is a change that the baby could have Autism or AS as well, or be a NT.

I share your fear. While I don't want to have kids and can't stand them, I've often tried to play out the possibility in my head. I don't think I could cope.....I'd need a live in nanny.

I have one son. Childbirth didn't hurt at all. I had an epidural so I felt nothing down there. I only felt the contractions and they just felt like really bad period cramps and that I was constipated. So labor wasn't bad at all and I was told it was worse than when I had my uterus cleaned out after the missed miscarriage. Now that one hurt and it was worse than a ten, the worst pain I ever felt but labor wasn't even bad at all. It was painful yeah but it wasn't bad. I only tore a little so I felt nothing when I got stitched. But I was sore for about three weeks. It took me a while to feel down there so I couldn't tell I had to go to the bathroom until I had to go very bad. So I went every few hours. I wish all labor be like this and this easy since mine went quick. It all lasted 29 hours but I had my baby in seven house after I came there. It all happened so fast I didn't even notice how fast time went by so I dealt with the contractions that long. Same as when it took me 45 minutes of pushing. Then finally I pushed very hard and his head came out and then the rest. I had no complications and didn't need a c section nor to be cut down there. In fact the doctors told I did very well and lot of women don't do that well. I have no idea how a real woman acts during labor. I was just calm and talking to everyone despite the intense pain.


So far he is normal and a mild baby. No health problem no colic. He doesn't demand lot of attention or cry all the time. I just got lucky. But I know just because he is normal now doesn't mean he won't have AS or won't have any other disabilities. I was a normal baby until I started getting sick around nine months and I turned out to have AS, ADD, learning difficulties. But my mom thinks my hearing loss may have changed the wiring of my brain because it made it develop different so it put me on the spectrum.

I can suggest you do some research like read Parenting magazines or books or lurk on parenting boards and read posts by them just to get the idea what you may be facing as a parent. I also used to worry too about what if my baby turns out to be severely autistic or have other severe disabilities. But those chances aren't high so I wasn't going to worry about it. I think I can handle milder disabilities like ADHD, dyslexia, AS, deafness, blindness, mild autism. But even having a normal child doesn't guarantee it will still be easy because NT kids can be very difficult also and sometimes they need therapy too and medication. In fact sometimes aspie kids are easier than NT kids.

But also reading about things makes things sound bad than it really is. I remember I was reading about babies and it sounded all so difficult and they were making it sound like you be so busy with your baby, you have no time to clean or cook or do anything else. But when I had mine, that turned out to be untrue, for me, because I could still get other stuff done in my apartment and still had time for the computer. Even pregnancy sounds bad than it really is because they mention all these discomforts and side effects but it didn't happen to me. I had mild discomforts yes when my belly got bigger but it wasn't bad and I still did my normal things like clean and go to work and I even put up my Christmas stuff but it made me very sore because I was on my feet for too long. But books and online make them sound worse than they really are. I think that would go for parenting too. Make it sound bad than it really is.

I have three kids. My oldest daughter is definitely NT, my son may or may not have mild Asperger's, and my younger daughter just turned 2 and is exceeding milestones, so I figure it's too soon to go there with her. I was not diagnosed until recently, but still knew I was on the spectrum. I wanted marriage and children more than anything in the world, but sometimes I question the wisdom of the choices I made.

I inherited Asperger's from my father. He was never diagnosed-- never interested, either-- but I'm sure. Other than having a short temper, he was the greatest parent a child could have asked for, in part in spite of Asperger's and in part because of it. He could see through a child's eyes, because his own perception was childlike. As an Aspie teen, I don't know if I would have survived without his understanding to draw upon. I appreciated the rationality and consistency with which he ran our household.

I remember other things too, though-- like the way the rest of the family treated him. They took advantage of his isolation and naivete. They frequently mocked him or acted as if they were ashamed of him, even going so far as to tell me Daddy and I were destined to serve them because we were "stupid and weird," in effect making us lesser human beings. They were not understanding of his few strong emotions or his need to talk at length about hurts and fears.

I wonder if my children will grow up being told the same things, being rejected in the same ways. I used to think I was a good mother; with all the research questioning whether we should parent, I now see all my actions and decisions through a lens of doubt. I don't know what to do anymore. I used to just be myself, and I thought we got along fine. The kids were doing well and no one had any (unusual or atypical) complaints.

Now-- Well, to be blunt, my children are living with my in-laws while DH and I work out whether I/we can or want to continue with this adventure called marriage and parenthood, or whether we're going to have all assets transferred into his name and me placed in an institution.

He's against it. He says I was a good mother, I am a good wife, and we were very happy and can be again. I am not so sure. It is mostly fear of living down to the experts' expectations of me, and fear of the judgment of NT women/mothers, and doubt about my own capabilities that I simply took for granted before. I love and miss my children greatly, but I wonder if they wouldn't be better off having an NT stepmother and visiting me for hugs and kisses and listening and silly games and answers to questions in the Happy Home somewhere.

In other thoughts. Childbirth for me was very easy, practically painless, no anesthetic necessary. I actually left my newborn son in the hospital, freshly fed and asleep in his father's arms, and walked about 8 blocks for a Coke and a cigarette in the free air a few hours after delivery, with only the hospital bracelet and the image of his lovely face to remind me that I had given birth at all. The hardest thing about labor and delivery was being confined in the hospital (reference previous story) and forcing myself to lie prone and wait for the doctor when both knowledge and instinct told me to stand up, move about, squat, and push. Very frustrating to be ordered about by professionals less knowledgable than myself who must nevertheless be obeyed because they wrote the rules.

Pregnancy, on the other hand, was extremely difficult. Not that it was complicated medically-- PIH with my firstborn, nothing else-- but the fact that nine months of anxiety really took a heavy toll. I could not handle not knowing if the baby would be OK, how we would handle it if there was something wrong, et cetera et cetera. I worried constantly and unconsolably from the first missed period to the first birthday. No ultrasound was enough to convince me, I chose to forego MSAFP and other tests because of the risk of a false positive sending me into a tailspin-- nothing short of holding a live newborn (and then having each successive child survive past the risk of SIDS) could convince me that it was safe to love them, that they would be OK.

Sending my oldest to school hasn't been easy, either. She's now in 4th grade, and every week day it feels as if a hole is carved in my heart and soul at 8 a.m. and not filled in again until 3:30.

After an early miscarriage last December, I don't think it would be wise to attempt another pregnancy. I think the anxiety would put me in the hospital and tear our family apart.

I think we can be very good parents, that as with NTs it is all on a case-by-case basis and you have to use your own judgment.