Pregnancy and Social Etiquette

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Hi Everyone,

Today one of my coworkers (fellow PhD student) announced the happy news that she's pregnant (due in May). It's her first, and like everyone else I'm very pleased for her. Having never had kids myself (and being none to keen on the idea) I don't really know much about the whys and wherefores of pregnancy beyond the biological processes involved (embryogenesis etc). I was wondering:

*What will it feel like for her physically and emotionally? (Maybe this is too intimate to ask, please don't take offense, I'm just curious.)
*Will her behaviour change significantly?
*What social conventions in English culture are likely to apply in my interactions with her (i.e. should I get her a "congratulations" card or something)?
*Are there any topics of conversation or interactions that would usually be considered normal that I should now avoid? (obviously I'm not start cracking "dead baby" jokes)

Maybe I'm over reacting to the situation, but it's new to me and I don't want to cause embarrasment or offense to her or anyone else.

Thanks a lot,

r_mc

I'm not sure how to advise you, as the pregnent women I've known in the past have been the 'lead the conversation' types, so all I really had to do was nod and listen. (They mostly enthused, and sometimes complained.)

I just wanted to say, though, that the style your post reminds me of Data from Star Trek. (and I mean that in a good way - he's one of my favourite characters. ) And to say that it's sweet of you to take the time to look into this.

Edit: something that might be helpful: tell her to not over-work herself, and to stay hydrated and to get plenty of rest. Also, while you can congratulate her, don't get her a card just yet, as at three months she has a higher chance of miscarrying than she will at a later date, and if that happens she probably won't want any cards as a reminder. Getting her a card when the baby arrives is a nice idea, though.

They make cards just for this occasion...but most people give them at a baby shower. If she is not planing to have a baby shower, and you want to you could get her a card or a small baby gift before her baby arrives...these are usually very appreciated.

I have lots of experience with pregnant women from my church...we have lots of younger women around family age...and "baby season" just ended...so what I will tell you is...don't just assume you can put your hand on her tummy because she has said the baby is kicking and you've seen someone else do it. (Think about it. Would *you* like everyone feeling your stomach every time you felt a baby kick inside of you?) And yes, her moods will change. Are you familiar with women on PMS? The moodiness...cravings...Picture that...now picture it growing in intensity for 9 months. Be careful about comments you may make. Like "Ph, your starting to show!" and "Wow, you're getting big!"...in a womans mind those can be heard as "You look fat."...especially a moody, hormonal woman. Try to say something nice, like "You're looking great!" "You look beautiful!" (Remember, all pregnant women are beautiful )
And remember...if it's her first child, she may even be a bit scared. One of my friends recently went through her first pregnancies and every time I talked to her I could tell she was terrified...especially approaching the labour. Also, pregnant womens bodies will become achey, they'll get headaches...(Sometimes migraines) and the only medication they are allowed to take is Tylenol...Than and...they need to give up caffeine. So be nice to them

I've had 3 babies myself. Pregnancy is all highs and lows, I think. You feel GREAT sometimes and then others you cry at the drop of a hat and feel all achy. Especially the beginning and end of the pregnancy. THe middle part, you usually feel great most of the time. She may have been grumpy for the last few weeks or so, because of "morning" sickness. I put the morning in quotes b/c for me, I felt like I had the stomach flu for 6 weeks straight, day and night.

A verbal congratulations is all that's needed these days, but when she's due, a small gift and card is appropriate, but not necessary, although it's fine to wait until after the baby is born if you'd like to buy an outfit or something that suits the gender of the baby.

Unlike the pp, I think it's appropriate to comment when she's "showing." Most first time moms think they look fat UNLESS someone tells them they're starting to really look pregnant. To make them feel better about it, you could say something like, wow, you're showing! The baby must be growing! Can you feel it kicking? You look great.

Otherwise, just talk to her about normal things. Nothing you need to talk about more or less. She's still the same person.

Umm... that wasn't intentional! Though he was one of my favourite characters too. I've not watched TNG for years though, but in my early teens I was a bit of an addict.



Thanks Louise, I'll try not to be bossy, though. I've noticed that two of the other women in my office, who are usually quite baby obsessed, haven't really said much to her about it. Maybe its because of the miscarriage risk. She seems quite happy, though, so I think everything's going well.



I've never really heard of "baby showers", I think these are an American thing. I'll see if I can get her a card when she's due, and a small gift if I can find something appropriate.



No I certainly wouldn't. She isn't really "showing" yet, and to be honest, it wouldn't really occur to me to try to touch her if she was. I don't think I'd really want to feel something moving about inside of someone. I remember when I was in my second year of primary school (about 6yrs old), my class teacher got pregnant. On the last day of school that year she invited all the kids in the class to feel the baby kicking. Everyone except me rushed over to do so, I backed off horrified. I hadn't noticed her growing, and she must have been reasonably near full term! I didn't notice when my mum was pregnant with my brother, either (I was 3 at the time).



I am very familiar with PMS, thankfully not from personal experience, but I did have a flatmate once who got it bad. I'll tread carefully. I've noticed that her skin's looking very clear and glossy and she's looking very healthy (don't know if it's anything to do with pregnancy), so if the topic comes up I'll mention it to her.



I will! I'm not great at knowing what to say to people, but I'll be nice to her. Thanks for your advice, it's much appreciated!



I've not noticed her being grumpy, but she has been coming in a little later than usual.



Like I said to Louise, I'm going to get her a little something towards the end.



Umm, I'll bear this in ming. As I've mentioned, there are a couple of others in my office who are quite baby-orientated, so I'll take my cues from them as to when to mention it. there are a few older women in my department, too, so I'll try to just watch, wait and see.



I'll bear this in mind. Thanks for putting my mind to rest.

Happy Christmas (or Yule, Hannuka, Solstice etc) and have a great New Year!