Living with undiagnosed autism has taken a toll.

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I will be 41 in less than a week & I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow to discuss an autism diagnosis for the first time ever. I'm ready to give up. I don't see the point in existing. This has been a long time coming. If it wasn't for my cats & my fear of screwing up killing myself, I would have committed suicide a long time ago. I have often put myself in sketchy situations because I just do not care. Thank you for giving me a place to share.

I have written about this before on WrongPlanet.net insofar as autistic adults are "survivors." Those of us of a certain age (too old to have been diagnosed even as a child at the time) had to learn to do for ourselves despite the fury of insults, ridicule, hostilities, medical doctors whose knowledge of autism is what little they read in a journal ... once, coworkers' failed attempts to help out, friends who mean well initially only to be found missing after a few weeks or months, family members who don't quite understand and end up showing more anger than kindness, and friends from college who vanish when you call them for a "chat." And yet, we have succeeded the best as we could and anyone might expect if they had been in the same situation.

So, we survivors have learned to claim our successes, and plant our flags, when and where we have done the best we can despite the odds.

Don't criticize yourself. You are a survivor to have made it this far on your own. Congratulate yourself, and look forward to making your life your own. If that include autism, embrace it and make it yours. You have been through much, much worse, right? From here on, it gets better!

@hobojungle:
If you feel like you are in danger of harming yourself please don't hesitate to contact your local suicide prevention hotline. I understand what you are going through, at this point in my life an official diagnose would be unnecessary because there is little that can be done now(altgough I was diagnosed with hyperactive disorder and pdd when I was in 1st grade and moved to a special school). Usually the system looks at support in independent living skills or accommodations in a work setting and since I do not need it, a diagnosis will not help me in life.
I don't know if you are in the same boat, but there are agencies that kind give you support in work and living areas.
I wish you well and I agree with the last posters statement, us older higher functioning people lived through the "dark ages" of high functioning autism.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm feeling ok now. The psych increased my dose of buspirone from 10 mgs/2x/day to 15mg/2x/day. She offered to increase the duloxetine, but in the end we decided to adjust one thing at a time. I feel like it's more anxiety that is pushing me to the edge than depression. Not that depression helps. I'll call her in a month to check in. I'm grateful for tools. My long-term goal is to not rely on prescription medication, which may or may not happen. In the meantime, she is supportive of me pursuing an understanding of whether or not I may be autistic & contacted a colleague who is more informed on the matter.

ME too! I'm 31. I wanted to ask God for help, but then thought I was a hypocrite and got in a religious debate with myself...LOL.

I was feeling sucidal, but I remember a time when I was diagnosed with Asperger's and came here. My mom invalidated my diagnosis at 24- probably her own denial. I feel like this is my home. I finally have a tribe. I finally understand why I don't have "friends". It's not something I can intuitively.

Your cats need you! I'm sorry you feel alone. I've been there with zero hope! It's just the depression talking, it's not your highest or true self thinking those thoughts. It's years of abuse and hardship that causes those negative thoughs. Please don't lose hope!

Thank you alltheabove.

Things suck in completely different ways since last I wrote. I live with my parents now. The truth is, I don't think I could have lived alone anymore. I'm feeling burned out. I'm not working. I don't want to work a traditional job with coworkers. I want to be self-employed. I've been practicing drawing a little with the thought of turning that into a job in the near-distant future.