Female Aspie traits vs. female NT traits

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It seems like a lot of "female aspie traits" are also common in NT females. That's kind of been bothering me because I have a lot of "female aspie traits", but a lot of the autism treatments don't work on me. I also don't feel like I get along with most aspies I meet in real life. Even the female aspies. I believe that I've been misdiagnosed with autism, but I keep hearing that autism is underdiagnosed in women.

I'm sorry, but I don't quite know what you're talking about with female aspie-related traits and NT women having similarities. Could you point out some?

I'd also like to learn more about female aspie traits that are also common in NT females.

Of course female Aspie traits are common in NT females, we are the same species! But I agree that the difficulty accurately diagnosing women has led to some issues with labeling too many things Aspie traits that may be when taken together, but are not necessarily when taken in isolation.

You may have been misdiagnosed, I'd have no way to know. I thought it must be a mistake at first because I didn't think I fit every detail. And if it didn't follow the rules it couldn't be so. Apparently the psychologist felt the discretion about whether I fit was his not mine. And that I completely fit the rules. So ok, after a long time disagreeing, I realized it's a waste of time to be stuck on labeling. At least for me it's a waste of time to stay stuck on it. Sometimes I still wonder, but as people have said, perseveration about this is a very Aspie trait.

I'm sure many if not most people will disagree with me, but I feel the ASD label isn't primarily about how we see or should see ourselves it's about finding our place in the world and who and what other people see us as. Meaning why should I or anyone primarily label ourself as abnormal inside our head rather than normal and trying to fit into a strange world. Maybe that's a selfish point of view, but you know, I just really wish the world was more straightforward. And if people need to pidgeonhole me as a female Aspie otherwise I'm a stupid, difficult, obnoxious b**** than I'd much rather be a nice, sweet, thoughtful, and intelligent female Aspie than a dumb b****. If you have another choice how you're seen, that's great! Go for it!! But sooner or later despite every effort to follow the rules, fit in, and be appropriate, people see something about me that strikes them as weird, scary, or unfriendly. They don't normally say so directly, but eventually it catches up with you if that's how people see you. And if you find a niche where you can make It work, the label won't matter and can disappear into the past if you let it with you being a slightly quirky person just like anyone else.

I'm sure you have plenty of NT traits. Whether you are overall primarily NT or Aspie shouldn't determine who you are.

I reckon this is going to sound incredibly patronising and I don't know how to make it sound less so...but here goes.

At 18 (if that's your real age): you are figuring yourself out. You are finding out who you are. Never mind labels.

You will be a lot like 'most people' in some ways and 'more unique' in others. Over time you'll find a way to make this more comfortable, both by accepting yourself and by hopefully learning to accept others being themselves - learning who makes you feel validated and who doesn't.

This isn't an easy process for anyone. And you will change over time. Hopefully. And for the better, but in a way that feels true to you.

No one really thinks I'm autistic. The people who think I'm autistic think so because they know about my label and aren't the type of person that questions labels. I'm not sure if they're being polite, but a lot of people that know about my label say that I don't look autistic. Even on my bad days when I'm worried about my voice being monotone. Some people even outright deny my label. So far it seems like the majority of people don't percieve me as autistic. I think I'm mainly obsessed about this because this label has really affected my life and I have OCD. I'm also extremely bored most of the time so I have time to obsess about stupid stuff.

Well it seems to me that if you're not on the spectrum and don't bring up the issue with anyone this should go away in a short time of being away from the people who know about the label.

you don't look like an aspie? Really? I didn't know there was a look that we all had to fit in with. I look sort of like my mother, tbh. I didn't believe I was aspie for a long time, till I was removed from my comfy routine and then- bam. Maybe you just are at a comfortable place and coping well right now. Enjoy it.

There seems to be an old-school approach to Asperger's that says it is an "extreme male brain." You know, obsessions with trains and such.

But now there's a recognition that ASD is more complex, and women can manifest differently. So obsessing/preservating about socially appropriate female things could even make a female aspie look like an "extreme female." Like, super into Jane Austen heroines or whatever.

Personally, I'm more persuaded by the idea that most aspie men are slightly more gentle and shy ("female brain") and most aspie women are a little more logical and frank ("male brain"). But I haven't met many aspie men!

I think no one knows the full range of ASDness, though. So, the list of traits nonsense is really there just to move the pendulum back from the old stereotypes, not to serve as criteria for diagnosis. That is a whole other bag of tricks.

You're you, not a "type." I think the ASD diagnosis give you more freedom to be that YOU and to accept yourself. No need to fit anyone's list of what is expected from you, either NT or aspie.

Thats been my observation. All the Aspie guys (like me) I know get along better with women although they tend to hide it since women are sadly still seen as "weak" and inferior by many in our society. Conversely the Aspie girls might look and dress female but tend to have exclusively male friends.

I am 6'6" and a hot head but there is no doubt I am both gentle and shy. I am also highly skilled with dealing with babies and toddlers and am quite emotional. While I am straight and male I have to admit I almost feel subconsciously female: far from an "extreme male brain!" I actually went to see a movie with 8 women and felt very comfortable with it.

Thanks -- that an interesting perspective.

As an aspie woman, I find it is so much easier to get along with men than with women. Most of my friends are women, but they are like me and more like geeky boys than they are mainstream women. Which is awesome.

I do not think that 'lot of autism treatments working or not working' on you would rule out the presence of autism. They do not know enough about it to have such dependable treatments. They have not established the cause and it is variable among people, so I would not take that to prove anything.
Getting along with other aspies also does not prove anything. Again, we are variable and I am sure some of us are very difficult to get along with for anyone. That is part of our charm.
I find females more difficult to get along with in general. I don't see why aspie females would necessarily be easier than NT females. Maybe we'd have a bit more understanding about each others' problems, but we could still not get along.
It took me a while to wrap my head around the diagnosis, but over time I have come to understand what it means and it has helped me to feel more comfortable with my place in the world. I do not think it is a big deal at all now. I am what I am and it's fine with me.
Not that I am trying to convince you that your diagnosis is right or wrong, just don't let it distress you without other reason.