Asexuality or just destined to be alone

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Well i am 33 and a female, since i am posting in the womens only section. My question is related to sexuality.

Being a mom is my biggest focus of life. As a teenager i believed that i would find the "mr right" and marry him and be a mom finally. I always had a back-up of adoption or Artificial insemination since i was 16 but i believed stories and media, that it will happen. Then in my mid 20ies my mom said, if you want to have a baby, you need to marry. So i said yes and she tried to find a match it did not work. She would constantly ask me what kind of guy did i like. I would tell her "i dont know", she would not understand and would think i am being picky.

Years later i realised i have never looked at a guy like other girls do, so i started to look at guys consciously. Last year when i heard a colleague of mine explaining recognizing arousal and attraction, i got my first hint to what may be happening. Then while reading mangas, i further got a sense of there is something people feel when they like someone. Parallel to that, i liked someones voice, which i mentioned to my family. My mom and sister in law were very happy and told me i should go up and do something. But i could not understand what they expected me to do. When putting all together i started to question my own sexuality.

When i was younger, my brother asked me if i was a lesbian as i did not seem to be attracted to anyone. I told him no, as i generally imagined hetrosexual couples when i am doing it myself. I never really thought about sex with a person, now i am curious about its use in relationship. But dont ever feel any attraction towards a person. So i dont really get how i am supposed to just "find some one" as everybody tells me.

I am also still trying to figure out what is fun about being with people. I do spend time with people, but it is more task oriented than socializing. The thought that i will be alone and have no one to turn to all my life scares me.

I used to see a therapist, i have spoken to my family, but everybody tells me it will just happen. I dont understand that. I am 33 and if i have never been attracted to anyone how is it supposed to happen. They keep on blaming me for my single status saying that i dont try hard enough or i have PTSD so i am avoiding relationships. I dont know how to make them understand i am not making it up for me, i am just not attracted to anyone. In parallel, I want to have a companion as i grow older, but i am at my wits end trying to figure out what to do.

When I was in my teens and twenties I had a severe problem reading people's faces and their emotions. I would ask my guy friends and they would tell me that there were girls interested in me, but I never caught on to the clues. I remember clearly doing an exercise in a communication class in Uni where we sat across from someone of the opposite sex while they modeled different emotions. I didn't get any of the flirtatious looks at all.
Perhaps this is part of your problem, you're missing out on the clues that guys are giving you.
Also your posting reminded me a lot of how Temple Grandin described her lack of feelings for men.

Are you able to fantasize about the opposite sex? Douget physically aroused thinking about it?

To Prof_Pretorius:

Temple Grandin is the one person whose world seems to make most sense to me. I thought her idea of a hugging machine was the most beautiful thing.

I do realise that i might be missing flirting. But i am not really sure what to do about that. I am 33 and although i am told i dont look my age, i am not sure how things work at all. Most people expect some sort of experience by then and i am someone who has never even been interested in anyone forget about doing the other stuff. So my problem currently lies with the fact that i dont know, if my lack of attraction is due to my never being attached to anyone or just me being asexual.

Question: Were you able to figure out the flirting? Also did you also feel attracted to them or were you just a passive responder?

To Vomelche:

I can only get aroused if i see a smutty video or picture. If by fantasizing about other person means, imagining doing it with them? No i cant do that. I cant imagine people or anything about them. To be honest i dont even notice stuff like that. The only thing that catches my attention is voice nothing more. But it does not arouse me nor can i play it back in my head.

idk, if you have the interest to find someone and can get excited if need to, i dont think you are asexual. Maybe just not motivated enough. Maybe spending too much time on special interests instead of thinking about opposite sex. I find that I can fully distract myself from opposite sex if I focus on a special interest, but I balance my time on both :/.

I get what you say. Interest is a funny word. I am just not connecting with anybody even in a normal friendship sense. It is not as if i did earlier, it is just that i realise now as i am working on this "i dont want to be alone" thing.

a relationship is like a bigger friendship i think.

Last edited by Vomelche on 12 Jun 2012, 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That was my theory too. Then i saw so many posts and experiences of people on the spectrum who are in relationships that i started to wonder again. Well, either ways i dont think it matters much. I will have to work on the "being interested in people bit". I really think by the time i figure out all of this i am going to be ancient and in my 80ies or 90ies. I am already 33 and i still dont enjoy being with people. I get tired of them and just want to be by myself. Well cant help it. I can t seem to be able to push myself any faster than i am going now.

Thanks for helping me.

Siddhi

Ok good luck with it.

I was reediting my previous post a few times to turn off some "Mr. Fix it" comments.