Helping "the women" in the kitchen at family/socia

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This is one area where my Aspie-side DEFINITELY shows...

When you are at a social gathering and all the women just "know" what to do with bringing the right food, where to put it, how to help the others, when to help others, what to do in the kitchen and when, where everything goes, how to talk to everyone of all ages. I always feel so awkward! These days I just sit back and do nothing - not because I am lazy, but because I have had too many experiences of people getting fed up with all my questions as to how to do something and eventually they TELL me to sit down and they will just do it themselves (in a polite way, but still) And I can just "feel" my own awkwardness seething into the room - I just stand there not knowing what to do. I just don't understand how the other women naturally "know" all this stuff! And they are all so much better at talking to all the others there, too. The women are meant to be the helpful, sociable glue at these events, and I just am so bad at it.

Anyone else?

I've thought about that on and off. I'm still relatively on the younger side. But at family gatherings, I dont really do anything. I will just sit in a corner and not say much.

I guess for NT women, many of them are very social beings. And they just naturally picked that stuff up while watching there mother or female relatives while growing up. While us aspies were pretty oblivious to what was going on while growing up. Aspies probably have less mirror neurons so we dont pick up things as fast.

For me, in terms of food preparation and the setting up of stuff, I know what to do. If my moms hosting a gathering, I'll help her. But if the gathering is hosted at someone elses, I dont entirely know what to do to help since I am not the one in charge or I dont know them that well. As for the socializing and talking to people part, uhh Im very antisocial.

Its sorta one of those things when I think about the female role in being the social glue. That's a really hard expectation for aspie women to live up to because we get so lost. I dont think NT women necessarily try, they just know intuitively in the sense and they enjoy and thrive in settings like that because there brains are wired differently then ours are. Its just one of those things that boil down to brain wiring and the fact that were just different then NTs.

There was a time when NT's aspired to be more compassionate, back when people believed in religion. Now it's just another facade to project. The fact it takes something so absurd and delusional as religion to illicit compassion from them says a lot about their nature.

What I'm trying to say is, they choose to be impatient with you because of their faults, not yours.

Fortunately I've never needed to do the whole 'helping the women in the kitchen' thing as in my family both men and women did that kind of thing and they also knew to leave me the hell alone, but I don't like the whole segregation that occurs at parties...you go to a party and you're instantly welcomed into the room where the women are, it's expected that you want to be with the other women to go talk about handbags etc. and if you try to escape to be with the men you're not welcomed because it's not your place

I try to help just enough not to be rude. I never really understood why it wasn't a little more equal opportunity in the kitchen instead of work for the "womenfolk". I've finally driven it home to my father- in- law that if he drops in unannounced I will not be whipping him up a fresh batch of whatever and delivering a frosty beer with a smile.

I've never helped in the kitchen at anything, not even at home.

We only have one family get together once a year and for most of that I sit in the next room watching tv by myself or with one or two apparently somewhat antisocial uncles. There isn't really much help needed at that and my mother bringing food probably counts as me contributing.

I don't really cook and I never do dishes so there isn't much I could help with anyways.

The women know how to help each other because they already know how to cook, set a table, etc. If you don't know how to do those things, of course it will not come naturally to you.

well.... not totally true. i have worked as a cook, and have been baking since i was 10 years old. also it was one the rotating chore schedule to clean the kitchen right from my teen years too, so i knew how to go about kitchen stuff.

BUT i am clueless in the choreographed and effortless dance of people preparing and serving meals as a group. and even once i got used to working with one group over a course of years, as soon as i worked with a new group, i was lost again. i never know when to jump out of my seat, what to offer to whom, how they want something done, whether i am supposed to offer advice, if i am supposed to hover or go back to the group when a task is done, and so on. i finally tried asking questions directly, but if you ask too much then they get weary of explaining and finally say, "never mind, i've got it."

there are even unspoken roles each person plays, according to their relationship. i.e. in one case it might be the hostess's sister and mother who will help the most. they arrive early and stay late and offer moral support to the hostess. the next in line could be the mother-in-law, aunties and then female cousins and daughters. basically, according to familiarity and relationship, the helpers slot themselves naturally into certain positions. but i don't fit the roles properly and end up ballsing it all up.

even after i was married 20 years, i never got better at it.

OMG, it was only the other day when I was thinking about this exact thing, as I remembered examples of social expectations that confuse me. This is one I've always had trouble with. I eventually picked up after various occasions that the women were supposed to be doing the food and kitchen stuff, so I'd wander into the kitchen and ask if I could do anything. The others seemed to know and not to ask, and I wasn't sure if I should be asking, or if I should just pick something up and do whatever with it or if that was rude, if I should have asked sooner etc. It's always confused me. I feel that I'm forcing myself to do it because it doesn't come naturally (I'm married with children and obviously cook etc. but this is something different). I do think this is something that female Aspies struggle with, definitely. I always end up wondering if I've done enough and on occasion insisted that I do the washing up (even though I really didn't want to) because I didn't know if they were declining my offer because they were being polite or not.

In India food is a very important part of social life and in every gathering women automatically take charge as the host. They are good with serving, cooking and offering.

But since my own mother was horrible cook and host i myself dont know how to go about these things. The only great party i hosted was for my sons first birthday the food was ordered from outside.

I am horrible cook, extremely poor hostess and people generally avoid coming to my house. Luckily for me there are barely any guest and those who do come never bother to come the next time.

Also i am more happy that i dont have a daughter because otherwise i would have to teach her all this and since i dont know myself how would i teach her.

While I'm a good cook and can manage very well in my own kitchen and the meal I planned, I'm just completely lost in someone else's kitchen or scheme. What I usually do, because I do want to help, is saying to the host that I never seem to know what to do in someone else's kitchen, but that I'll be happy to help if he or she gives me a specific task... Nobody's perfect.

Since I do most of the cooking at home, I actually feel more comfortable helping out in the kitchen at social gatherings. There are usually only one or two other people in there, and I can focus on the tasks at hand without too much social interaction.

Besides ... I usually get to eat first, and usually by myself ...

By the time I've noticed that the meal is over, all the clearing up is mostly done. I can't figure out how to jump in. It reminds me of trying to get on an escalator when I was little. My timing is off just enough to attract unpleasant attention.

I'm lost in this area, especially at social events. I usually end up in the way much more than I actually help. These are moments when I sometimes wish I was a "worker bee" like everyone else and instinctively knew what to do. So, I mostly try to avoid situations like these or find some other acceptable activity to do while the "womenfolk" are tending to the food.

I am an NT, and at 30 years old I still struggle in regards to the 'helping women in the kitchen'' social requirement. It's not that I don't know how to do things in the kitchen or how to serve. It's simply because I feel uncomfortable with unfamiliar groups of women, due to my high anxiety levels.

In some situations, when women are familiar and comfortable, serving in the kitchen together will increase their bonds of friendship. But in most situations it can be a harrowingly competitive activity. The competitive nature of it is expressed in very socially subtle ways, and an inexperienced NT will often get confused and told to 'just sit down and relax'' I can only imagine how challenging a kitchen situation could be for an Aspie.

It's not important to be ''good in the kitchen'' in order to be a good female. Personally I prefer to sit outside and drink with the men. It doesn't make me any less feminine. But, if you want to try and crack the NT code, it will be a good challenge for you.

I prefer to be in charge. I'm fine in my own home. I can kind of get a meal prepared without thinking and only really ask for help with serving. I go to my parents' house twice a week for dinner. I'm in charge there too. My Mum prepares the lettuce, but I do everything else. She likes it that way.

But, if I'm in another person's home, I don't like to intrude (I wouldn't want anyone other than my husband in my kitchen). I hate being at my husband's brother's house for a meal. They spend a ridiculous amount of time in the kitchen (I have everything prepared beforehand). They don't wait for guests to leave before washing up either. In my house, we spend as much time as possible with our guests, in the dining room/lounge. The dishes just get piled up in the kitchen and dealt with after everyone leaves. That way, we have more time for relaxing, with our guests. But, I've come to realise that my in-laws really are expecting help with the preparation and clearing up. I just would never expect any guest to do that in my home, so I'd never offer, other than piling up plates and putting paper napkins in the bin, etc.