Being friends with other women.

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Does anyone else here have difficulty acquiring female friends? Throughout my life, most of my few friends have been male. Though I don't have an aversion to being friends with other women, and in fact, there are a few I would have liked to have been friends with, I generally find we have little in common, and most of them are too socially complex for me anyway...or rather, I'm not socially fluent enough for them. I have a difficult time reading them, and their group dynamic "flies over my head" so to speak. The only thing I seem to catch is when I say something which apparently was considered odd, and they will shift glances at eachother and occasionally laugh and I can never figure out why my comment caused such a reaction. They very quickly pick up on the fact that I'm not like them. I suppose I make them feel uneasy. I have heard other women calling me "weird" before, though I have never done anything in her presence that I can identify as overtly unusual. I've been quite diplomatic with other women in the past, but they seem to be able to pick up on the slightest hint of awkwardness and never seem very accepting of me. Granted, this is generally NT women...but I really don't understand why they must be so discriminatory as if I were a dangerous individual.

Well, there are a couple reasons I have mostly male friends. First and foremost, there is never the question of "Does he like me?" with men, unless I were to speak with a lisp and flail my arms while sporting the latest apparel from Hot Topic. Women see every man as a potential mate, whether we like it or not. Secondly, women are more sensitive than men are, and the outlandish things I say put a lot of people off. Thirdly, I can go a month or two without calling or texting my male friends. I've only known one girl that was OK with us talking every now and then, but people like her are very rare. And fourth, guys can go do whatever. Girls have to do this or that, yada yada. Not all girls are like that, but enough that I cite it as a general rule.

Someone else on here mentioned the friend zone. You never want to be in the zone, unless you got yourself a new haircut and you are ordering two Heinekens.

I dont tend to keep female friends easily. I guess they dont want a 12 year old boy in a woman's body who constantly monologues. Their loss i guess.

I don't really have any friends right now (not complaining) but in general I enjoy the company of men more. It seems women talk about relationships more and I'm OK with that to a point because I'm interested in the psychological aspects but after a while it gets trivial. There's also the emotional stroking I'm no good at to contend with. I have been the recipient of the mutual glance "behind my back" and I hate that.

The only reason I figure I don't have female friends is that I am never on the same level as them. I don't like shopping and trying on clothes, I like comfortable shoes that they would see as correctional, or too butch. Plus women see other women as a threat if you get along with guys better. It seems you have to say how much you hate something of yourself at some point so they know you are self conscious also and warm to you. Plus I knew someone who would share stories with one coworker and not me. She later did tell me the same story which was shocking. She later confessed, she held it from me because she didn't want to feel stupid because I would not have put up with it.

The people I bother being friend-ish with are either genuinely nice or are (on some level) as out-of-place as I am.

I can't say it's easier to make male friends than it is to make female friends. Some of the males I've met are as petty and as condescending as their female counterparts. They can be all right when they're by themselves, but not so much when they're with their friends. I'm also reminded of the time there was this new guy at work who didn't seem to have any problems with me at first but who--after having lunch with the other guys--acted as if I was a leper. The change in attitude would be understandable if he'd known me longer, but I generally leave a good first impression and don't come across as weird after only one day.

In conclusion: Herd mentality sucks.

I'm really not aware of this.

lol Im like a 12 year old boy in a womans body too.

actually all my closest friendships have been with women, but I wasnt their best friend, I think I was a 'pity friend' or 'crappy side kick' who they tollerated as they felt sorry for me. Ive not had close male friends, though plenty of aquaintances. I had one male friend but he wanted to sleep with me so doesnt really count as a friend. Most people who have been involved in my life were actually aquaintances not friends but I didnt realise at the time.

You're not aware of it because it's not correct - it might be for some, but not most.

*As for Mindslave comment - I'm really getting tired of the way every questions, even one like how easy it is for AS women to relate to other women is turned into a pretext to have another rant about the war between sexes *

Back on the subject, yes, I have a lot of problems relating and bonding with other women, our mind and emotional make-up - thus our expectations and requirements in a friendship - seem very, very different. But I've also had some good experiences and I'm grateful for them.

I just don't understand why some of them take so much of an issue with those who are a little different.

My sister has tried to explain this to me using some other "weird" women she has had dealings with, but she can't seem to really articulate a good reasons, eventually turning red, clasping her hands over her face and declaring "She's just WEIRD and it BOTHERS me!"

I have to remark, I don't think I'm horrible overtly awkward anymore. I've put great efforts into improving my social image and I am usually initially met with doubt by those who are familiar with AS when I tell them I have it (they change their minds quickly as I eventually reach the end of my social fluency) but it seems to me that some of these women are just so incredibly fine tuned to "normal" and "not normal" that it really only takes a few minutes for them to decide I fit into the "not normal" category, for which they seem to have little in the way of coping abilities.

There seems to be these rigid, unwritten rules about what is permissible, and unpermissable to speak about, and in some instances, I understand where these boundaries are, but though I can hypothesize why they might take an issue with a turn in the conversation which compels me to speak of the etymology of a word, for example, I really don't understand why they judge that this seemingly benign subject is such an inappropriate thing to talk about and why it should make them wary about being friends with me.

I have the same problems, Chronos - and they revolve a lot around people's need to conform and also to pressure others to conform - this post in a different thread reflects my experiences:

"Women are just as competitive and exclusive as men and in my opinion more conformist - the methods they use are much more subtle, even passive aggressive at times, which makes it a lot harder for an Aspie to notice and interpret them correctly."

I should add that I'm not trying to stereotype or blame anybody for this situation - it's just an observation that reflects my own interactions with many women.

Edit: what helped me quite often was wearing my eccentricities as a badge or something to be proud of - it makes me look arrogant on occasions, but at least I'm not getting attacked or patronised.

Last edited by Sallamandrina on 05 Dec 2010, 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't have any female friends. Well, not real friends anyway.
Too bitchy for my liking. >.<

Glad to see I am not the only one!

Yeah, friends are hard to find. Sadly, I am one of those people who cannot appear normal or un-weird no matter how hard I try. Any friends I make have to be themselves pretty weird in some way. It is hard for me to find someone who out-weirds me though.

I get on far better with men than I do with women.

I was lucky as I used to live in brighton, which is similar to san fran sisco in being very alternative and open minded, this meant being weird and odd was ok and more the 'done thing', if anything people there are bitchy to people if they are 'too conventional'. After that I was hanging out with people who home educated (home schooled) where people are also very alternative and unconventional. Ive found green politics/human rights organisations are also very tollerant of difference and had good aquaintances when I worked in oxfam.

My confidence has been much knocked since finding out about aspergers and its made me very self consious and full of self doubt and Ive very much isolated myself, however Ive found the aspie meet ups and social groups quite tollerant of difference and aspergers though actually much more conventional than other groups Ive been in.

I tend to find Im too unconventional for mainstream people but too ridgid and uptight for alternative people.

Whoa....

My friends all say I am like a 14 year old boy. I also do not have very many women friends. Women are just too complicated most of the time. I am finding that many of the older ones are okay (like 40 and up) but it is still a crap shoot. I hang out almost exclusively with men.

I don't have many female friends, I hardly get along with them, unless they are unique in their own way, know that there are other things in this world than clothes, shoes and guys. Don't get me wrong, I like nice clothes and shoes, but I really don't want to talk about that all goddamn day. I also hate that sort of "competition" thing going on between women. I can't really describe or decrypt it, I just "feel" that something is wrong and that makes me feel uncomfortable around them.