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Crearan
Blue Jay
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26 Jan 2014, 3:00 pm

Throughout my life, I've attracted men on the spectrum (I wasn't aware that was the case at the time, for many of them, but looking back, I'm guessing several were). I think for two reasons: One, I give off ASD signals myself and two, I have sympathy for folks who have a hard time socially, like me, and will talk to most people who choose to talk to me.

The trick is, I think that sometimes I'm, through a combination of poor signalling and interpretation ability on all sides, creating the impression that I'm flirting. I'm not (not yet, anyway, I'm sure I could meet someone I would want to flirt with); I'm being polite and wary of causing offense that isn't necessary and using the opportunity to learn about someone else and practice socializing.

How does anyone else handle this? Do you avoid talking to men in general (I feel like I give the wrong impression sometimes with NT men, too)? How do you signal casual social but not flirting/romantic interest?



Agdgdgwngo
Tufted Titmouse
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29 Jan 2014, 12:30 am

I don't think it's your fault. Being an ASD male, it is really hard not to feel a romantic bond with members of the opposite gender if they share enough similar mental traits since everybody else we meet might as well be a different species. I think the easiest way to go about it is to be yourself interaction-wise because if someone thinks you are flirting just because you are exchanging pleasantries they are merely being presumptuous and there is nothing that will change that, but avoid things like hugging. I don't mean just shy away from it, I mean absolute refusal to hug males who you want to consider friends. If They have problems with it, just say that you do not want that kind of intimacy because you feel it goes beyond the levels you consider acceptable from friends.



Crearan
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29 Jan 2014, 9:36 am

That seems like a good boundary. (And I'm now being semi-stalked in real life by someone I think is completely NT, so. Awkward man problems, I have them.)



Thegoldenfalcon
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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29 Jan 2014, 10:39 am

I don't think you'd have any solid advice, saying that would be saying all men with AS act a certain way which would be a little ignorant imo.



MindBlind
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06 Feb 2014, 12:37 pm

Crearan wrote:
Throughout my life, I've attracted men on the spectrum (I wasn't aware that was the case at the time, for many of them, but looking back, I'm guessing several were). I think for two reasons: One, I give off ASD signals myself and two, I have sympathy for folks who have a hard time socially, like me, and will talk to most people who choose to talk to me.

The trick is, I think that sometimes I'm, through a combination of poor signalling and interpretation ability on all sides, creating the impression that I'm flirting. I'm not (not yet, anyway, I'm sure I could meet someone I would want to flirt with); I'm being polite and wary of causing offense that isn't necessary and using the opportunity to learn about someone else and practice socializing.

How does anyone else handle this? Do you avoid talking to men in general (I feel like I give the wrong impression sometimes with NT men, too)? How do you signal casual social but not flirting/romantic interest?


I sort of know what you mean, but I don't think there's any malicious intent, nor is it to do with aspergers. Just be frank and tell them that you aren't intrrested in them romantically or sexually and they'll understand (unless they're as*holes, then you can just drop them). You don't need to avoid them. Sometimes friends develop feelings for friends and just because you don 't reciprocate, it's no reason to avoid them or stop being friends.