Need to chat with some female with AS

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I am having troubles accepting and understanding my AS girlfriend. Need urgent advice !

Well, okay, why don't you specify what your questions are? Your current post is unanswerable. You need to add details.

Thanks for your fast response Molly. It is really a long long story.

But today question is: Why an AS woman would talk about something that irritate her NT boyfriend, even knowing that the subject is uninteresting, boring and irritating for him ?

Still not really enough information to give an adequate response. As it is, your question came across to me as... why is she speaking when you didn't give her permission to speak.

Come now, no need to be like that. He just wants to know why we spend so much time talking about our interests.

Come now, no need to be like that. He just wants to know why we spend so much time talking about our interests.[/quote]

That may be it exactly. She may not be able to help it, if it is her current "special interest" she may feel compelled to talk about it. Sometimes it's really hard to stop it. Does she know how much it bothers you?

Thanks Rhiannon0828 for your kindness.

I am 40 and she 42. We are together for almost 2 years now, but living separately like 11.000 km (long story)

There are two co-workers of her that like to make sexual comments on her. One is inviting her over and over to a nudist beach. The other makes jokes about her legs. In both cases she found that total amousing and hilarant.
I, on the other hand, as NT, male, phisically far from her, jealouse, I hate that she come to me to talk about this things. She knows that, we have already discuss that a couple of times. But it is like she does not learn anything, and tell me again "funny" things that happens with her co-workers that I do not find funny at all !

I am aware that we live and work with other sexs people, and I am aware that female are target for men for hitting. I am OK that men have interests in my girlfriend. I am just NOT OK that she comes to me telling me that. Is it too difficult to understand for ASs ?

Thanks for any advice !

Have you ever asked her whether she remembers you telling her not to discuss the flirting with you? Did she say she forgot?

Have you asked her why she did it again after you asked her not to? What was her reply?

If you've been arguing about this, what is her side of the disagreement? How does she explain her behaviour?

We are not mind-readers so we don't know what these conversations between you two sounded like. This does not sound like someone who's obsessively talking about their special interest. This sounds like a different problem that may or may not be related to AS.

If your girlfriend was NT I'd suspect she was jerking your chain and making you jealous on purpose, playing head games with you. But if she really is AS then she's unlikely to be doing it as a deliberate and cruel manipulation, or at least I'd like to think Aspies aren't normally like that.

She remembered well the discussions we had about, and how uncomfortable I feel when she tell me things like this.

But one thing that I know she wants in a couple is to be free to talk about everything. I know that she has no sexual interest on her co-workers. I think it is because of his naive personality that she come to tell me things like this.

She is not AS diagnosed, but I found very commons backgrounds, including lack of common sense, her father also very AS like, she married once an aspie and their son is Aspie all around.

Thanks

I don't know enough about the situation or the people involved to make any sort of judgment, but a few thoughts come to mind.

One is that people with AS often seem to be very concerned with honesty. I always feel like I have to share any doubts or failings I think I have, or else I worry that I'm being less than honest. (It's one reason why I am terrible at job interviews.)

Is it possible that your girlfriend is telling you about the flirting (and about how it makes her feel) because she would feel like she was hiding something from you otherwise?

Is it possible that her coworkers' behavior is making her uncomfortable, or maybe that she doesn't know how to deal with it unless she has someone to talk to about it?

Speaking as a person with Asperger's, one concept that is sometimes difficult to deal with is that I can't quite be all of myself, all of the time-- in other words, that there are rules about what it is appropriate to share about one's self, and these rules are often quite complicated. (One of the most common examples of this is that when most people ask "How are you doing?", they do not actually expect (or want) you to tell them.)

It's possible that you think you have made it obvious what you don't want your girlfriend to talk to you about and why, but maybe it isn't so obvious to her. You may need to think like an Aspie-- be patient, communicate exactly what you mean.

Please feel free to disregard any of this if it doesn't apply. I have almost no relationship experience myself; as I said, these are just some thoughts that occurred to me as I read this thread.

bicentennialman,

you have it ! This is why she is telling me that : "Is it possible that your girlfriend is telling you about the flirting (and about how it makes her feel) because she would feel like she was hiding something from you otherwise?"

And now, what should I do to make her clear that I am not worried that she will have sex with them, but that I feel not confortable at all when she tell me things like that, without being like she alwayss says "over-sensitive" ?

Thanks you all, you are helping me big time !

I'm not a great person for advice, but I know sometimes I have said things to my husband that it's like "OUCH" afterwards... maybe I shouldn't have told that part of the story...but I get so carried away telling my story that I tell him things I know that he doesn't even want to hear. I also don't remember things that people tell me, or answers I give to questions, if I am interrupted from my train of thought.
Have you tried just changing the subject when she brings it up? Or skipping past it somehow?
I only say this, because if I was purposely bringing up a touchy subject to alarm someone...if they skipped of the topic I would keep bringing it up again like "Hey don't you notice what I'm saying?" Or I'd be like, "Why didn't you say anything about _____?"
Chances are, if she doesn't say anything like that, and things just move one...she didn't mean anything by it. She probably didn't notice, or maybe she did but she's let it go too.

Good luck.

People with AS get obsessive about certain interests and will talk about them just because they like to hear themselves talk about them and confirm with themselves they information they know. If it has occurred to them to share things they like with others, they will attempt to share this information with others.

I would probably do the same thing thinking that my openness meant I had nothing to hide and not being aware of that it is actually doing the opposite effect being that it is dealing with feelings (I guess). When I did go on and on with stuff either my kids or my coworker had no interest or heard before, I tell them to start talking about something they liked to break me from that habit and it eventually made me think before I would start to monologue. Maybe you could use a word or phrase that is not demeaning but gets the point across.

I did this with my ex bf all the time, even though he asked me not to talk about things which bother him.

The reason why is because I think it shouldnt bother him and am too rigid to not talk about those subjects. Also because I think its ok, it does not upset me talking about it, I cant accept his feelings are different to mine.

Thanks for your many replies.

I love my AS girlfriend and we are together (but phisically distant) for 2 years now.
Our lifes together are wonderful, we love each other dearly. We are great in and out the bed. We are happy.

But... there is one and only one situation when we argue, and can produce a disasterous ending to our relationship:

When she says something that I first find unappropiate (ofending) I loose my temper and start to discuss with her. I can not find a way to stop myself feeling "attacked" from what she said and automatically the discussion begin.

How can I control myself to skipping past my momentary anger until I realized that her meaning was naive and innocent ? Any anger control tips ?

It happens from time to time, and is a relationship killer. If I do not find a way, our relationship will surely end. And we both want a happy ending for our love story.