Deliberately doing the worst strip tease ever

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I'm thinking of the whole pressure to accept my body and to do so through the quaint art form of burlesque. It's really popular with third-wave feminist types at the moment and I was thinking of putting together a deliberately awful one to deconstruct it. The idea goes like this.

Haddaway's What is Love comes on, but I make no attempt to dance to it and just sort of nod. I come on dressed in normal office clothes, like I just got out of work. I take them off very casually whilst drawing doodles on a whiteboard that appear sexually suggestive at first but actually turn out to be something innocent (like the classic boobs turned into a dog's face,) all of this with my back to the audience. Once the bra comes off, I pick up some cards from the table and turn around. It'll be like the Dylan Subterranean Homesick Blues thing, but with the cards hiding my body. Ideas for what will be on the cards:

'So I'd thought I'd try this burlesque thing...' (first one)
Situationist slogans
Nonsense poems
Pictures of Pokemon
Pictures of fat male comedians
'Boobs, Yes, I have them. So does yo mamma!'
'I actually have a penis. Bet you can't wait to see it!'
'I did have boobs, but they got mauled off last time I was wrestling a bear'
'WARNING this is the last card. Avert eyes now, or be turned into a statue that I can stick in my front room.'

I'll linger on the last card for ages and ages, using my free hand to put a stick of gum in my mouth and check the time. Then I remove the last card, do a ret*d Night Fever disco dance, throw some confetti pathetically and then limp off.

I think doing this will actually make me feel much better about myself than actually attempting to be sexy. Any suggestions on how to make it as WTF?! as possible are welcome. It's still an idea that needs work.

Last edited by puddingmouse on 30 Jun 2013, 10:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

Ahh ... performance art ...

Unfortunately, once the first card comes out, your (male) audience is likely to boo you and shout for the next act to begin.

Men go to nudie clubs to see a sensuous strip-tease, not a political triptych.

Last edited by Fnord on 30 Jun 2013, 10:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

The audiences at burlesque or often very polite and middle class (which is why I'm targeting them.) They see it as arty, anyway. A lot of the audience are women going as some sort of feminist thing - body acceptance and shizz.

Even if they do boo me, that's all the more reason to keep going.

^ You haven't been to many nudie clubs, have you?

The first time your act gets political is the last time you'll perform at that club.

I've been to see 'burlesque' talent shows shows at bars and it is totally done in a third-wave feminist, curvy girls jiggling about to improve their self-esteem way. Some of them even try to make some sort of lame ironic political point, but they do it whilst still trying to be 'sexy'. I'm just doing it in the true punk spirit of pissing people off.

It's not nudie clubs where it happens.

Sorry, my mistake. Burlesque is a largely lost art, but I'm glad to know that it is making a comeback.

It's an art-form which not everyone can do well. But on the alternative scene at the moment, they encourage every chubby girl to put on nipple tassels and wave feather fans around to Nina Simone songs, whether she's actually any good at it or not. I'm sick of being told to give it a go in order to get over my body-image issues; it's like I'm not allowed to be a bit down about the way I look. So, I'll do it my way.

Pasties. They're called pasties ("PAY-steez").


Google "Sally Rand". She was doing the "Fan Dance" well into her 70s.


Have fun!

If you see a stoop-shouldered, slightly balding middle aged man in the front row offering you twenties for a few more minutes of your terpsichorial performance, please try not to kick m him too hard.

Pasties are just things you stick over your nipples. The nipple tassels have dangly bits because stuff dangling makes things that much sexier.

My idea isn't to be sexy; it's to be a bit cynical and just a tiny bit confrontational. Most of the ones doing 'serious burlesque' try to make it look like they don't take themselves seriously, whereas I want to make it look like I don't take the audience seriously - make them feel as stupid as I would if I was doing a 'sexy' performance.

Last edited by puddingmouse on 30 Jun 2013, 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Trust me ... a woman waving her "dangly bits" is what men will think is sexy ...

That's the whole premise of burlesque being sold as a confidence booster. 'I'm fat and plain and I have no co-ordination or rhythm - but look BOOBS!' people stare appreciatively, woman feels like she is actually beautiful, when it's really just the boobs.

I know too much about male psychology to actually get a confidence boost out of doing a bad dance and then flashing my tits to get applause.

Some tweaks I'm thinking of making:

Music: Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. It has no beat and therefore no sexiness. That is the point. I could have Sid Vicious Singing My Way, but I like the Metal Machine Music idea better.

Another idea is to come out in drag as a man rather than in office clothes.

Then the "Fan Dance" is perfect for you; just remember to keep smiling!


Image of Sally Rand - the penultimate Burlesque Queen! (1904-1979)

I'm thinking of actually perfecting a moronic-looking smile that resembles the one striptease girls do but looks deliberately brainless. That and the sultry glance, which I will also create a stupid version of. It shouldn't be hard because most of my attempts to do these facial expressions look idiotic, anyway - might as well make that the whole point.

I love that you used the word "terpsichorial."

I used to name my computer and hard drives after muses. Terpsichore was always C:\ drive.

^ It was a pretty smooth move, though I admit this simple mouse had to google it.