Daughter never wants to fail ! !

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This is about my 8-yr-old NT.

In a nutshell, she never ever wants to fail at anything. AT ALL. If something seems hard or if there is a chance that she might fail, she gives up / stops working at it, for fear that she might end up failing.

My husband grew up playing chess and won district level tournaments as a teen and young adult. He is eager to teach her chess and maybe help her go further than he did, as he sees real potential in her. His sister played & won "blind chess" tournaments (which is even more challenging than regular chess) and she told me the same thing, too.

My daughter can play chess now, but after losing a few initial games with her teenaged cousin has now decided that she is "no good" and will never play chess again, not even computer simulated games. My brother wrote a simple app that teaches kids to play and can simulate some "low level" games to build up their confidences, and she won't go anywhere near it, even though it isn't a real person, just an app ! !

This is also the same with music (she has a lovely singing voice, even if I do say so myself) but got angry after a recent recital when the other kid she sang with got - according to her - more "kudos" than she did. It wasn't the case at all. It seems to me that she is highly competitive and must win at all times. Well, life doesn't work that way. We want to nurture her skills and we truly think she has great potential and a lot of talent in the performing arts, especially, but don't know how to tackle this fear of "failure" / "ultra competitiveness".

Plus, our energies are sapped by the intense demands of working with our lower functioning, nonverbal boy that we just don't have a lot of time on our hands to spend on her as well (unfortunate but true). This was a kid who taught herself to read and wrote her first poem at 4 but I fear that the "all or nothing attitude" will eventually do her in.

Please, any advise on how to help her would be gratefully appreciated. I especially want to nurture her chess playing skills for obvious reasons.

Last edited by HisMom on 28 Apr 2014, 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Does she have any "special interests?" Even NT's have "special interests."

You could teach persistence through the "special interest," I believe.

She'll probably grow out of her inability to be persistent.

PS: I know this is the Woman's Forum, and I'm a man--so forgive me my transgression.

Her special interest is video games.

Only thing I can think to say is not to push her. Its human nature to reject force. She's going to have her own interests, best thing is to nurture those. Does it really matter if she doesn't want to finish something that isn't overly important, so long as she sticks with the things that are? I can understand family traditions.. but its like the dad wanting to hand down the family business to the kid that wants to be a pro surfer. Square peg, round hole. She is who she is, love her.

I guess that's true for all kids today LOL.

I would guess that's she's also interested in singing--perhaps American Idol or something of that ilk? Maybe get her a biography of Kelly Clarkson or somebody like that?

I know Bobby Fischer's a bad example LOL....Maybe you could get a biography of him, or of an inspirational female chess champion.

She could read those biographies on her own time. Maybe the message will filter through--that it takes practice and persistence to succeed.

I think age will mellow her out, too.

While playing tournament chess runs in her father's family, it is not a "tradition" by any stretch of the imagination. Plus, it isn't that she has no interest or ability. She does, but her REAL problem is a fear of failure. That is the only reason she avoids chess or singing or dancing etc -- not because she does not want to, but because she is afraid that she will fail.

As for sticking with the things that do matter ? Do you mean her education ? That is another area of concern, too. One difficult to answer homework question, and the entire homework gets tossed aside. It is BECAUSE we love her and want her to tap into her abilities that I am posting here.

I hope it does. But as she gets older, her personality is starting to show. And I am seriously worried by what I see at this point of time.

I didn't imply that you don't love her, just saying love her for who she is sifting through who she wants to be.

If she needs discipline what about martial arts of some form? They teach self: respect, strength, centering, etc. Would she be interested in that? Could you get her to try it?

Yes, I should look into martial arts. Maybe karate. I am really worried about her.

I am just like your daughter, and I think the best thing would be to reduce the pressure. Parents tend to give lots of compliment and incentive when those low confident demand avoidant kids try something new or win. I believe this is the wrong attitude. Instead, they should shift the attention away from either winning or losing, doing it right or wrong. Because if we get compliments for doing it right then we receive more attention and feel more pressure, things that may inhibit us.
just like in this supernanny episode (I love those shows!) where the girl wouldn't eat. Guess what? Nanny gave advice for the parents to stop giving total attention to whether she was eating or not and do an activity while eating, like picknick. It worked. Also they gave her her own eating table (creating her own niche).
So, find "her" activity and stop sayings like "go on and try!" or "you did it, see?". Instead don't show you are paying attention to the outcomes or how she is doing, and shift attention to other stuff like the process. This is my personal experience at least. for instance, I play basketball and in the other team people incentivized me, but guess what? It did the contrary effect as I felt pressured. In this new team people don't pay attention to whether I did it right or not, whether I won or not (just some occasional tips and compliments), so I feel tons more comfortable to try new things!

If she's not interested in chess right now then leave it. I know she has a talent and her dad sees potential but she's 8 years old and I think she should be able to do what she enjoys hobby-wise. If she finds the competitive nature of chess and the fact that sometimes you lose offputting then shouldn't that be her choice? Some people enjoy competitive games and some don't and it's only natural that she would be a bit put off after losing a game. She might get into it again after a break or maybe not. If she doesn't even want to play non competitively then that would just tell me she's not that into it for now. It sounds like a lot of pressure for an 8 year old tbh.

It's funny how people have picked up on the chess thing as though that is the issue. That's not the issue, it's just an example to show that she doesn't deal well with the idea of failure, so much so that it stops her from partaking in activities she might otherwise enjoy such as singing or any thing else.

I thought Linatet's answer was good advice.

I was like this when I was young. I'd rather not try at all than try and fail. Looking back, part of the problem was black and white thinking: if you're not the best, you might as well be the worst. A LOT had to do with other people. If they praised someone for getting first place, I couldn't be happy with second. And if someone SAW me in the process of learning something or competing before I was the best and, God forbid, make a mistake, that was catastrophic. Especially if they said something condescending like, "hey, keep trying, you'll get it."

I don't really know how I got over it, or if I really did entirely. One thing that might help is if she sees someone in the family learn a new skill set , and witness all the stumbling and mistakes and embarrassments that go with it. That way, she'll at least see how all these things pay off in the end.

Yes, we try not to emphasize that she do well etc.

The other thing is that she wants to be the top dog ALWAYS. THAT is just as concerning to me. In a team sport like lacrosse or hockey, it does not matter who performs the best, as long as the team wins. She just doesn't seem to get it. She has a lovely, rich, musical voice and she got angry after the recital because she felt that the other little girl got all the accolades. This wasn't true at all, and was her faulty perception. Both girls sang a difficult piece and did extremely well, so of course, people were going to crowd around and congratulate both of them, not just her.

So, it is not just a fear of failure, but also the fear of being "second best" -- which I am EXTREMELY concerned about. Life will be hard for her if she does not learn to cooperate and work as / in a team.

I am at my wits' end. Both my kids drive me crazy, but in different ways.

I think, to an extent, not wanting to be second best is normal to a degree. My daughter used to struggle with not winning at games so we started giving a prize for who was the best sport. I also think it's normal to go off something for a while if you have a bad experience.

Read, "Mindset", by Carol Dweck.