I'm ugly and I'm OK with it

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Society probably considers me to be ugly. I don't dress in a stylish manner, I don't wear make-up, I make a point to hide my breasts as much as possible, and I don't shave off any of my body hair. But I don't care, because being comfortable is more important to me than appearing sexually desirable, which doesn't interest me anyway. When my mom or my therapist hear me referring to myself as ugly, they get disturbed, but that's just how it is. Being beautiful is an exclusive category; if some people are pretty, other have to be ugly in comparison. Personally, I'd rather be smart than pretty. Does anyone else relate to this?

hi, CM, and welcome,

your profile says you are male. seems like a typo.

i'd rather be compassionate than smart or pretty. turns out i'm lucky to be very compassionate, very smart, and my husband can stand to look at me.

perhaps you are not ugly, just not fashionable. there is something lovely about being natural, which it sounds like you are.

I'm ugly too, but I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. No one has ever called me pretty besides female friends and family members who are trying to be sympathetic towards me. No matter how many pictures I take of myself with different expressions, outfits and lighting, I still look ugly. I feel like I have somehow "failed" as a woman, or that I'm not worth anything as a woman because I'm not pretty.

I think there is so much more to a person than how they look, I think its a great pity when peoples value is degraded and brought down to only valuing their physical beauty.

For myself Ive always felt bad about being ugly and bad about being stupid and bad about having an unlikeable personality. However as Ive got older Ive let go minding so much about being ugly, gaining degrees helped me to feel a bit cleverer and now Im quite isolated I dont worry so much about being un likeable.

Some people follow a road where they have friends and family, work and fun, and feel good about how they look or who they are, others like me have a different path where they are less accepted but that road and existence is no less valuable in its own way.

Also being good looking did not serve Heath Ledger or Marilyn Monroe (or any of the many other unhappy beautiful people), when I look at people with great contentment (such as Thich Nhat Hanh a buddhist teacher) they are not classically beautiful but shine with an inner happiness and be wonderful people with wisdom and compassion, which suggests its better to nurture and increase ones wisdom and compassion rather than ones looks.

Your post looks like you've given up on yourself and try to cope with it in some positive way. If you said you feel beautiful the way you are, that would be just fine. On one hand you say you're happy, but on the other you say you "failed" as a woman.

I kinda can relate to this b/c I've been through this at a young age myself. I never really cared about looks. Over the years, I managed to find my own feminine style that looks nice and suits me. I'm not a model type either, but I am able to highlight my features. Every woman has those features. Coco Chanel said once: "There are no ugly women, only lazy ones". That one applied to me in the past.

People can be so superficial-I know-people that know me online think I am wonderful but when I go out to meet people they turn away for some reason(I must be hideous) and never get past my looks to find out what people online know-we all judge a book by its cover by default-you do not but a book without looking at the title first-so by default you judge a book by its cover-and people are all into appearance and not substance-then I see some couples that I have no idea how they got together and wonder what am I doing wrong.

I only read the first post.

People take issue with the word ugly. They think you dislike your looks.

If you just said you are "plain" or "average" that would be accepted more. Those are neutral.

But parents and therapists are supposed to encourage a positive image and not only neutral. People can't help arguing the point.

I agree with you and don't like to look attractive most of the time. (I'm ok with dressing up a little if I had a date.)

I prefer to look more neutral, and be more like a boy. It's more accepted for a boy to not put anything in his hair, and not even comb his hair for example. Also I don't like males looking at me more than they already do, so I often hide my breasts.

I think I have minor psychological issues about why I do this, but people should leave me alone. Especially because I don't have the energy to put into appearance (because of physical disability).

I live in a suburb of Las Vegas. We have men who make themselves as very beautiful women. I once dated for a while a relatively plain woman who could present herself in an astonshing manner. She was the ONLY woman I ever dated that caused a stranger to come up to us and tell me how beautiful she was. It was mostly presentation.

I have seen only a few really ugly people in my life, and one was a burn victim. I remember running into an old X, not recognizing her, then when I did, my first reaction was "I was in love with her?". Going fron who is this, to seeing how really plain she was happened in less than 1/2 a second, so I doubt it was any kind of sour grapes thing.

There are all sorts of things that go into making a woman attractive to a man. Different types of men find different types of women attractive. I think that it is safe to say that if you are down on yourself, that if any mann finds you attractive, it will probably not be the kind that you would like to be around, As in, you do not want to be a member of a club that would have you as a member.

Clearly a lot of men for whom looks are really important will probably not find you attractive. So what? Can you hold a conversation? Are you good at some things? Can you get really good at something? As an example of beauty being subjective, I have always thought that Meryll Streep was passably plain, and never saw what all the fuss was about.

I think that you have some choices to make. Deciding that no one will ever love you, or that only the unworthy will like you means that you will not fail. Putting in some effort to make yourself attractive means that you will probably fail, and get hurt before you acheive success. That is what life is like for most people. Before I was able to ski down black diamond slopes, I skied into a tree, and had other injuries.

When success comes without much or any pain, then you either die young, or when pain does come, it comes in a really big dose, unless you are incredibly lucky.

OP, I relate to your sentiments exactly.
This is my first post on WrongPlanet. I'm not sure whether I'm an aspie, but feeling affinities like this make me hope that I am; I can never get my parents or my best friend to have a real conversation with me about this. I'm ugly too, and it's something I'm finally coming to terms with. I think about this a fair amount. Here's my take:
In heterosexual relationships, how the woman looks matters tremendously because men are quite visual sexually. (Men can look however as long as they have winning personalities because women look for humor, dependability or excitement, compassion, etc. in partners). Men have higher sex drives, which makes how women look even more important because a big part of their value to men has to do with sex, so women really kind of need to be visually appealing in order to contribute to a relationship.
But the thing is, a woman's worth is so not about her value to a man. I am worth whatever I'm worth regardless of whether men want to sleep with/love me. Just not relevant. Sure, it'd be nice to be in a relationship: it would make life better, it'd be good for my social and emotional development, I'd be able to relate to movies and books and songs and conversations about romantic/sexual relationships. But I don't derive my self-worth from my (in)ability to be in a relationship.
And as to what strangers might think of my looks... that's considerably less important than what men whom I like think. Strangers probably don't even care! And I don't care that they don't care! One big apathy party!
Seriously. But yeah, I can relate.
Oh, and one addendum: it will always bother me that acquiantances whom I like derive displeasure from looking at me. Professors, for instance (I'm a college student).

Nature plays one game. Reproduce. If you look at females, every single marker of "beauty" is a marker of fertility first, then infantilism (not a threat). Broad hips, big red lips, big eyes, big hair/head (these tow make a woman look child like) clear skin, symmetry, boobs etc. Men are looking for fertile non threatening mates. Or at least our reptilian brains are. Now, as I said, I have seen few ugly women. I really recall only two and one was a burn victim. So, how exactly do you know that you are physically unattractie? How sure are you that it is not a matter of presentation? How sure are you that it is not just some manifestation of low self esteem?

Even the fact that many or most men do not find you attractive, how sure are you that all men would find you unattractive? (. But I don't derive my self-worth from my (in)ability to be in a relationship.)
Even if you are correct that acquaintances derive displeasure from looking at you, how certain are you that this is a situation that could not be fixed with some effort?

Is it possible to find a neutral observer whose opinion you could trust. Some possible suggestions here are some minister from a liberal denonination with training in personal interactions who you might see only once or twice, and who is not likely to be really dishonest.

I actually agree that almost all women are/can be quite attractive.
This moves away from the original topic, but in response to the above post:
My problem is that make-up helps some, as with anyone, but not enough. I look bad because my nose is very unusually large, my eyes and eyebrows are asymmetrical (my mom said I was crazy when I asserted that, and I don't notice it so much when looking in the mirror as in photographs), and my mouth is small. These aren't defects that 'presentation' can fix. My mom has said that if I graduate magna cum laude or summa cum laude she'll loan me the money for a nose job (which is weirdly hilarious ); I've wanted one for years. It would help, but I wouldn't suddenly be beautiful. Also the idea of surgery makes me nervous so I haven't decided definitively.

ETA: It occurs to me this post could be misinterpreted as a contradiction to what I said about looks not mattering much as regards a woman's worth, but I hope it won't be. I am who I am notwithstanding my face, and I can still do a lot and be worth a lot. But if I looked better, there'd be a whole new dimension to my life (romantic/sexual), and that dimension comes highly recommended . I can barely imagine the social confusion of dating, but at least if I looked all right I'd have a good starting point.
Also, I've re-read the original post and realize now that I'm making a distinct point. The OP was talking about nonconformity, whereas I'm talking about how just being physically ugly and how that does/doesn't matter.