Trying to assure myself I don't really have Asperger's

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Hi. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and hopefully writing this post will help me let it go a bit.

I probably don't have Asperger's. I am certain that if I asked people who know me, they'll say that I don't. I do have ADHD, and maybe I have slight autistic tendencies, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't qualify as being autistic.

But then I read accounts of women who have ASD (I'm female) and I start getting a little freaked out about how similar they are to me. WTF? Then I read detailed lists of behaviors of autistic girls, and memories come back to me of things I did as a kid. I am well acquainted with the ability of the mind to retroactively construct false memories. Maybe that's what's going on? Or, if they're not false memories, then it could be a case of selectively amplifying the ones that fit - in effect, confirmation bias. I just have no idea.

I keep coming back to this question: what does it matter? Am I having any problems right now? Well, I don't know, am I? Probably not, if I'm asking that question. I have great skill for blending in, smiling and nodding, etc. When I read that women with ASD are "chameleon-like," this describes me to a tee. But this is such a useful trait! If I can be a mirror for person A and also for person B, and if both persons A and B have a disagreement, I can usually be an intermediary. I am patient and empathetic with people, as long as they don't ask me to decide things for them. Surely these are not traits of someone with mild autism?

I am lucky enough to be in a great profession that I'm well suited for (software engineering). Because the market for this profession is currently very good, when I switched jobs recently, I was able to choose the job offer that was more socially comfortable - only six people in the company (which is less overwhelming), all of whom I got along well with. I go through the day doing my best to focus and get useful stuff done, stay out of the way, and then go home. After work I'm exhausted and usually get in bed and read. On weekends I work on my own projects. All in all I'm a pretty happy camper.

I'm an independent adult and I can operate however the heck I want (more or less). No one bugs me about living alone, not having/wanting boyfriends, wearing sufficiently comfortable clothes, arranging my bed in a certain way without sheets, not going out on weekends, not conforming to whatever trends are going on - stuff like that. I have an intense interest but I definitely do not speak about it to anyone; it would most likely be regarded as silly and grandiose. I just think about it on my own and read about it on the bus and work on it at home. Who cares if these are kind of similar to autistic traits, when I know how to handle them, I'm happy, and it's not affecting other people?

There's only one major problem right now. I am in a community orchestra, and sometimes the music we play affects me very much. Afterwards, I will get into a weird "high" state. (Disclaimer: having never been high, this might be the wrong term to use.) I'll feel a bit of weird buzzing, much heightened awareness, and much heightened physical responses to things. When I drive home, it takes a lot of concentration to keep from swerving out of the lane on the highway and to keep from speeding. Honestly, I think this is the time during the week when my probability of dying is the highest, and it scares me. But I think this more related to ADHD than to autism. I'm not totally sure.

Anyway, I think it helped to just get this all out in writing. I debated where to put it - I suppose this forum is OK. Sorry that most of the sentences here start with "I". Usually it repulses me to do that. But this is the most frank thing I've written in a very long time.

Question for other people: should I just put this out of my mind and carry on with life? Or should I investigate this more? For people who were "on the fence" about investigating autism, was it worth it to continue - did it change things for the better? In the event that I do have slight autism but don't do anything about it, will my life be OK or will this cause unforeseen problems in the future?

I relate to pretty much everything you wrote. I don't see the point in getting a diagnosis for myself. I am employed, in my 30s and live a self-sufficient life. I don't think my doctor would see the point in obtaining an official diagnosis.

The only significantly different thing about me is that I don't do friendships the way that more social people do and I feel like I get left out a lot. I've pretty much given up on finding a boyfriend. The only people that bother me about it are my aunts who say: "haven't you met anyone yet?" Like it's a goal I must fulfil.

All I can say is that I get on well with other people who feel they have autistic traits and I like this forum, I find it intereresting and it has helped me learn a lot about myself and it has helped me to become more understanding towards the quirks of other people.

So stick around and participate in the forum and go with the flow. That's my advice.

Music makes me high too, although I've never taken drugs, I know what you mean. It's just exhilerating.

I can definitely relate, but I am not self-sufficient and I know that if I had to be, I'd be failing. I get by because I am married and my husband has a job that makes it possible for me to stay at home. But I have huge issues with ADHD related problems. I didn't know ADHD was like this; I had always seen it used as an excuse for bad behavior. I have a lot of autistic traits, but I can see now how the ADHD stuff interacts with those traits. The ADHD and my own emotions and circumstances can play up or mask those traits. I am going to be evaluated by a neuropsychologist soon Lord willing; my therapist wants me to do that for my own peace of mind. I have spent most of my "conscious" life thinking I was bipolar, stupid, or going to lose my mind some day, courtesy of OCD thoughts. I also want to be checked for other things that might be there so that nothing is missed so there can be better accuracy so I will have less room for worry and doubt afterwards.

It's nice to know I am not crazy for getting a weird high off certain things.