Dealing with a married friend

Post Reply New Topic

My friend recently got married in November and while I am happy for her, it has seemed that nothing has been the same. The last couple of times that I have tried to talk to her over the phone, there has seemed to be this cold and mildly angry urge to rush off. She usually says things like, "Yeah well I have to go here, can I call you later? I am getting on the bus." A few times she never called me back like she said. In the past, it was "Well gosh it was great talking to you but I need to get to bed or xyz." Sometimes I feel like ever since she has gotten married there has been this need to act like she is better than I am and I have to admit that it gets on my nerves. She has also seemed to act condescending with me about a few issues.

For instance I ran into her on Friday and we went to a church service and then a fish fry afterwords for lent. She got onto me about paying for my dinner was fine on Ash Wednesday but that they were on a tight budget. She then pointed out that she and her husband had to buy a new washing machine. I then mentioned that I didn't like it when things were sprung on me like that at the last minute. She then told me that "Well, at least I am not yelling, screaming, throwing things, and calling you nasty names. As you know that I am not good at being assertive."

How can I handle this in the future?

(In the following paragraph I have made some assumptions, if they are wrong please correct me)

Perhaps if she suggests to go for dinner to insist before sitting down about paying for your own, that way if she decides to pay for you again you can tell her that you said that you wanted to pay for yourself but that she paid anyways. Perhaps she was asking for the money for it but didn't feel that she could be direct about it because she just paid without asking you?

It does seem weird though. And what was the "Well, at least I am not yelling, screaming, throwing things, and calling you nasty names. As you know that I am not good at being assertive." about?

I don't see a problem with the Fish Fry. She wanted you to pay for your own food. There's nothing wrong with that. She told you that she has other things to save up for and afford. You should be understanding of that. Then she reveals to you that she has a problem telling people "no" and being assertive, that she's managed to do it and not be a jerk about it. Any snide tone in her voice was probably due to having to confront you at all about paying for your own meal. She was probably feeling resentful.

It sounds to me that she's stressed out. She's got a lot to think about that her singleton friend doesn't have to think about. She knows you aren't understanding what her life is like now. She's knows you're the one who she has to accommodate without expectation of you accommodating her.

I'd recommend focusing on her when you call her. Put aside any intention of talking about yourself and ask her questions about how things are going and what's in her plans. Be really interested in all these dramatic changes that have come into her life in these past few months and let her vent those frustrations and aggravations. Take some care of her instead of making her feel like she has to take care of you. That's being a friend.

Thanks Wefunction,
I appreciate your input there. You always have some thoughtful advice. I would have never looked at the part about thinking about her. I am struggling as much as she is and so it's awkward at the moment. As for the fish fry, I actually never was planning on buying anything since I ate a late lunch and that was a huge meal at 3:00 PM and the thing was at 5:30 PM. I was just a tad annoyed at the way she sprung her stressful situation on me. I understand and I decided to pay her back for springing for me at the Ash Wednesday dinner.

Friends change after marriage
My friend also avoids me like this. because she is having lot of inlaw problems and her inlaws are strict
they expect her to bear a male child, to work, to not spend etc
She talks for barely 5mins on the phone and then hangs up
she makes excuses just like you mentioned about door bell ringing, or other call coming etc
so even i avoid her and not ask too much questions and its just a generic friendship now.

I think you should also avoid this friend of yours since all relationship come with expiry date
you need to move on and find friends like you who are single.

She isn't that bad but it's more like sometimes she can be very cold with me and it's like sometimes I feel that she doesn't really understand what it's like to be single. Sometimes I feel that he seems to be more important.

Other times, I wish I had a boyfriend myself that I was into so that we could share each other's thoughts about ups and downs about being in a relationship but I really don't have that.