Shutdowns

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What are your symptoms of shutdown and how often do they occur?

1. A huge disagreement or painful event happens
2. I go to my room
3. I don’t talk at all
4. Usually I lie down on my bed and hug one of my plushies
5. My mentality goes from my usual self to “go away and leave me alone mentality”

That’s my shut down process. They only happen when I’m really overwhelmed, sad or lonely.

There is often a trigger either in that moment or that has build building up, that could be anxiety, sadness, fear or some kind of emotional trauma.
In a shutdown I will initially have a sort of physical sensation that feels like a wave over me, or a sensation of my stomach dropping, they’ll be a rush of noise or more like very loud silence (if that makes sense) blocking out awareness of surroundings. I’ll go very quiet or silent, I’ll struggle to move and verbalise what’s happening. Sometimes I will be practically catatonic or will silently cry.
I will struggle to be around others and if possible will remove myself to somewhere I can remove myself from having to interact with others as it’s too difficult and exposing. If I’m asked what’s wrong I usually won’t be able to explain or will very much struggle to do so.

i don't know, my brain tries to etch it out of my memory and seems to seal it from memory, like forbidding me to go near, if that makes sense ? ?
in fact i feel horrible just trying to approach the topic..



i just know the worst one was pver 2 (nearly 3) weeks and unbelievably bad.

i had them very regularly ,(but those ones i call 'mild' as in 'not REALLY shutdowns') but
nowadays i requested doctor to increase my dosage of medication and seem to have less...! !! !! !! but less doesnt mean none.
i had them basically every two days (the ones i call mild, compared to the horror ones that i wouldn't wish on anyone)--
cannot talk, move, etc.
but still have some degree of control with pep talk and hold over my mind (not much)

it varies depending on what has been happening during that time ..
i can sorta delay the mild ones (can control it somewhat-- for at least a few hours-- or change it by trying to go the opposite direction and go 'manic' with occupying my mind nonstop with ANYTHING - like im doing right now)


but the risk with that is they can build up - if u suppress them - and become a 'horror' one -

i even had them in childhood but didnt realize it.. but my mom understood and would accommodate me..
which i only realize now..
realized now what used to happen almost daily to my mom that sometimes scared us as kids was shutdowns.. she would tell us not to worry but she wasnt able to talk..

Sometimes I feel like I am just observing my body and not actually in control of it. I know I should speak or move, but just can't quite make it happen. Usually passes after a few minutes, and happens after an extremely stressful/scary event (which for me could be a room where people kept popping balloons and I couldn't leave, not necessarily something super dramatic to most people). Not sure if that's a shutdown or something else...?

roll into ball and shut out world not talk

My brain starts begins processing very slowly. I can't absorb what I am hearing well and am unable to respond although I want to. I slur my words or stutter and feel warm and light-headed. It feels like there is a separation between me and who I am with, like I am underwater.

It's most likely to happen if I am stressed, or over-tired, or if people around me aren't managing conflict well. The sooner it's possible to retreat from people and rest, the better!

See the tlink thing on the bottom of what I write.

For me, shutdowns start off in partial shutdown foem which I tend to usually get daily. I used to get full shutdowns almost daily before I joined this site to make sense of things, as I did not realize what they were and that they are caused by "Triggers". Since then I have learned both what some of the triggers are and also how I can help prevent myself from a partial shutdown heading into a full shutdown, which tends to be about 85% effective. I do this by stimming and also the older method which I knew which was drinking a fizzy drink and eating something sugary or chocolatey as when I get a full shutdown my brain needs to be fed to help it recover. Shutdowns are my brain not coping with the stress or the trigger that has pushed my brain into stress if that makes sense?

I tend to not notice a partial shutdown until I am already in it and then I realize I have been in it for some time. In a partial shutdown certain things start to take place. I find partial shutdowns vary in their severity from hardly noticeable (Think along the lines of if I was carrying a bag and someone started sneaking in stones into the bag while I am walking. The more stones in the bag the more difficult it is for me to continue walking at the same pace and the further I walk as it gets heavier, the more likely I am to reach a point where I can't continue and I end up sitting or lying on the floor. This feels very much like how my body reacts to a partial and a full shutdown as the scale intensifies, but with a full shutdown I am on the floor in a semi paralized state (I say semi as if I tried I can move an arm but the effort of doing so means I go into a deep shutdown (Or usually a second shutdown if ai am recovering from a previous full shutdown) so I will do all I can to not move while in this floppy state).
A partial shutdown feels like I am wearing a heavy suit of armour so every movement takes effort. The first noticeable feature is my balance and co-ordination start to be effected. I have to manually let my eyes take over from my senses and manually make adjustments so I can stay walking upright. I often look as if I am drunk. I find my legs can be starting to give way under me so I have to manually watch my legs as I walk and manually try to feel what my legs are doing so I can adjust my walk accordingly. Sometimes when I was fragile when I had hit burnout I found I wanted to walk somewhere but I just stood there having forgotton how to walk.. As in what I should do to be able to walk... This has nothing to do with balance. This is a type of memory issue I guess? Then it would come to me I needed to move one of my legs, but then I would be motionless debating which leg I need to move first! Once I put a leg forward to walk my mind instinctively is able to take over and continue the walk if that makes sense? The odd thing is that my forgetting how to walk could happen while I was walking from one place to the other. Example, I could be walking fine and reach a point where I want to cross a road, so I stand still and watch for traffic. All clear and then I will be just standing there having forgotton how to walk! If I am driving I can forget how to change gears (Manual gearbox). I have not had issues with braking, clutch or accelerating but the gears for some reason, when I am in what I call a "Fragile" state after having had a burnout, and due to family stresses where I need "Me" time and brother keeps inviting his workmates home every evening, I am unable to get this "Me" time so I tend to go into fragile mode!
I did get moments while younger where I would be jogging or running flat out, and I would suddenly forget how to run and I would be staggering for a moment until it all came back to me. During this time I would end up on the floor, or running all over the place with my legs out of control! A very wierd experience I can tell you!

But anyway. A full shutdown. What is it like? First of all I will be in the deeper end of a partial shutdown so I will be sitting on a seat and looking to lie down or lying on the floor by then as my body starts going into limp mode.
Then while on the floor my mind starts to panic as I know what is coming. Loudish tinitus at a medium pitch note which slowly lowers in pitch as my eyesight then dulls to black as the tinitus note hits the low note and then I am in a full shutdown.
Full shutdowns are odd becuase I am unable to move or see or hear, but if someone walks past I am still concious so I can feel them walk past through either the draft or the floor moving so, with all my other senses having shut off, the only ones to remain being feeling and breathing etc seem to be left. But...I think this is just after the full shutdown when I start to recover though I can be in this state a little while. (I don't think I am in a full shutdown for long. I actually do not know but the recovery takes a while).
When I start to recover I am vunerable to another full shutdown so I want to lie down (Not that I want to get up or move as the effort would send me into another full shutdown). If someone starts fussing over me and trying to get me to talk, I will get another full shutdown! You can see why in a hospital where I have sensory triggers of the hospital smells, I can be in there for ages when all I was in there was for a blood test, because nurses will assume I have fainted and will keep repeating the "What is your name? Where were you born? What is your date of birth etc" to pull one out of a faint. Now this is the very worst thing to do to me when I am recovering from a full shutdown as apart from getting repeated shutdowns, instead of 20 minutes to fully recover it may take hours!

The strange thing is that partial shutdowns (Which ALWAYS come before full shutdowns and most of the time I can prevent myself from getting a full shutdown) effect me in different ways according to the tasks I am doing. If walking (I don't run or jog as I find I can't really do it these days other then briefly) or cycling the partial shutdown experience has to be caught quick as the physical activity tends to speed up the process. When driving it is the complete opposite as I relax while driving and I am already sitting down. I have never had a full shutdown while driving. (See description in link below my posts about delaying shutdowns and example of driving and it is as if I had written it myself!)... A partial shutdown while driving happens slowly and I can sense it takeing place far sooner then I could if I was walking or cycling because I am relaxed and sitting down. I do find that I tend to over compensate so I will be thinking twice to fit through gaps with my little car that one could drive a lorry or a bus through! I will be looking for a place to pull in so I can take a break from driving, but as in my area they have closed most of the old pulling in places (Laybys) I often need to drive up to 15 miles to find such a place that I can pull in... Now this is not a problem as I can delay the shutdown experience...