How does one respond to unwanted advances?

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While this is an issue that anyone can face I felt more comfortable putting it here.

Despite my age I have had to deal with a few hormonal teens trying to do stuff that I did not want to happen. Nothing too extreme though. For example when I was about 14 my friend's boyfriend thought it would be ok to repeatedly touch my leg and put an arm around me when I had explicitly told him not to and that he was stressing me out. I warned him that if he continued I would stick my compass in his leg (we were in CLASS) and he didn't listen so I did. Not my finest hour but I was panicked and nothing else would get him to stop and I was extremely touch adverse at the time. I got in trouble for that and next time couldn't get him to stop because the shock factor of that wore off. I've also been touched when I couldn't really do anything about it/by surprise on other occasions.

I transferred to a girls school so didn't really have to deal with this for awhile afterwards but am now back in a mixed environment because I am in college. I obviously can't react physically like I did when I was younger but don't really know what I am supposed to do in order to get people to stop but also remain safe while doing so. I get told I look terrified a lot of the time and I know I m jumpy so despite my height (5"10 which I believe is tall for a girl and I wear platforms which make me appear even larger) I feel and know from the past people can tell I am weak and will try to prey on that. What should I do and do you have any advice for this area of my life? It doesn't have to be just the more extreme stuff but general unwanted advances. On a more light side my inability to know what to do with the milder things has me avoiding the beloved Starbucks near my school because the barista winked at me.

I responded to this yesterday but deleted it for some reason.

Anyway, I had a similar experience with a best friend’s boyfriend when I was around 14. When I told her about it, she said that that’s how he is with everyone. (Some boyfriend...)

I think that in college the key is to make safe choices to the best of your ability. Avoid being alone with someone until you know him very well. Try to hang out with people in groups. Avoid going to crazy parties, especially frat parties. Certainly, don’t go without a buddy who will abstain from drinking for the night. Similarly, use discernment when someone offers you a drink or tries to get you to drink. People of college age aren’t usually going to do anything too inappropriate when sober people are around because they are aware of the potential ramifications of their actions.

I think there’s a difference between someone wanting to get to know you and someone who touches you inappropriately. It’s good to make new friends as long as you try to put some safeguards in place to avoid dangerous situations. I, personally, prefer doing group stuff for awhile before hanging out with people individually (if I ever get to that point with some individuals).

As far as the barista winking at you, just don’t give him much attention. (It is kind of “ick” especially since he doesn’t actually know you...) Get your cup of coffee and make it clear that you’re not interested in engaging him in conversation. Avoid looking at him or talking to him beyond very basic good manners and telling him how you want your coffee. He’ll get the hint. Perhaps try to talk to the other employees instead. Usually, if you offer no encouragement for this type of behavior, it’ll stop on its own.

I know that it’s hard when you’re shy because these situations can feel so awkward but his behavior shouldn’t be keeping you from a delicious cup of coffee in the morning.

By the way, there was nothing wrong with the way you responded to that boy’s unwanted advances. If someone doesn’t keep his hands to himself, he should know that there will be consequences. My college offered a self defense class as a physical education elective. You might want to see if your college has something similar.

It might be good to try to work on building your self confidence. I think that if you appear confident and self assured people might be less inclined to mess with you because they think that they could potentially get a hard knee to the groin or be reported to the Dean or police if the situation warrants it. This is one of the things that I would definitely address if I could relive my college experience.

You don’t want to worry so much that it keeps you from building friendships, either. It’s important to find some balance.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 26 Dec 2019, 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The girl whose boyfriend it was is a very close friend but at the the time nervously laughed and said he was just like that and got him to give me a lack luster apology. I think after hearing more about their relationship and other people's/what my peers put up with I suddenly realised I could at one point actually be in danger of being mistreated. My mother had a few horrifying stories herself and while everything I've gone through is low level, I don't want to have no knowledge if I have to deal with something worse like many women in my family. Basically abusive relationships are very common and most of the women are single parents with husbands who are invisible in their lives and have had horrible life experiences. I want to be an exception.

Luckily I get panic attacks at anything that resembles a party, even family ones, and so avoid them altogether and won't drink or do anything along those lines. I have my reasons but even if I didn't my family has loads of problems with addiction and there's a good chance I'm more likely to develop schizophrenia. I don't want to disturb things. College in the UK is a bit different but parting is still very much a thing.

I am going to have to get over the barista thing and he apologised because apparently I looked mortified/terrified. It is partly my reaction that is the reason I avoid the place but it is a trend with me and my friends to cut places off if we get a weird amount of free stuff etc. My friends are annoyed though because they can tell I 'need' the coffee and am being a tad silly in not getting it.

As for self defence, I think I am going to think in going back into it at some point because I used to do a martial art called Wing Chun and was very good at it, well except for missing target a few times and punching people by accident (ah dyspraxia). I think I'd definitely feel safer. I just wish I didn't have to be physical in order to ensure everything would be ok. It doesn't help that my reaction to stressful situations can be either fight or freeze and I can't really choose which, I just hope for the best. Luckily I am also someone with a huge temper who cares about justice so if I feel angry about what is happening, and I felt furious then, I suddenly feel very powerful and gain respect or assert myself. I had to fight that same guy a lot and then his friend who he egged on.

I definitely need to work on the old confidence I just don't know how because many things tell me I have a pathetically low self esteem. It doesn't help that I am mentally ill and have had experiences that have given me a low opinion of myself. I am currently trying to make sure I stay clean and fit at least - a very hard feat when you feel low and just want to stay in bed all day.

The good news is that the awareness that you have puts you ahead of the game. You’ve observed problems that your family has dealt with and have that experience which will help you make smart choices and avoid getting into that situation to the best of your ability.

With some of the mental problems that you struggle with, are you in counseling? This would be great stuff to talk to a counselor about. My college had counselors on campus that students could regularly meet with.

Martial arts sounds like a great idea, too. There’s nothing wrong with self defense when a situation warrants it.

Finally, you probably want to be careful to not be so stressed that you avoid making friendships entirely (or romantic relationships if you want them). Sometimes a good friendship can alleviate some of the stress that goes along with the college experience and make it more enjoyable overall. There’s a lot of really good people out there.

I've been in and out of therapy for the past six years funnily enough. Come late January I'll be in it again, who knows for how long haha. This will most definitely be brought up as it links to some family problems that make even romantic songs give me panic attacks.

Oh I have good friends now and I personally think I have issues with knowing what is correct to do at which stages because I'm told a friendship with me usually goes at a way faster speed than normal. I'm the sort of person who you will easily find yourself having a philosophical conversation with in your first meeting and it won't be an uncomfortable one either. I may normally be painfully awkward but given the right person I will bond incredibly fast. That can be good or bad because I tend to find people who are very interesting types of messed up and bond with them. However I also often find amazing people who weirdly enough, are often the most bullied/mistreated. I'm not sure if this intensity should be fixed.

I’ve been in therapy for a long time, too. There’s nothing wrong with that!

If someone's advances are non physical, ignore them, or in a job situation, report them to the boss or human resources. If someone gets physical, and won't stop after being told to, then you need to physically rebuff them. That's the only way to get across that "NO" means "NO" to that type of jerk.

I was sitting in my car at a very long red light at a Mall exit lane many years ago when several teen punks approached my car. It was a hot day, and my A/C never worked in that car, so I had both front windows open. When I saw these pests approaching, I was able to reach across the wide front seat to roll up the passenger side window, and make sure the door was locked. The car had no power windows or locks. The jerks had gotten to my car by then and one was by the driver's side window laughing, and with his hands on the edge of the window, as I started to roll it up. I never said anything, I just kept rolling up the window, and he kept laughing, thinking I would never dare go as far as closing it on his fingers. I had the last laugh. I never, ever paused in rolling up the window, and had the pleasure of seeing the sudden look of terror and pain in his eyes as he pulled his fingers free at the last moment. I'm sure he lost some skin in the process. This was a useful educational moment for him. "Don't mess with people because they may fight back."

Anyway, the best defense is a good offense, so do take up martial arts again. Better to be prepared than to be a victim.

I am now a senior citizen, and get around with 2 quad tipped canes. No attacker will wait politely while I put aside my canes to get a gun out or a phone to call for help, so I looked online for some cane self defense videos. There are actually a lot of them, and they were somewhat helpful, but only one was for using a quad tipped cane. I bookmarked that one, as it was the most helpful. I occasionally go thru the moves involved, and even when I'm not up to that physically, I'll review it mentally, so I will be better able to defend myself should I ever have to.

REMEMBER!! ! Everyone has the right to not be messed with, and everyone has the right to defend themselves, with force if necessary.