Having children/adoption

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I'm starting to think I'd like to care for a child when I'm in my 30s. The thing is, I don't think having a biological child would be a good idea. This is mostly because I don't want to pass my genes on (it's not really about overpopulation or fear of pregnancy).

I don't think I would make a bad parent but I'm not sure if I would be allowed to adopt, even if my partner or I get a better job and move into a 3 bedroom house. I'm not the most orthodox of people. Does any one have any experience of adopting and could you tell me what sort of things rule you out? I have a history of severe depression, so I'm guessing they won't let me because of that. I manage it really well and I have been able to recover and come off meds, but it has been a recurrent and quite a big problem in my life.

If I can't adopt a child then I guess there are other things I could do with my nurturing instinct.

having kids and AS is really challenging. As long as the depression is at bay it doesn't seem like being around kids would be bad. You might consider adopting from overseas as it is easier.

I'm not really planning to have children.

I may adopt one when I'll be older. I don't know.

As a mom with AS and depression episodes, I now know I likely should not have bourne three children and adopted two more. They survived and a couple appreciate my mothering, but I did not do a great job. Adoption agencies will look askance at depression since they know all children create stress. Even if I had not had the stressful children with severe autism and fetal alcohol effect, the "normal" children created stress I was hard put to handle. I think maybe I should have used my nurturing desires as a classroom aide or a baby rocker in a hospital.
Interestingly, my AS child never gave me an ounce of difficulty. Unfotunately, I gave him a body prone to autoimmune diseases and depression. He is depressed now as he struggles with ankylosing spondylitus. And my other birth son has just been diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitus.
The two adopted children did not enjoy having a "weird" mother.

Adopting a child is no guarantee that it will be less challenging than having your own child. Children adopted after multiple caregivers may suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder which can mimic AS. Or the child could have been product of an alcoholic or drug-addict mother, or have bipolar, schizophrenia or other mental disorders. Adopting is never a guarantee that you will get an easy kid. My adoptive mother made that error in thinking when she adopted me.

I know, a kid I adopt is probably more likely to have problems. I just don't want to add to the gene pool. I'm not looking for an easy time.

Last edited by puddingmouse on 11 May 2013, 6:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mikassyna, you are absolutely right. The social worker promised me the 2 yr old girl was normal and bright. It took me only 30 seconds with her to realize something wasn't right neurologically. But it took a decade to find out what she had was fetal alcohol effect. The professionals I took her to for help could not recognize the constellation of learning disorders she had. I think that now they would recognize the symptoms. There has been so much learning in the last two decades.
When I took my severely autistic daughter at age nine into the pediatrician and told him she had bi-polar and could prove it by charting her behaviour on a calendar, he told me he had never heard of a child that young with bi-polar, or an autistic person with bi-polar. We know better, now, don't we? Anyway, the lithium reduced the number of crisis from 6-7 per day to 1 per day. And so, like an idiot, I ran out and adopted two more children. The one with FAE ratcheted up the number of crisis/day to a soul-crunching number.

The trouble with being a parent is that there are an infinite number of ways to do it wrong and not a single way to get it right:(

I don't reccomend it. I love my boys but I feel so guilty about all the ways I have failed them:(

I could have coped with life without them I think. With them I sort of held my breath and forced myself to carry on. Now they are all adult I am falling apart, and not from any sort of empty nest syndrome. I feel shell shocked.

*hugs*

How much would they have enjoyed if no one adopted them?

There is a shortage of adoptive parents, particularly for disabled kids and those older than 12 months. Personally, I think if you can do better than what the kid would experience if they weren't adopted, you shouldn't feel guilty about adopting even if you do have problems.

Yeah, I never told my adopted kids, so I'm pretty sure they don't know that at that time in Texas, they would have remained in Foster Care until they aged out. They were biracial, and TX would have only allowed biracial parents to adopt them. TX would not allow me to adopt black kids. The only reason I was able to get these two was because they were handled by a Lutheran Adoption Agency and Los Ninos, who did not have the TX asinine requirement that the races of parents and children had to be the same.

This is very true up to a point, but it's not the full story. Although it's true child rearing will break your heart a thousand times, there are still no words to express the depth of feeling you will have for your children. Nothing else in this life even comes close. Your love for your husband is a separate set of emotions altogether, in my opinion.



Everyone "fails". There are no guarantees in parenthood. There is not a parent alive who doesn't look back and wish they'd done something different. And I really don't think it matters if you are the biological parents or not. I fully understand the desire not to "contribute to the gene pool", and that is one's own choice, of course. Being "mommy" is not dependent on shared DNA.

Children are extraordinarily perceptive. They take in feelings and emotions before they even have words for them. Acknowledging your mistakes is part of being grown up, I think, but feeling guilty does your children no good. They will pick up on it, possibly think it's their fault, and perpetuate a "culture of guilt." Or worse, they will be bitter and resentful toward you all their life.

As with everything else in life, you do the best you can, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. But "doing your best" isn't necessarily good enough either if you don't constantly reevaluate what you're doing to try and improve. You try to give your children the tools to be good, decent, caring human beings. You try to give them solid values about how to treat people and how to live a life of integrity.

Beyond that, it's up to them, not you.

So true! I had always want to be a mother. And I wouldn't want change it for anything!

I always wanted to experience pregnancy and birth, and I had my own kids knowing that they would be getting my faulty genes (though I didn't know at the time those genes were called ASD)... and boy did they ever inherit all of my flaws! Still, I don't regret it; they are just as amazing and valuable and full of potential as anyone else. I know some people don't want to "curse" their children (or the world) with ASD, but I don't think the world would be any worse off with a few more autistics. Life is hard for everyone, autistic or not, but it is still worth celebrating and living. Just my opinion, but I don't see an issue with wanting to have biological children, regardless of "disability."

Now that I've done the whole pregnancy bit, I am considering fostering (possibly to adopt) an older child. I would even consider adopting an older child with ASD, especially since those kids are less-likely to be adopted. From my somewhat-limited experience with the foster care system in the US: there is such a high need for foster parents that they really can't be too picky. I know one foster family (unfortunately) that shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children! I know two women with their own psychiatric issues who have successfully adopted through the foster system. Unless your life is highly unstable, I seriously doubt you would be denied.