I'm an aspie and, so is my husband.

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I got married almost three years ago to a wonderful, quiet, thoughtful man. I was the more outgoing one in the relationship so, I was pretty happy to be with someone more laid back than I. Now, because my oldest son was diagnosed with aspergers, I realized that I too was probably on the Spectrum. In doing more research, both my husband and I started to realize the we had many characteristics of ASD. I got a diagnosis last July and, he is still awaiting his results from testing done a a couple of weeks ago. Although, we are pretty sure he is an aspie too.

This is my predicament. He has a passion for writing codes on the web, building, websites and, learning new coding languages. He was self-taught but, is now going to school for it. I am very proud of him for all of this. However, he spends most if not all his free time on the computer. This is not counting homework. Sometimes it is 8-10 hours a day!

I have a passion for art and, love to escape to my happy place to recharge but, there are other priorties that demand my attention, like kids, house chores, and of course my marriage. This dosen't seem to register with him. When I ask for a bit of one on one time with him, he is so sucked in to the computer that he barley acknowledges me. If I am lucky to pull him away for a bit, I can tell his mind is still on whatever he was doing on the computer because that is all he will talk about. This has been going on for over a year and, we have the same argument over and over about it. He seems to not be able to manage this on his own and, is not open to counseling. I love this man and I know he loves me but, I am totally at a loss here.

If any of you are married to aspie men and know what that's like, I would love to hear from you.

Have you tried asking him to schedule time together ahead of time, so he knows it's coming and can plan for it?

Yes, I have. However, not to the extent of picking a certain hour or particular time. I usually just ask something like, " Hey, would you like to take a break when you are at a stopping point, I would like to spend a little time with you".

I think it's a harmless thing, maybe worth a try?

Well...a lot depends on what you're willing to do. Because let me get this straight: You make the home and take care of it; you have children and you raise them; and you also have this man who lives in your house and pays for some or all of it. You have a tenant, in other words. He goes to work or school, then comes home and hides with the computer. He doesn't seem to have time to be involved with your kids. Does he understand that what he's doing isn't fair, and that you have no obligation to make a home for a man who doesn't want to spend time with you? He seems to be taking you and what you do for granted.

Part of the difficulty in his peeling himself away is that if he's that deeply absorbed, he doesn't really have anything else to talk about. Maybe you should ask him if he wants you to just leave him there with his stuff and walk away.

I did this with my ex-girlfriend, and it went a long way towards destroying the relationship. I think the underlying problem was cohabitation. If we had lived apart, as I'd preferred, there would have been a clear boundary between relationship time and computer time; I would have had to schedule time with her or at least been broken out of my trance in front of the screen by her phone call asking to visit. I had a similar problem separating working time from personal computer time because I worked online, from home: again, the lack of a clear boundary.

I think Waterfalls' idea would be a good thing to try.