Need some insight....

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I don't know if is the proper place to come to, but I feel that coming here and getting support and hearing from other autistic females is my last chance to convince myself that the relationship I am in is THAT bad, and that things will never change, and that leaving is the best thing for everyone.

I've been in this relationship for almost 10 years, and have conditioned myself to believe that somehow I deserve this, and that I can't leave, whether it's out of fear or me telling myself I don't want to hurt him.

It seems like only a matter of 10 minutes can go by (or less) after a fight, and I'll be in the kitchen making him tea, or a f*****g sandwich or some BS. I've been choked, punched, slapped, kicked, pissed on, spat on, thrown into freezing cold showers - and somehow I rationalize it, for some f****d up reason, I tell myself I love him... As I type this though I am in tears because I realize how f*****g mental I must be to stay here. I've been called every name in the book - been accused of being a sociopath, narcissist, and cheating on him... and it usually ends up with me being hurt in the end.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived any of this. Of course I'm not innocent in all of this, I do have my problems, I do lie a lot about stupid things and I argue with him, even though that's probably the stupidest thing I can do.

I want to leave, but I'm scared, I'm terrified of his reaction when I call him up from work telling him I'm not coming home - I've tried leaving 3 times now, and each time I come back with the promise that things will get better.

Please tell me that im worth more than this...

No one deserves to be treated in the ways you describe. That is abusive. Even if you were triggering some kind of bad reaction, it should never, ever get physical. One who truly loves you would try to work out a way to solve your relationship problems in a healthy, constructive way.

You need to leave for your own safety. But, I know that is hard to do alone. You need some support. You need to find a domestic abuse support group/agency that can assist and guide you. Online encouragement is not enough.

I wish you the best. Get out before things escalate further. I don't personally have experience with this kind of abuse, but I have seen it in my extended family. Please keep yourself safe and get to a place where you can realistically assess your situation and figure out what you need to do next.

My husband does not physically assault me but he is abusive and damaged. I know I would be better off without him, that he is always going to hurt me and that I will never be happy to stay with him, he will never change. I am also afraid to leave him because I think he might kill me and our kids if I tried, as he has PTSD, and is quite messed up. He talks about leaving me but I know he is playing games and testing me, so I do talk about it with him but am afraid to 'pull the trigger' because he is a pathological liar and I just cannot believe anything he says. I am trying to find ways to get rid of him that won't risk my kids. I might be able to get him to leave me.
He has suffered a lot and been hurt and had a horrible life which wasn't his fault. This makes it hard for me to hurt him as well. I know he is suffering nightmares every night and does work hard and try to support us, but then he walks all over us and blames us for every problem he has ever had. This war goes on inside me. Should I be selfish and hurt him more just to make my life easier or should I spend the rest of my life suffering at his hands because of crimes other people committed against him?
People just don't understand how hard this is. Not that I generally tell anyone, but each time I did tell, I would be told to get out, can't help him and am throwing my life away for nothing.
I do know this is correct.
Once my daughter came crying to me that she really gets hurt to see me so unhappy and not caring about myself, and even though I still don't, I am trying to change my approach. I am trying to remind myself of who I used to be and become that again. I want to set a better example for her. My kids also suffer because of him and It is getting harder to see our being together as something I can stand facing for much longer.
It is easier to tell you than myself, I think, but you do need to get out. You are being physically assaulted, and that is worse than what I am going through because you could get permanently damaged or dead. If he hurts you and does not feel regretful enough to STOP, then there is nothing good you are doing him, just hurting him more. He is damaged and needs help and all you are doing is giving him more reason to hate himself. He may never get healed regardless of what you do, but leaving things the way they are is just going to feed the monster inside him and you really will be throwing your life away for nothing.
You may not feel any care for yourself these days, I don't know, but you can take a leap of faith and say that this episode in your life can end and maybe if you give yourself a chance, you can become something you never really thought you could - a regular woman who might find peace, a purpose, and maybe even someone to love her without a truckload of accompanying fear and pain.
But for goodness sake, get help because they are most dangerous just after they realise they might lose you. Take no risk, do not give him warning, just find a shelter that deals with this and they will guide you on how to end it safely.
I promise, after you have been out of it long enough, the turmoil in your head will start to settle and you will eventually get to a point when you will weep, not that you left him, but that you waited so long to do it.