How to cope with all the 'adult stuff'?

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So, my partner and I are moving in together. Inevitably, marriage and children are next. I've been living alone since I was 16 and have managed fairly well as long as I'm secure knowing that I get 600 bucks a month for what I need. In fact, I like it better because I control everything, food, detergent, how my clothes are done. But I still feel big, big panic at the idea that I have to move into a new house with my partner, I don't know what routines will take place there, I don't know what the house is going to be like and I feel entirely unprepared to be an adult even though I've been more or less taking care of myself for the past 12 years. And don't even get me started on the fact that his family will now also be my family and I have to change the way I address his parents and we may have kids one day, I really don't like babies but love toddlers and then I get on to my old childhood fear of everyone getting old and dying.

I'm not sure I'm handling this very well. My question is, has anyone got coping methods for transitions like this? My NT friends are vastly unhelpful with advice like "don't be so negative" to "if you're panicking, maybe you shouldn't move in with or marry him".

Big changes can be stressful for anyone, even positive changes, so I'd think how you are feeling is not unusual. Perhaps a way to alleviate those would be to plan some things in advance of the "merging lives" and iron a few basic things out with your mate so you don't feel so much like you are jumping into a whirlwind of domestic chaos.

The whole "let's move in and work it out as we go", in my opinion, leads to a dominant partner getting their way all the time while doing very little, while the passive partner hustles around trying to live the other one's life. Not fair. Make plans instead.

Have you talked to your partner about routines? Maybe before the big move you could practice living together. Have him stay at your place or you at his place for a week, and practice doing routine things together (making meals, doing laundry, etc.). This way, you will have a little bit of a chance to get used to it without jumping into it all at once.

The above posts offer great advice. I just want to add that you have a great advantage going into this next stage of your life: you have had the opportunity to figure out what works for you and what doesn't, and to really know what you need as an individual, and what you can and cannot tolerate. Many people, NTs included, haven't lived independently for very long before they involve themselves in a relationship, and as a result they can't communicate well with their partner because they don't know what they need in the first place. I have been there myself, and my husband and I have had a very tense relationship at times, and a lot of unnecessary struggle.

My counselor recommended I read Rudy Simone's "22 Things a Woman with Asperger Syndrome Wants her Partner to Know"--it is very helpful to highlight and annotate the things that are true of you, and hand it over to your partner. Saves a lot of explanations when you are too tense / anxious to make things really clear to the other person.

With all due respect to your NT friends, if we never did anything that made us nervous or anxious, we would miss out on some pretty amazing experiences...

Regarding babies, they make me miserable, too. But they get to be little people eventually... my son is now almost seven, and he is quite "cool"...

This reminds me of when good friend of mine moved in with his girlfriend. He was very stressed about it, but I met up with him after he'd moved in and they'd settle in a bit and he told me he was happy. I'm not sure what his coping strategy was or if things just fitted into place easily, but I hope it turns out well for you too. Sometimes we can be stressed by the unknown, but it isn't so bad once the reality happens.

In hindsight, better planning would have been a good idea. Also a good idea, not throwing wedding planning and renovations into the mix. I've been having a lot of bad days since this whole thing started. Which are making me cranky, insomniac and my brain-mouth filter has completely stopped working. My partner is upset with me, I'm upset with myself and also upset with the whole world and there's the horror of a Chinese wedding looming in my future. Plus, the expense of everything means no therapy or medication for me for the foreseeable future because I now need to figure out how to save up 10 thousand dollars by next September to throw a stupid Chinese wedding banquet so my parents can show me off to their stupid friends.

Why the f**k would you want to move in with his family if you are a grown ass adult? Get an apartment somewhere with him or something.