A question regarding feelings...

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I don't know if anyone will actually answer this, or if this is the right place to post it, but I was wondering if any other females could enlighten me...

I find it a bit confusing with regards to exactly how much people with AS feel and how much emotion they portray, as I've never really met any adults Aspies.

If you had felt alone all your life for example, and then came onto this site and found someone who said that they felt exactly the same way, would you smile/feel happy, or would it not affect you?

If anyone wants to share more about what they feel/don't feel things, please don't hesitate to post! .

This a good question. I have also been wondering the same. What is also confusing is the info regarding and apparent lack of empathy/sympathy from those with with AS.

For my part I can say that I know empathy and sympathy to an extent that I believe goes beyond the average person NT or AS. I am hyper sensative. I care, feel, and love to an intense degree- Since I know no other adult aspies either I can only gauge my sensativity to that of the NTs that have been in my life. It is strictly my opinion and my belief that I can connect to those deeper and more intense feelings much more than they can. I will however hide that part of myself from the world so it could not be known of me but by only a select couple of people who I allow close enough to know me best. They also share that believe about me.

I don't know if this helps to answer your query or not and for the record I am male. But this subject also interests me.

I'm also hyper-sensitive. All my feelings are really intense. I just don't know how to cope with them. All negative feelings I feel as the same as a panic attack.

Thank you both for replying!

It's interesting to know that there are hyper-sensitive Aspies out there, which is the opposite to what you generally read (weel from what I've read anyway).

Me personally, I lack empathy in areas such as:
+ Watching a TV programme, and someone dies etc, has absolutely no positive effect on me at all... Sometimes when I'm in a 'funny' mood, I kind of like seeing people get hurt/in pain (please don't just me based on that sentence). I wouldn't actually hurt someone, but films like "The Human Centipede" or "SAW" really appeal to me when I'm in that mood. If I'm not in that mood, I just don't feel anything at all towards them.

+ When I hear that M's parents tell me that one of their relations has got Cancer, I don't feel sympathy or anything, it just makes me curious what type of cancer, how progressed it is and how much longer they've got etc. This results in me asking these questions and I get told that I can't ask them as it's too rude *sighs*.

+ BUT, when Mark is upset, I get upset, because I really care about him. He really means a lot to me, and I think this is why we have such a good relationship. We're really close; we lived in different houses but as soon as we got home from school, we'd talk online until we went to bed - neither of us went out, we just spoke constantly. When one of us had to go out, we'd text. We've been close since this beginning. (Tbh, this much communication went on before we were going out). Now, I live with him and his family, which I like because obviously he understands all of my AS and I can talk to him about ANYTHING, seriously anything, but his family don't. They try but they don't know about AS and I often get told that I can ask those things, and have been called selfish by them :S.

+ When it's near the time for menstruation, I get overly sensitive - anything makes me cry, but not in front of people of course (except M); M is the exception to most rules.

I don't know if anyone else is like this, probably not as it seems quite mean, but I can't help the way that I think/feel .

Okay. here is how I see it:
A TV program, a plane crash in the news, an epic natural disaster such as an earthquake, hurrricane, war, a drive by shooting etc. all these distant things that claim the lives of human beings will not affect me emotionally either. I believe that it will not emotionally impact most people who would be considered closest to normal. After all there is only so much emotional capacity to go around. On occasion, I have been known to be touched by a sad movie if I imagine myself or a loved one in a sad circumstance. I would think that to be a "normal" condition. However, a movie such as "SAW" or "Human Centipede" are complete works of fiction and for myself I cannot bring myself to see them otherwise. Pure entertainment.

Learning that a friend of a friend or or some distant acquaintence etc. turns up sick is probably similar in that it will not emotionally impact most people. But when it is someone you care about and that you are really close to then it is devastating. My thoughts are that this way of feeling is actually closer to normal than you may think. When I think of it, I realize that it may be particularly devestating for an Aspie to loose a loved one as they have fewer than normal relations in the world. In some cases, those loved ones are the world to an AS person. I know it would be this way for me.

Thank you for replying!

Interesting. See, I've found that when people hear of a natural disaster/plane crash etc, you always hear NT's say "Oh, I really feel for their family" etc, but I don't. I don't feel anything, and this is why I am confused as to what people feel. Likewise, I know that when someone distant tells them that a relation is ill etc, they always say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you're okay. How are you coping?" Those phrases don't come to mind when I hear things like that, all I think of is "What type of illness do they have? How long have they got? How serious is it? etc"

Indeed, I only have 2 main people that I care about; M and my Gran. If someone that I knew died, I probably wouldn't feel anything to be honest, however if one of those 2 people died, I'd be absolutely devastated. Even if M's brother died, I don't think I'd feel much tbh. I didn't think that this is normal?

I am another one who is hyper sensitive in terms of empathy and emotions - however I also have alexithymia.

My empathy is shut off as a rule, it's necessary to do so I can function properly. Not knowing what my emotions are or being able to identify or process them means that, it's basically like having my emotions shut off too.

However, if something is overwhelming or strong enough (in terms of empathy or emotions) to break through that wall that keeps them shut off - then that's when I feel everything hyper intensely. I usually don't even realise that's it's happened until I'm punching an object or crying. That's when I have to ask myself "Why am I crying?" and about 3 hours later after it's happened, I'll figure out the answer. Talk about delayed processing abilities.

When it comes to documentaries (like when they showed wikileaks footage of soldiers shooting people for sport), that's guaranteed to make me cry the entire time I'm watching it - and on top of that I will be a complete mess for the rest of the night and the next day.

I can generally hold it together if someone dies it usually doesn't register much, however it someone really close to me dies, it is absolutely devestating - I become a living zombie for months and sometimes years afterwards - it's a very slow recovery process.

I think it would be appropriate and closer to normal for you to feel badly for M in that case. Not to feel anything necessarily for the brother with whom you may not have an emotional investment seems reasonable. But if you could feel badly for M at a time when he would be suffering seems normal.

The fact that you are even searching for these answers says something about yourself. You care that you may not care and are willing to be honest about it. That actually puts you in a league above and is refreshing in a world of people who would not even give it a second thought and simply wouldn't care at all.

I see your point and know that you use this as an example.

For me I could learn of bombs dropping in Afghanistan or Iraq and hear reports of human casualties and feel absolutley nothing. This does not come from a sense of national patriotism either. But when I learned of the zoo animals trapped and stressing out from the bombing over there I felt a wave of sadness and regret right thru my heart for those creatures. I am not the consummate animal rights person either I just happen to like animals as much as the next person. It has something to do with their innocence. Their inability to stratagize or plot against you. The fact that animals don't otherwise intentionally make life miserable for people the way people do.

That is just me though...

I will reply in detail to each reply, however I just want to ask this question first - what exactly does it mean when people say that Aspie's struggle with empathy then, if it's normal not to feel anything for people you're not close to? (I've always found that NT's seem to feel a lot more than me, even to people that they're not close to, yet people are now telling me that it's normal not to :S).

Okay :S. I am feeling rather confused right now. For example, when my mum had an operation and was ill, I was told that I had to go straight to the hospital and visit her, but I said that I didn't want to as I needed to do my homework. I didn't have any interest in her going to hospital - I just wanted to do my work. (Like I said, only M and my Gran do I have feelings for). I was told off by several family members for this, saying that it was insensitive and that family is more important than school work.

Likewise, if M's brother had to go into hospital, I wouldn't want to visit him - I don't see the point, it would be a waste of my time. So this is normal? :S.

I don't necessarily "'feel' bad for M at a time when he would be suffering", however I would want him to be happy, and not like seeing him unhappy, if that makes any sense?

You're right, I don't like not feeling things/caring. Like when the London bombings happened, I was annoyed because I was supposed to be going to see a film (I was in Year 9) in my local Town Centre during the day (as School had a Gas Leak), but I couldn't because they closed it due to bomb scares. All that I was annoyed about was the fact that I couldn't see my film - the fact that loads of people died didn't affect me. However, the fact that I don't care/don't feel anything for most things DOES affect me. It makes me feel inhuman, but it's not something that you can change... You can learn lots of things like recognising facial expressions by constantly watching people and having people teach you, but how can you make yourself feel something?

I most definately do care that I don't care, but unfortunately there's nothing that I can do. I just wanted to know if anyone else feels the same way, as to help me feel less inhuman.

Well from what you have described you are simply hardwired in that particular way. I can certainly see how it would create problems for you with other family members by not showing an interest in visiting your mom while in the hospital for example. They would interperate this as callous and would not understand. This is not normal behavior. In your particular case and in the case of many with AS, it is what it is and you are not alone in that. You are just wired to be like that.

I look at the normal NT world. At work for example, there are bosses that love to create pressure and stress on their underlings for their own amusement just because they can. It pleases them to do so. People like that know full well the stress they are causing for others and could care less and even delight in it. I see it all the time. To me that is much worse and much more dangerous and the world is full of those types. They do not sit and contemplate that they may be inhuman even though in my view they truely are.

Ahh okay. Thank you for clarifying that for me .

Indeed, I agree that it's not good that they don't care. I may have a 'cold personality' because I lack empathy for most, however I WANT to feel things, unlike those people you mentioned I suppose.

So would you say that the way that I am hardwired is an AS thing or just the way that I am? (I have had several professionals tell me that they think that I have AS, including an Educational Psychologist, however I didn't persue an official diagnosis. I have now decided that I am going to seek one. I posted all of this on a post in the Women's Discussion bit).

It sounds like an AS thing, what you are describing is very common for those with AS.

Like anything, when it comes to empathy we either tend to have way too much or way too little.

Ahh okay, thanks . Yeah, see I knew that lack of empathy was a characteristic of AS, however I didn't know the extent, and if mine counted. Despite the fact that I seem like a classic Aspie on paper, I'm still (anxious/doubtful?) that the Doctor's won't think that I have AS for some reason. I don't know why... Then again, I didn't think that the Doctor would say that I had depression as I thought it was too mild; they ended up diagnosing me with moderate depression, which became severe...

Co-morids (including depression) are extremely common.

If you make a list of the reasons why you think you have it - you will have done half the work for them and they will be less likely to refuse or deny that you have it. Always go prepared.