Balance in friendships

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I am trying to find the balance between what is expected in friendships and what I am actually able to do without it impacting negatively on my well being, the last of my friendships that I had maintained since Uni ended a year ago, and while I still have acquaintances I do not have any close friends.

With friendships in the past I just done what was expected, but it caused me tremendous anxiety to remember all the things I was supposed to do, and if I forgot to fulfill a friendship related task, it overwhelmed me to try figure out the steps I needed to take, to make everything ok again.

I like people generally, and I do enjoy a certain amount of company, I don't need a lot of it though; but I think I am ready to start being friendly towards women in real life again.

In order to have a friendship, even on an occasional basis, the full expectations of social tasks are required.
For example: remembering special dates, being in contact regularly, being friends with their friends, being a part of the relevant social media, attending events that are outside my comfort zone etc.

How do others with social difficulties maintain a healthy (well being) balance in their friendships?

One of the best ways of maintaining an even-keeled friendship is to not constantly badger your friend for money.

Also: don't always expect your friend to agree with you in all ways. That's the problem in many friendships: friends are expected, at times, to agree with EVERYTHING the friend says or does. I've run into that all too often.

And don't adopt a "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" philosophy all the time. There might be times when you need to pull most of the burden at any given moments. At other moments, your friend might need to pull the majority of the burden.

Knowing this, do make sure you are not being taken advantage of , and expected to pull the majority of the burden ALL OR MOST OF THE TIME. This creates a real imbalance, and could invite lots of trouble.

I still don't get the "friendship rules" at all. I think friendly acquaintance is the best I can manage. It doesn't seem too uncommon for others in similar situations.

I wonder if you could find low maintenance friends? I'm guessing not everyone has the same criteria in friendship expectations.

For a long time, my ex husband was my best friend,( ok not so much in the later years of the marriage) and I had just enough energy for two other real friendships, which were established before I met him.
I am noticing that a few posters in this section refer to their SO as 'enough', and I could say that I found this to be true too, but a lot of literature notes that it is healthier to have even a small circle.

Now though, I am wiped out, I barely have enough energy for work. I can't imagine how I would have energy for all the expectations that accompany friendship.
I suppose young mums might be low maintenance because they are so busy, I could join another club and meet people in a semi structured environment.

Still though I don't know how friendship and abilities are meant to be balanced. I was a good friend when I was in good health because I met the expectations. But when my health deteriorated, I had other priorities for my available headspace, and remembering to return a message/stay in touch or to post a card before the birthday were not high up on my list.
People don't want to be friends with someone who is unreliable like that, and I guess I don't want to go through losing a meaningful friendship again, perhaps friendly acquaintances are a realistic option, it's possible I'm asking a question that doesn't have an answer.

I have come to learn just recently that friendships should not have any rules. Friendships should be about enjoying the company of someone you like being around and who makes you happy. You probably feel pressured to remember special dates, act a certain way and any other issues, but you really should not. A true friend would not care if you forget something, unless it is very important.

And I have recently learned that it's not just people on the spectrum who have trouble with dealing with "tasks of friendship" (what a great way to put it!). I spoke to my best friend a couple of weeks ago, who asked me if I, like her, feel awful in the following circumstances:

Say I'm going to the city to do some much-needed shopping. But as the shopping will take my whole energy and concentration, I avoid telling my friends in the city that I'm going, so that I don't have to meet up with them to socialize. And then I spend the whole day in the city being scared of running into one of my friends, who will then surely be angry that I didn't tell them I was going to the city.

My best friend is NT (though a little introverted), so yes, they have these issues too! And not only that, she told me that another friend of ours feels like this, too!

Now, I don't have that many friends, and I'm crap at keeping up with the ones I have, I just sort of hide behind the fact that I have two young children and therefore am "off the socializing arena" until they are older. So I can't really give good advice on how to balance things, I just thought I'd tell the above story. It sure took a little weight off my own shoulders.

All friendships are temporary, they end due to circumstances....location change, life changes, ...etc.
Friendship with the opposite sex often fades once one of them gets married.

Yeah they are temporary, the only friendships that will apparently be a more permanent feature are with family, I have a sister, but we are like chalk and cheese, with almost nothing in common. I often wondered if one of us was adopted or something, maybe some day when we both have mellowed it might be different.

My main issue is with remembering all these little things, and even with reminders and calender's and To-do lists, I have without fail forgotten something significant, and then sometimes I have done the worst thing possible... I avoided the friend because I just didn't know how to fix it, again. 'I forgot' wears thin quickly even with the most patient of people.