Terrified of dx

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Its not that I'm terrified of being dx'd with AS, but that I have no idea what I'll do if they say I don't have it. I could go into a long list of details to explain why I have it, and I would still be judged by someone for self-diagnosing.

I've been told by family members that I can't possibly have it, or that I'm "borderline" whatever that means. That the school would have caight it when i was a kid if i had it.... Must like they didnt catch my learning disorder. My family thinks that because I can meet there eyes more often than not, and have an engaging conversation with them, I'm fine. They ignore the fact that if things get awkward I completely freeze, or I run away for the situation. They forget that I can't walk into a room full of people without first studying it to see where I can feel the safest first.

If they're right and i dont have it, then I must be going crazy. I'm tired of the doctors telling me I'm bipolar and then switching it to a personality disorder and then back to bipolar. I've been diagnosed again and agai with so many things, and I'm tired of it, is it ADHD, OCD, PTSD, panic attacks anxiety, and major depression? Or maybe it's a personality disorder NOS? Or maybe it's effing Aspergers!

I try to tell professionals that I jump and squeak and flap and cry when I'm very very anxious, they don't believe me. They don't understand the moment of pure terror I feel when the keys aren't where they are supposed to be and I'm going to be late if I can't find them, and my husband has to grab my hand that is waving futilely in the air and calm me down so I don't go any farther Into a meltdown.

Regardless, I met a girl last year that had been dx'd when she was 15. After seeing signs in my daughter and talking to her I started doing research into autism, especially women with AS and everything sounded like me.

I've read the book Aspergirls front to back and written notes from it obsessively on anything that resonated. Most of it did resonate.

My husband believes I have AS, as do I. According to the female graph at help4aspergers i probably have it.

I'll be tested in a few weeks hopefully along with getting my dx for dyscalculia and a verbal processing disorder of some sort.

Sorry for the super long rant, I'm just at my wits end and I'm alternating between euphoria that this is finally going to happen and crashing because of my fear that they'll say no. ..... I really have no one else to talk to beside my husband and he's tired of me blabbering on and on about this for weeks now.