Doubtfullness at ability to continue Parenting..Need advice

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Ok. So. Has anyone ever not realised they were on the autistic spectrum and found parenting hard and blamed themselves for being inadequate, even to the point of sending their child to live temporarily with family/freinds?

I did this and it was a mistake. I got my son back and we've resolved our issues, thank goodness. I didn't with my family though.

I am still struggling with coping (I take care of him fine, it's my emotional and mental state that going crazy) and I still get that "rubbish parent" feeling as is my default feeling about myself as a parent, even though I reakon I have asperger's it hasn't made any difference to my self image. I supose it's because I really do need support in parenting?????

Sometimes parenting drives me so crazy that I feel like saying "go away" and this is breaking my heart, and I don't want to hurt my son's feelings, but I think one day I might just pop again, as I have before. I'm feeling again that feeling of wanting to send him to go and live with my Mum and sister (who are awful) because I can't cope. (Obviously I won't be). Or ask for him to be put up for adoption (I don't want this either).

Does anyone with a diagnosis get help with parenting and school business???

If you get help, what do you (or can you potentially) get help with?

Also, I realise that help isn't like a magic wand.

I'm feeling alot of shame for being the way I am. ANd also grief, as the comforting element of being "inadequate" meant that I would "improve". Now I feel like I'm in a prison

If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, which means that my son can get an education about me or (even better) I can support, then I will go and get a diagnosis. I have made an appointment with my GP for 6th January.

I really need your advice and support. I am going crazy and feeling so bad. I need the courage to do the right thing. I don't want my son growing up with a "crazy" mother if there isn't a positive to come out of it. I hope that there are women here, other parents, who can advise me or at least share the same experience so I know I'm not alone.

Please help.
soundofrain

I guess some of the main problems are:

1. I can't cope emotionally or mentally without having breakdowns or shutdowns regularly
2. I can't give him a "normal weekend" such as going out different places and doing stuff and being energetic and social
3. I can't help with relationships (as I realise my perception is wrong and I've been teaching him the wrong socail things and teenage I'm lost!)

It is having an effect on him. I beleive he has been bullied for longer because I haven't been able to tewach him social or spiritual survival skills.

I had an abusive realtionship, and although I need never be in a relationship again, I put him through stress and pain he shouldn't have experienced.

He should be out enjoying himself like he did with another family last weekend and he came home saying "that's how a weekend should be spent"

I get down and I feel he is growing up in a depressive atmosphere.

I can't teach him or support him in anything cool or fully support him in his hobbies.

I am skint as a result of ony being able to work part-time or not at all, so he isn't getting much of a life or going anywhere with me.

I am constantly having to tell him to leave me in peace when I am really tired and that can be any day for days on end.

These are all the reasons why I sent him to his nan and auntys. Unfortuneatley they just think the same as I did.. that I'm inadequate. Before I realised I am on the spectrum I was unaware (partially) of the differences I have from other people, so I was open about what support I needed. I didn't get that support and was told to stop being ridiculous and oversensitive. By and by, freinds do eventually say that you are "overreacting" when u have been moaning about something for a while. I find the struggle too hard. But it breaks my heart that even with a diagnosis I would still have the same problems. It's not guarnteed that my family will understand aand provide the support I asked for originally which I still need. They are very stongly opinionated.

I feel so much stress inside and confusion at times that I can't cope. This is why I feel guilty. If I wasn't this way there would be no problem. I'm the problem. I am afraid my family will get angry with me and tell me to shape up, get on with it, stop being so selfish. I'm afraid my son will hate me, especially if he's told these things about me. People have it worse than me. Why can't I cope? Things are too complex.. things I never mastered, I just survived at his age. I actually feel I would be very much releived if I didn't have to parent anymore. But I feel so guilty because I don't beleive that i can do any better or at least I don't know if it's possible that I can do any better (( I don't wnat my son to always have issues with his parent. I feel it's not fair. But then, if I got support with him and parenting, it might be different. But if people's attitudes suck and they basiclaly don't want to help or only do what they want to do then it would be useless continuing to parent with our without a diagnosis because I feel it's just going to get worse. And if he lives with his nan and aunty than it could be awful that way too. I'm so so so so so upset I can't describe it to you ((((

I can give up the guilt, tell parenting services that parenting is not working, and see if he can get fostered. I would be happier, he would be happier. He doesn't want me to be unhappy or stressed. He would prefer to live with me, but he's said that if it cam to it he would go to my mum;'s or be fostered.

Isn't happiness and opportunity the main point for my son?

The fact that I get so stressed and can't cope.. I don't think I can help that now. Maybe if I'd known I was on the spectrum sooner i could've sorted myslef out, but life is moving so fast, and I fear I'm only going to cope less and less. (I can feel it coming). So I could give up the guiilt and just deal with it.

I love my son so much. This breaks my heart. But I can see him happy with a foster family having great weekends out and enough socialising to stimulate his mind and spirit.

My mum is in her 70s so I doubt she would be asked to look after him. (we're in the United Kingdom, Anyone know?)
And my sis lives with my mum so it would be the same issue.

Aspies tend to be perfectionists.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Look at other parents' faults and failures, and then come back and reconsider yours.

You may see them in a different light.

I'll have something more constructive-- or at least detailed-- later.

Hello.

Thank you. It's interesting you say that. This evening I have been reading extracts from Appreciating Asperger Syndrome: Looking at the Upside- with 300 Positive Points, online on Amazon, and it did say that Aspies tend to be perfectionists. After getting really upset this evening, talking to my son, and doing some research.. I think I may have been on a "perfectionists" downer, sp to speak.

But then again.. those points I made above.. I really do beleive that he is living in a depressive, frustrating atmosphere sometimes. I found another book though: There's something different about Dad. I showed that one to my son. At the moment, my son is only slightly interested. He says he's waiting for me to get a diagnosis before he can really listen to anything I'm saying about myself. I think he is quite smart to do so.

I also believe I'm going to have to read about a million books on teenagers, etc.

I am so tired

Looking forward to your additional forthcoming post

I'm having the same stresses as you are, plus, I don't have anyone to take my kids. ever. I wish I had advice for you. I'm in a down phase today so don't have many words available that make sense. (due to recovering from the driving and store I had to do yesterday)

I feel sorry for you. I have a friend who has had my son twice in the last year, but I lost my other friend and my family, so that's it for babysitters. I know how stressful it is, believe me!

I had a breakdown again today. My son is so negative and resistant when it comes to chores. I understand that it's a normal childhood thing and it's just me. When he says no, or asks me questions he knows the answer to over and over, then is sarcastic, and on and on and on, well, the way I'm feeling right now it doesn't take much for me to have an emotional fit. It's just so hard for my brain to combat the resistance and negativity directed at me.

So today the thought popped into my mind once more. the thought to send him to his nan's. But she was the one who ruined my bringing up of him anyway. But I realise that many people just think I'm overracting, so maybe that is why they thought I wasn't well enough to look after him (I used to think so). I used to tell my Mum and sister to write things down, please be on time (because I have a schedule and I find it hard to complete it when changed), not to mess up the things i'd taught him by letting him behave like a baby.. I would tell them what an effort it was for me to teach him all over again. They never respected that. They probably didn't believe me. I can understand now why they didn't. If I didn;t know about asperger's then they surely didn't as it was never mentioned to me. But I'm still angry with them for not respecting me. I mean, I grew up with them, they know who I am. Maybe they were just angry with me and wanted me to "shape up" or something.

Now I only have one child, and it sounds like you have more than one.

I understand what it's like to burn out and have limited words, so no worries OK?

I'd like to know if you live in the UK too?

soundofrain