Aspie husband

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My husband (not officially diagnosed but marriage counsellor suggested) has some behaviour that I don't understand and would like to know if anyone else knows of similar traits in other aspies.
He behaves like a child sometimes and speaks through an overly eager 'smile' which is quite bizzarre and I find imposssible to relate to. This sort of 'conversation' can go on for several days or longer and consists of extremely short sentences (statements) on trivial things (ex; 'what bit did you like best?' referring to something we did earlier or ' i think children like coming to the beach!'). It's almost like he is looking for me to praise him like a child. But I cannot relate to him when he is like this as he is my husband and I want to be married to a man not a child (don't mean that to sound like an insult, simply stating how it makes me feel).
He is also extremely argumentative and I know from his sisters that this is something that he used to be like when he lived with his mother (apparently he doesn't argue with her now, maybe he has transferred it to me). He will start arguments when our young daughter is with us, once resulting in him shouting and swearing at me and pushing me in the back infront of people in a queue (which he did later apologise for, for what it was worth).
I don't know how much longer I can cope with this way of life as I feel miserable when he is at home and happy when he is at work - and this really isn't the basis of a working marriage.

Talking like a child is not a characteristic of AS. In fact many children with AS are noted to converse like adults. Some men like to be babied. Some women like to baby men. You should just let your husband know that he is annoying you when he does this.



Starting arguments is not a characteristic of AS. People with AS can be stubborn in their thinking and this may lead to arguments but the person with AS is rarely the one to initiate it and it's a bit unusual for someone with AS to start an argument intentionally. Most people with AS would find the concept of that stressful and pointless.

And let me highlight something...he started an argument with you in public in front of young children, swore at you and became physically violent with you. That is not something an apology would fix for me. I'd demand he get some pretty intense therapy or he would be served divorce papers.

I don't know how much longer I can cope with this way of life as I feel miserable when he is at home and happy when he is at work - and this really isn't the basis of a working marriage.[/quote]

Does he even go to these marriage counseling appointments with you?

Yes he did go to the sessions, willingly, but we also had a few one-to-ones which is when the counsellor said to me that she was convinced he had aspergers. That was over a year ago and my husband knows nothing of what she said, so I just hold this to myself as, in the words of the counsellor, I shouldn't tell him ' as you don't know how he will react' (not meaning to suggest he is violent, more, well I can't explain, just weird and difficult to predict). We don't go any more as the counsellor became 'unavailable' (think she didn't know where to go with us anymore).
I realise that not all of my husbands behaviour is down to Aspergers, I'm just trying desperately to get some direction I suppose.

Is your husband happy in the marriage? Has he been violent on other occasions?

He sems to view the arguments as normal whilst I consider them to be crushing. I know he loves me and I have told him repeatedly that I am not happy but he doesn't seem to take it on board, just blames me for exagerating the situation. I think he is unhappy that I have withdrawn from him so much but I think he is happier than I am. I don't believe that he wants to seperate.
He has only been violent to me on the one occasion, brought about by me interupting his routine and him reacting badly to it.

Have things always been this way? If not, what has changed?

Married him I guess is what changed. Before that we had never lived together. He is not from my country so maybe the strain of not being in his own country gets too much for him and he finds it harder to keep his aspergers at bay.

I expect he could keep up better behaviour when you were not living together but when you moved in together he had less time alone to recover, change in routines and someone elses needs to consider.

All your complaints sound just like what my ex said about me, I would guess form that, that you probably are not suited to each other, you need someone more sensitive to your needs and he needs someone less sensitive to his inadequacies.

My ex said again and again, how miserable I made him and how distressed he was, I desperately wanted to make him happy and cared deeply that I was upsetting him, but I did not know how to be different or what to do to make things better. If you can think of some concrete things he could do which would make you happier it would be worth telling him. In my case I think I could only be what my ex needed if I had only seen him for 'dates' rather than living together or being together for prolonged periods, I could not keep the 'good' behaviour up. I was worse doing things with my ex which included my children as I found it too overwhelming and hard to deal with so many people and their needs and what was going on, especially when trying to shop.

I dont think he will change, as its very hard for people to change even when they really want to.

If you really want to keep at it, try a different therapist as that one sounds not very profesional as she should have told him that she thought he had aspergers, not just told you, she should have worked through that with both of you.

Is he from India?

I would argue that it could be common with people who have AS, perhaps not a characteristic as such - I talk like a child, in my teens I also used to bark like a dog and sing silly songs because I didn't know how to communicate with my peers. Not all people with AS will do this, however many of us adapt this sort of behaviour as we find communicating with others difficult as times, it's dumbing down due to low confidence in what or how we're communicating. It may be that as you're both in a stressful position he may be regressing or finding it hard to openly communicate with you.



I'd also argue that although most people with AS don't tend to go out of their way to start arguments, it may be a passive-aggressive behaviour tied-in to issues he has with low self-esteem or it may be out of frustration - when in situations of high anxiety or sensory overload people with AS can get very frustrated...and may take it out on those around them.

I'm not saying AS is an excuse or even a reason for this behaviour, but it may be a factor - AS effects people differently, we can do things that may make no sense or that we may not understand or be able to explain - I'm just saying it is a possibility. Even if these things are not AS-specific, if he is AS then that's got to be taken into consideration in some areas.

I think that is likely just a personal trait of yours.

I've seen plenty of autistic people behave in the manor Bloodheart describes for what its worth.

Particularly when caught in situations that they are uncertain how to respond

I agree. I used to do a lot of the behavior that Bloodheart described, especially in my late teens. I would sing jingles from radio commercials, or tell childish jokes. Once I sang all the songs from a musical, because someone asked if I knew the words!

I do that, sometimes.