How Bad Does It Have to Be?

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So, I've recently come to the conclusion that I've probably got AS. I fit almost all the symptoms and wrote a rather detailed post in the General Autism discussion forum detailing these things. At any rate, there's one thing that seems to be a marked difference for me that might say I shouldn't worry about AS.

I don't have horrible fear or a difficult time talking to people. I don't like it, I don't seek it out, but I can be polite and have a conversation with someone--I can even easily meet their eyes, if they don't make me uncomfortable. In fact, I like looking people in the eyes, because they're very expressive of emotions.

I'm an extremely garrulous individual, once I get talking. People do often comment about my 'wordiness,' but in mostly affectionate terms. I'll happily talk with friends, for the most part. But, I don't like parties, I hate big crowds (they make me anxious), and I prefer to only be at home with my husband and I really only like going to visit friends if they're /really/ good friends.

So, does this automatically nix me for the AS diagnosis? Are there varying levels of social communicative issues, as with all the other symptoms of AS? What're your thoughts?

Nope, it's a spectrum thing. I'm actually quite similar to you, but I don't like the eye contact so I don't really look at people while talking. I have a few nice friends who are very supportive. But yet I do have Asperger's.

Could you provide a link to this post?

No this doesnt disqualify you for an Aspergers diagnosis. Theres a lot of female aspies who can put on a nice pleasant exterior but its mostly an act. One thing you have to consider, do you symptoms clinically affect your life. As in, do you feel you life is significantly harder then other people due to your symptoms. If you talk about your issues with your friends, do you feel that your friends just dont get it? Like they act like they understand but in reality they just don't get it?

Remember everything's a gradient, there's a blurry line between aspie/NT. The people in between are BAP, technically NT but with aspie like personalities. Where they have some aspie symptoms but they dont significantly interfere with their lives. I personally dont think you can qualify for an aspergers diagnosis unless your life is actually affected.

Yep, that's right.

Of course. I've made a bit of a butt of myself, due to miscommunication and defensiveness, but I hope you won't let that color your entire view of me. Click here for my introduction post.


If I'd never met my husband? HELL, YES. I was /miserable/ before I met him. I felt horribly misunderstood and unloved, judged and belittled. He's the only person in my life who's ever truly tried to get to know me--and has really done very well. If it hadn't been for his patient, unwavering love, support and guidance--I'd probably still be living at home with my parents, today. I just can't handle life, as an adult, on my own. The only reason I'm /not/ severely affected by this is because my husband takes care of me, is there for me every second, and gives me everything I could ever want or need. Without him, I'd be nowhere.


Oh, god, yes. I don't know how to explain it better than that. The only person I can talk to about my issues is my husband, really. I can't talk to my friends or family, even, because I feel like it's a waste of time, usually. :/

I doubt if you will get diagnosed with Aspergers to be honest with you. There are a lot of people who don't like parties and big crowds but that doesn't mean that they have AS.

When you say it affects your life - do you have trouble getting and keeping a job? Do you have communication issues that affect your success in an educational program - weather sensory or theory of mind? Are you able to complete "daily acts of living without significant assistance - fold laundry, go shopping, use public transit etc? Are you particularily socially vulnerable due to nievity or "theory of mind issues"? Do you need support making decisions regarding health finance or legal issues? Are you or have you been targeted by bullying either in school, in the community or in the workplace?

These are the kind of things that doctors often look at when they are trying to evaluate weather someone has "aspie traits" but is more or less able to function within the norm or weather they are have a "marked imparement" socially.

Thanks for all the clarifying questions, Merp! These are things I didn't even think about when I started all my posting, because I always thought it's just how things are for me. But, let me answer your questions and go a little into detail about my answers. I hope it helps make things a little easier to understand about me.

Yes. This isn't something I'm proud of, but until I got a job when I was around 25 with the only boss I've ever liked, I hadn't been able to keep a job longer than six months. The boss I had was an awesome lady named Debbie. She's just amazing in so many ways I can't even explain, but she never micro-managed me or made me feel pressured or stressed out. I struggle a lot with the overwhelming responsibilities that come with a job--but, I'm not sure if that's ADD/ADHD related or if it's part of AS--or a mixture of both.

At the moment, I /really/ need to get started looking for a job, because my husband and I moved cities for his job and money is tight, right now. But, I'm finding the prospect of getting another job to be incredibly daunting and no matter how much I try to force myself to be positive about it, I can only feel a strange, wordless sort of dread about it.

To be honest, I'm not sure what you mean by this question. If someone could give me a basic sort of example, I think I could better answer this. I have learning difficulties, at any rate, which include an inability to grasp concepts of things like geography, higher mathematics and history. I just can't seem to either understand them or retain the information, though that could be partially ADD, because I can retain information on almost anything that I find interesting.

No. Again, this isn't something I'm proud of, but... I don't drive. I can't take the public transit for multiple reasons (people, smells, germs, confusing bus transfers and so on). I can fold laundry with no issues. My husband does all the shopping, but that's more because I'm usually at home and don't go out very often, so he picks up what we need on his way home from work and we go through the Grocery Parade. (Which is where he shows me all the things he got at the store. ) I don't know how helpful this is or if it's even germane, but I have a /devil/ of a time deciding what I want to eat, most days. I only seem to know what I don't want as my husband lists options for me to choose from.

Yes and no. I was much, much more vulnerable to this sort of thing when I was younger. Now, not so much, but I /do/ make comments or voice ideas that others have laughed about, because I've been so wrong about something or I say something that can be taken in a 'dirty' way and don't understand, at first, why people laugh. That one happens a lot, the last one. As for theory of mind... I think I've got a good sense of how people are feeling and what they're thinking, but I think I'm also not as correct as I think I am when I make these connections, often.

I mean, I worked really hard to train myself, as a child/teen/adult, to understand what people's body language meant. People fascinate me, often, so I want to understand how their personality-types work. It's an ongoing interest that became sort of habit, studying people and working to make the connections with past personality-type profiles I've cataloged in my brain. But, I will admit that, unless someone is responding positively, I automatically assume they're responding negatively--boredom, irritation, etc.--to whatever I'm saying. (That doesn't always stop me from finishing my complicated/strange/amusing thought/story/idea... But, yeah.)

Absolutely. Though, I'm not sure why. I'm an intelligent adult. I know what needs to be done, but I can't face these sorts of things on my own. Bills, too.

Yes, when I was younger. However, I've also got a bit of a temper issue that developed just after I hit puberty, I guess. When I was younger, before my temper became an issue, people would walk all over me--use me, steal from me, lie to me, etc. Then, I got angry and started alienating anyone who made me feel uncomfortable, scared or hurt by lashing out at them. It kept me safe, even if I was miserable. The workplace and community...not so much, I don't think.

Once again, I appreciate you writing all these out and I hope my answers are illuminating, either way.

I can't tell you how bad it has to be, but I can tell you what my level of impairment is so you can compare. I'm sure there are people more mild than me on here (as well as more severe), but its something written in one place for you to compare to.


The following is some of my difficulties, it however will definitely be not complete

Jobs
-I cannot find a job that I can physically do because of my sensory issues, simply finding a job to apply to is something incredibly rare
-The only time I've gotten to an interview in the past few years, as soon as the person interviewing did not understand what I was talking about and started telling me that I was wrong I froze, I could not think. Getting through an interview would be a huge challenge.
-I don't understand at all, even having researched, how I'm supposed to do things like dress for an interview
-Getting a meaningful job is something I've yet to do. If I see a career coach they tell me I should be on disability, but I don't qualify for either SSI or SSDI (grandparents having provided me with a trust fund meaning I have too much money, and lacking the previous work being reasons why).
School
-I was bullied enough as a child that I developed social anxiety as a result
-Some of my college classes that I was incredibly interested in I was unable to make it to 2/3s of the classes because of the sensory issues
-In groups projects I usually was forced to do all the work because of not knowing how to interact with my group members
-I was told I qualified for accommodations but that they wouldn't give them to me. Others would have managed to either not need them or to get them.
-Because of miscommunications with my teachers in high school, they ended up convinced that I was constantly lying, never doing my work, and a terrible student. I was almost kicked out of the school because of this. Mostly it was just that I didn't know how to ask for help, and thought I was doing what they wanted and unable to figure out that I wasn't. Luckily this triggered me seeing a "social learning disabilities" specialist and I was able to stay in the school.
-Not knowing how to talk about things that don't interest me literally caused me to get lower grades in classes in high school. I went through all of junior year Spanish with the teacher unaware that I actually understood what was going on because I wasn't participating in his mind. I was unaware that I was not participating, because I was adding everything I could to the conversations.
Social
-I not only do not have friends, I don't understand at all how acquaintances turn into friends, I don't know how to socialize, I don't know what to do, wanting friends doesn't allow me to make them
-I am naive enough, even after people explicitly taking advantage of me and me figuring out that they were doing so, that my naivety has caused me to be emotionally abused by people who I wasn't even in a romantic relationship with
-I apparently don't act right with people who I'm interacting with in public, but I don't know how. All I know is that I end up having bus drivers convinced that I'm a complete failure in every way because of not knowing what to do.
-I have huge difficulties asking for help. Even if I know the person well attempting to figure out how to ask for help can easily lead to me sobbing about not knowing what to do.
-When I try to read someone's face I get approximately "positive" or "negative" emotion out of it. This leads to interesting problems between my boyfriend and I, when I think he's annoyed at me and he's actually just tired, because I cannot see any difference between a tired face and an annoyed at me in particular face.
Sensory
-I not only choose not to leave my apartment, I rarely can because my senses are that hypersensitive
-Simply walking down the street I will end up in major pain (like possibly vomiting from the amount of pain) because I react that strongly to things. I literally get migraines before a majority of people can smell things like cigarette smoke
-What I can eat and drink is limited because of this. I can't drink straight water. I am vegetarian because I can't stand any meat. The textures of various foods make me feel ill.
-In general this area can be just described by headaches. I get headaches from most everything ("ultrasonic" sensors, florescent lights, people talking) it feels like because of the sensory overload
-I cannot drive. I don't mean that I've never learned, I mean that it is unsafe for me to ever drive. My sensory overload is severe enough that me driving would be less safe than someone with uncontrolled narcolepsy driving.
-In order to leave the apartment, when I do, I have a set of things that I must bring with me
-My sensory issues are severe enough that they play a major role in where we'll eventually live
Meltdowns and Shutdowns
-I have near daily meltdowns (at least at the moment, didn't when I was younger).
-I cannot deal with feeling like people are expecting contradictory things from me. This rarely doesn't lead to either a meltdown or a shutdown
-Similarly, if someone I know well misinterprates me into thinking am saying something that I feel like I'd never say, I end up melting down.
-Shutdowns are not nearly as often as meltdowns, but occur probably once a week and include me physically not being able to speak and at times unable to move.
Routines
-I cannot cope with expecting one thing and having it changed. So much as having the bus passing by at the wrong time and this causing me to miss the bus causes me to physically be shaking and unable to walk, even when there is time for me to walk where I need to go.

I also solidly have alexithymia, but I wasn't sure where to put that on the list. If you want more information, I can give it to you, but I'm unsure what else to list at the moment.

Goodness me, Tuttle. While I'm still unsure as to whether or not I have AS, I'm positive that my case isn't as severe as yours. I can easily see how Aspies (with their varying levels of severity) might read some questioning person's posts, wherein they list their symptoms, and groan. One thing most/all Aspies have difficulty doing is putting themselves in other people's shoes--and, by that, it may make it incredibly challenging to compare symptoms when the shades of severity are so vast.

Sensory... I can't compare my symptoms to yours, because my sensory issues (while certainly present) aren't nearly as debilitating as yours, thankfully. When I was younger, I'd have a very similar reaction to something you mentioned, when I was in a place that smelled "weird" to me. Nausea became pretty crippling and I almost had an "Oops! I Crapped My Pants" moment on more than one occasion. But, now, that doesn't happen very often--but, perhaps it's partially because I won't go to places that smell weird, anymore.

Jobs... Well, I'm not sure if the potential-AS or potential-ADD are the worst factors in me keeping a job or what. I do know that my hyper-focusing (to the detriment of my work-progress) is a very big contributing factor and the only reason I wasn't fired from the last job I had is because everyone that I worked with did their own thing and it was a very relaxed environment. I even convinced my boss to let me work without the fluorescent lights on, because there were huge, huge windows that let in more than enough light. But, my inability to focus on uninteresting things, my penchant for avoiding daunting projects and so on.. It's not good. I also am incapable of staying in a job where I feel I'm being treated unfairly, going so far as to stop showing up entirely, at times, without warning.

School... I was super-duper bullied. I was overweight (though, not that bad!) and all the other kids shunned and ridiculed me. I was a very sweet, happy girl before I started interacting with actual kids. I got along better with adults than my peers. However, when I was about eight years old, I was basically accosted socially by a girl named Brandy at lunchtime. I'd been eating by myself, as per usual, and she sat down next to me, started eating my food and talking to me as if we'd known each other previously. I knew her as the girl who was so heavy she broke a desk when she sat in it and the whole class made fun of her. It didn't even occur to me that being friends with her (because I wanted friends and had none) would make me even more of a social outcast.

And, it did get worse, but Brandy was incredibly manipulative. She took advantage of me at every opportunity (eating my food, copying my homework and so on) and, though I'm not sure it would've made any difference, ensured that I stayed her friend (and anyone else she could draw in). I was stuck with Brandy (and later Andrea) for years--all through elementary and junior high (where Crystal joined in). And, I was just this...little tag-along or something. They chattered amongst themselves and I watched them, listening, profiling, learning--without even realizing I was doing that. They kept me around because I was quiet, did pretty much what they wanted and they could, y'know, use me and walk all over me. Which they definitely did. They cooked up lies (e.g. Andrea claimed she'd been raped by her youth pastor and she needed an abortion) to tell me, because they knew I'd believe them--and, they laughed as I tried to show my concern and fears for them.

However. One thing saved me in school. One thing made it more tolerable than almost any other social outcast's school career. Band. I...love....music. I started out in 6th grade, playing flute. When I got to junior high, however, Mr. Lacy (the band director) had too many flutes and not enough of other instruments. He tricked me into playing French Horn--he gave it to me and said, 'Play it for a week and if you don't like it, go back to flute.' I listened to what French Horns should sound like and then attempted to play. It was a disaster. I sounded so horrible. So, so bad! So, I practiced like a crazed person. I began to hyper-focus on it, because I wanted so much to sound good when I played. I've been playing French Horn ever since. High school was only tolerable because of band. I only had 'friends' because of band. My life was drastically improved because of band. Because of music. And, I'm still a music junkie, to this day.

Social... This is probably the area where I'm least strongly affected by potential-AS. I was forced to socialize an awful, awful lot when I was little. I was in daycare with my little sister from a very young, young age until I was about 15 or so. I was around kids /all/ the time. I remember, however, that I spent more time with the adults and the babies than I did with my peers. Like I said, though, I developed a profiling/categorizing/filing system for personalities I encountered--like a little scientist. That's probably helped me more than anything.

Meltdowns/Shutdowns... In that I do my best to avoid stress and overstimulation, I don't have these as often--especially after my husband learned how to interact with me. I've been working with him for over ten years to try and get a handle on my temper issues, as well. I do still have these--had one the first day I posted here. They're not nearly as frequent as yours, though.

Routines... I live my life by these. If they get disrupted, it's very displeasing and can ruin my whole day because I feel that everything's 'off' and 'ruined' for that day. Occasionally, my husband can rouse me from the funk that ensues, but it's difficult to do.


Honestly, if I compared myself to your symptoms and level of severity, I'd say I definitely don't have AS. However, the feeling persists. I'm gonna keep researching and reading. Thank you so, so much for this, Tuttle!