Why don't girls get diagnosed?

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I'm 52 and very tired. I only found out about Asperger's 2-3 years ago. Life is finally starting to make sense!

It also makes me mad. I put the list of Aspie traits an my Facebook page and four of my 5 sisters said it fit me to a T without me asking. My teachers should have noticed. Someone! Instead, I was constantly chastised for my confusion - punished because I was a girl who didn't know her "place." Most of my childhood friends were boys. When I did the things my friends did, I got punished because it was "unladylike." Then the boys got hormones and I became like an alien.

All my life, it was heavily impressed upon me that I'm defective because I don't have a penis hanging off my body. I was told that girls could do anything, just as soon as the dishes were done - giving boys the head-start. I tried to believe in equality, but it's a lie.

I just feel so gypped. Anyone else?

(Now, I feel a little selfish. I'm lucky. I live in the US and at least have some choices. No one made me marry an old man at 15 or mutilated my genitals. But, dammit, I live in the US. Someone should have noticed.)

AS wasn't known to the English speaking western world until the early 1980's, and it was not known in the US until it was entered into the DSM-IV in 1994. The vast majority of those diagnosed were born after 1990.

Women and girls tend to elude diagnosis in part because of biases. A male and female can act the exact same way, and be perceived entirely differently based on the observers own preconceived ideas and biases. It's theorized that another reason women and girls are under diagnosed is that girls don't act out as much so don't draw as much attention to themselves. Some have put forth the idea that girls with AS are also more likely to embed themselves in a group of friends and learn how to mimic them...a theory which leads me to wonder how they ever came by the group of friends in the first place, as I know that was entirely beyond me when I was younger. And then last, it's speculated that girls have different groups of interests. For example, a girl with AS may collect stuffed animals or thimbles as a special interest, or be overly interested in horses.

Thank you for talking me down, Chronos. Being that I was born in '59, my teachers were probably just as confused as I was. I guess I'm lucky that I was raised in a rich social environment. From what you're saying, it could have been a lot worse.

On another post, a member was arguing that the way we are is because of genetics and nothing could be altered with a social program. I guess I'm proof that that's not true. I was the 3rd of 9 children. As one of the older girls, but not the oldest, I was more the entertainment manager, but still a caregiver; I mostly kept them busy so my mother could do other things. I had to interact with the younger kids, but it was cool because we did what I chose and everyone had a good time.

We went to church, too, and Sunday School started in the nursery. With all the songs and activities, it was a happy, healthy, social environment. Everyone has to be nice. Hahahaha! They can be hypocrites when they go home to kick their dog but they had to be nice at church, which is what I mostly saw.

Still, they said the stuff, in a nice way, of course... but the Stuff about how I wasn't measuring up to some standard because I climbed a tree in a dress. Not that anyone saw anything (I was a skilled climber at an early age) but just the notion that a girl climbed a tree in a dress was too much to bear and people felt compelled to comment. So, I never did that again... and girls weren't allowed to wear pants in public until I was in Jr. High. Oppression.

I had a lot of friends because of Sunday School. In fact, I still chat regularly with quite a few of them on Facebook, even the ones I don't like. It's a kind of Christmas letter mentality but it's an entertaining human connection, and sometimes a place to stop for the night while driving through on vacation. In two cases, it's a vacation destination.

Sigh! It's so hard to let it go when I keep seeing studies that state, up front, that autism is more prevalent in boys so they only used boy subjects and now we all have to live by this friggin' study until someone says different... and probably STILL wrong. But I will have to learn to just deal with it.

Thanks again, Chronos, for giving me some rational food for thought.

Girls are less likely to exhibit behaviors that upset NTs. We're conditioned from birth to please others and conform-- society basically treats girls to quite a course of ABA-- so we're more likely to internalize others' rejection and blame ourselves than to retaliate or act out against it.

Instead of getting picked up early and drugged out of our little brains until we don't remember anything else, we learn that we are worthless and bad and slowly eat ourselves up inside. We're dying, but we're not getting in anyone's way while we do it. Much better, right???

I heard something on Oprah once. When something goes wrong, a woman will ask herself, "What did I do wrong?" A man will ask himself, "Who, besides me, messed me up?"

The conditioning happens to all girls. Aspies are probably the ones historically known for being cold, icy b*****s; shrews to be avoided. There's a million derogatory names, specifically for women who won't toe the line. Were they all Aspies, I wonder. The discrimination I live with on a daily basis has no base in logic. The deciding factor of who does the dishes rests solely on my genetic failure to produce a penis. Perhaps my Aspie-ness is responsible for how strongly I feel insulted.

I'm very grateful I wasn't drugged and I hadn't thought about ABA like that. Neither seems to be the best answer. I think a lot of advancement will be made the more Society becomes aware of Aspies.

Welcome to WP!

I'm 45 & was dianosed 3 yrs ago. My Psychiatrist only learned about Aspergers for women by listening to NPR & hearing about/from Temple Grandin. As he listened, the pieces fell into place for me (I was one of his very first patients years ago & no diagnosis ever really fit for me).

I know what you mean about that "alien" feeling (hence the whole "wrong planet" name fitting & all)

I'm having problems with my whole family of origin accepting my diagnosis (my entire life I've just been a pain in the rump to them & they refuse to accept that there's an explaination). Oh well, I really don't like them much, either!

WP is a great website...be as active (or not) as you like...we all (mostly) understand

edited to add: I also completly understand the "gypped feeling" (& then the "omg, am I selfish or WHAT" reply) don't be so hard on yourself...most NT's I know can be pretty selfish, too! But honestly, don't castigate yourself, would you do that if you lost your hair because of chemo if you were diagnosed w/some kind of Cancer? We "aspiegirls" need to be nicer to ourselves...this is something I'm only just beginning to learn; my whole life I've been "on the outs" with all the other women/girls socially....which helped to lower my self esteem etc & so on.

Last edited by MsMarginalized on 16 Dec 2011, 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can definitely relate... and I was born in 91. You'd think people would have been more aware of it by then. I definitely didn't act out - I hate conflict, to this day I can't deal with being yelled at (instant meltdown) so of course I learned to do what the people around me deemed acceptable. The difference with me (as opposed to most NT girls who would learn what's right and wrong) is that because I sometimes wasn't sure, I wouldn't do anything at all. So I came across as very shy and reserved and introverted and quiet and all of that, because I was afraid of doing something wrong. I think it's the Aspie guys who tend to do what they want (and I don't mean that in a bad way) or what they think is right, and then get chastised for it, whereas with me and presumably at least some other Aspie girls, I tried to do as little as possible in order to minimise my chances of offending or upsetting anyone.

I can definitely relate on blaming ourselves also. The problem is that there's some logic to that, and that makes it even harder for me to tell the difference between when I'm being sensible and taking responsibility for my actions, and when I'm just being paranoid. After all, I can't control what someone else does (unfortunately lol) but if I can identify something that I've done wrong, that means I can fix it and try not to do it again. This gets the best of me though. I do things wrong a lot so I think I've started to see myself as the wrongdoer in all situations. Especially in the past few months. I had a bad incident where there was a misunderstanding with someone who I thought was my friend, and since then I just seem to be doing everything wrong. It's really hard for me to tell whether I'm screwing up more of bad things are just happening more. This is another area where I envy NTs - I think they seem to be better at figuring out when something actually is their fault and when it isn't, even if they often pretend otherwise.

Well, I was diagnosed at the age of 5 in 1998, but that was just because my teachers were noticing certain behaviors such as putting things in my mouth that I wasn't supposed to when I was way past the age of doing that and not looking at them in the eyes. Basically, I "plateaued" was how they described it.

It is really hard to say though, it mostly depends on the person. I mean, I know this boy who didn't know that he had Asperger's until he was 15. I feel like I'm one of the rare cases. A girl diagnosed at a young age.

I feel your pain....

i was one of those tom boy, very shy, quiet and smart kids. Never caused any problems at school because I never said anything. As the proverb goes, its the squeaky wheel that gets the oil...

The sad thing is that neither of my parents picked up on it - they have issues of their own.

Other then not getting diagnosed with aspergers. Do you think you have a case of gender identity disorder?

Wow, slovaksiren, how did that work out for you? Do you think it helped knowing? Did it help that your Mom knew?

Kahlua, I was a tom boy, too. By best friend was also a tom boy so I would read a book and then we'd go on an adventure. We did American Indian rituals rode bikes all over, saved our money for horseback riding, we even built a house in my parent's backyard one Spring and lived in it all Summer. We were like homeless people. I always thought boys had better toys.

I don't think so. I know exactly what my gender is, but the world might be confused. I LIKE to hike. I LIKE to fish. I LIKE to work with wood. I think I'd like to learn to hunt. I like to play sports. I'm a politician. Those are old-time, traditional man things. I also like to bake, cook, sew clothing and quilts, do laundry (iron), teach, sing and play with children. As for sex, I definitely prefer men and I like it when they open the door for me.

I never played with Barbies or other dolls but I had the real thing, six baby brothers and sisters. I like the outdoors mostly because I lived in a madhouse and like I said, for my tastes, boys have better toys. I care about people and get the important things done. I don't whine or try to blame others. I pick up after myself. I don't burp or fart in public. I didn't run out on my kids when I got divorced. I took care of them. I'm pretty sure I'm a girl.

What's the disorder for women who don't like being treated like second-class citizens? or livestock, in some cases?

The deal with Asperger's is like the deal with heart attacks. They only studied men for decades while more women died of heart attacks after they were patted on the hand and sent home. Second class.

Yes, sometimes I feel gypped. Nevermind that Asperger's wasn't known when I was a child. Even ADHD was a boy's problem, not girl's. Sexism was at least as much a problem as the undiagnosed Aspergers. Yes, I was a tomboy too. I am definitely a woman. Why in the world would I want to give up multiple orgasms for a morbid fear of zippers?

I was diagnosed when I was 16. I wish I knew earlier but I don't think I would have been able to handle it earlier than that. *shrug* I had very little friends until I got to college. Made friends with the Renaissance club and anime club people, people who were just as quirky (if not more so) than I so I fit in just fine.

Feminism

I wasn't diagnosed until 2 days ago. I will be 27 on Wednesday. It makes me mad that my mother didn't help me when I was younger. She knew something was different about me and rather than get me help she punished me when I showed aspie traits. I'm glad to know it wasn't put into the DSM until the 90's. That makes me feel a bit better.

I was diagnosed in the mid-80's with PDD-with classic autistic traits when I was 8 years old. The only thing that disqualified me from the classic autism diagnosis was the fact that imaginitive play was my special interest for most of my my childhood. btw...I am female.

More severely affected ppl are diagnosed earlier even if we're female.
Until I was 4-5 I used to bang my head on the floor when I get mad. I always had self injurous behavior since I was a baby to present (occurs usually during a full-fledged meltdown)
I never really understood much of what others said until I was in jr high...then after being put in a hearing impaired class, I am deaf...but can hear with hearing aids, after the sign language, I began to understand what ppl said. An examiner said I had the mentality of someone who just woke up from a long term coma. Of course, the years after that was social hell and I spend much of my time wishing I could go back into my bubble.
I did end up going to college and made the deans list often. As I got older, I act more AS than classic autistic, but I still not as smart as most of the AS ppl here. I am not stupid, but my brain has a bad filing system and information retrieval can be hard for me.

As for the social part...I feel your pain. I was always a tomboy as a kid. I did have playmates as a kid...even though I didnt understand them much...I would play with my guyfriends and I would always pretend to be some animal. I was totally consumed by my specail interest in animals and would often go chasing ppl on all fours barking at them or biting their pantlegs.
But when I got into jr. high, I moved across country and into Jr. high hell. Guys didn't really want to play with me and I was too weird for a girlfriend.
As I understood the game better as I got older...I cleaned up my apperance and always had a boyfriend. I didnt really want the sexual interaction...I just wanted a friend. So I learned that if I was pretty and give them what they wanted...I get to have guy friends again.
This all went along until an abusive relationship in my late teens and early 20's that turned me into a feminist. Ppl think I am cold when I say he improved my taste in men. I dont mean it in a harsh way, but it is true. After my relationship with him...I went on a journey to discover and accept myself as I am. 1 of the things I learned about me is that I am really assexual and that most physical touch bothers me.

The other side of the story is since I was diagnosed so young and spent a good portion of my time in therapies and doctors was that I could not understand what was wrong with me....but I knew something was very wrong with me if my parrents spent all this time trying to fix me. My self esteem and self concept suffered tremendously. I was in my late 20's before I discovered Temple Grandin and Donna Willams and was able to accept myself as I am.

With ASD's your life will have difficulties that others dont have whether you are diagnosed or not. My parrents had a case of the curebies to the point it really affected my self esteem. However, I probably would not be a high functioning now if it werent for all that therapy like them teaching me English as a second language because I could not congergate verbs and my vocab was really poor. I did get the help I needed...and some help I didn't need like spinal taps and such....but the social problems with peers, family and teachers still persisted.
I grew up in a rather dysfunctional family and as a result all the awareness my family had didnt improve our relationships.

btw...I love what you said about women can do anything...after dishes are done. So true and rather profound insight into women's lib today.

Anyway...sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to share my story which is the oppisite as yours yet we still end up at the same place, Misunderstood and repairing our self esteem. on WP.

Jojo

I just turned 48 and have not been diagnosed. I do have 2 sons with it (26 & 18). I dated a man who had Aspergers and I bought books to understand adult Aspergers. After I broke up with him, I started to see similarities in myself. Once I put 2 and 2 together, my life began to make some sense.

I grew up a tomboy with not many friends. I've been beaten up, raped, and have lead a very lonely life. I did get married early, but to an abusive man. When that marriage ended, I was alone for about 3 years then met someone else who was even more abusive than the first husband. Going through a divorce now, but he's being difficult.

Over the past 3 years, I have been able to fake most of my life, and finally have friends who are understanding and patient with me. It feels good to have supportive people in my life, but I still feel very lonely most times.

I can relate to so many of you on here and am so happy I found this site. Wish I knew more people on here, but I'm shy in contacting people. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I do reply back.

I don't know what good a diagnosis would do. I've heard it is expensive, and I don't have the money.