Aspergers? Pick up social cues but don't understand them!

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Ok... I am female, late 20's, thinking I might have aspergers.

It is complicted by the fact that I have depression and anxiety, which seems to be from various traumatic experiences and feeling like I didn't fit in/was fundamentally unworthy, which made smaller things traumatic for me. I have memories of feeling like people were cross with me, saw me as 'a diffcult child', yet I tried so hard to be good and felt frustrated and misunderstood. I've always been incredibly sensitive though have tried (fairly unsuccessfully) to hide it, as I was expected to by others ('difficult child', 'attention-seeking', 'making a fuss about nothing'). I feel I need to analyse others' behaviour so I can understand it/predict it and don't accidentally get hurt or make a 'mistake'. For this reason I find it deeply distressing and unsettling if people seem inconsistent in their values/actions. I've been diganosed in the past with Borderline Personality Disorder, athough I don't fit any 'dramatic' traits like severe self-harm, repeted suicide attempts etc., and disputed the diagnosis. I have been accused of being manipulative (not that that's actually a BPD symptom, but people think it is!) even though I've not been, and always try to do the best for people. I've tended to be too much of a people pleaser, in fact. I've found my experiences of the psychiatric system to be traumatising due to feeling utterly misunderstood, blamed for struggling/feeling depressed/overwhelmed, just generally wound up with their (in my view) twisted, illogical and compassionless version of reality. And the untoward experiences that has brought (being verbally abused when suicidal, being held in police cells, etc). I'm seeing a therapist (privately, NHS say I'm too complex/won't engage [aka 'submit']) to deal with the trauma/anxiety/depression side of things.

So... yeh. Anyway, in various googlings over the last few years I keep running into ASD stuff. One thing was a description of a meltdown, the sensory overload and the shame when people think you're doing it on purpose. It sounded like me. Yesterday I found a list (connected to this forum!) of female aspergers traits and I fitted almost every one.

Thing is, I did the 'Mind In The Eyes' test and scored exceptionally highly. As I recall, I only got two wrong. The funny thing as, one of the answers was that the man was supposedly showing 'hostility', whereas I'd selected 'fear'. Now surely, people act hostile because they are frightened. So by this measure I am even less autistic than the person who made the test! Or alternatively, perhaps this shows I am processing something on an intellectual level (ie. I've reasoned it through to some degree) even though it feels like a split second judgement. Whereas NT's might be expected to instinctively just see 'hostility'. If that makes any sense?

I realise there are a lot of criticisms of this particular test, so it may be meaningless, however, I seem to be good at reading people in real life too. In fact, in therapy I've come to realise just how much I pick up on little cues from people, and tend to obey them automatically (less so now!) So I will notice instantly if I upset or offend someone, or something like that. The thing is, I generally wouldn't have expected them to be upset/offended/whatever, and need them to explain what I've done wrong. I mean, I'll apologise instantly and feel guilty, I just won't really know what I'm apologising for. (It bugs me so much that people think I'm oversensitive or illogical - but they are too! It's just that they're all illogical in the same way!) Sometimes I sort of know what I've done 'wrong', and can add it too my future 'how to act' knowledge, but I feel a massive sense of injustice and unfairness because I don't think it actually is wrong. Importantly, I don't think I could have predicted from the person's apparent behaviour and values that they'd think it was wrong, either.

I feel like I want to take people to task on this; but only dare with very good friends who don't mind explaining. I can explain some stuff in my own head too; it's just that it often comes down to the fact that humans have denial and cognitive dissonance to protect their egos and psyches, somehow (which I guess is why people would rather fling around blame and things than face understanding). To me, understanding, clarity, and truth are important, with compassion and cuddles helping the parts that are sensitive and difficult to face.

There's also an element that's to do with group behaviour, which I don't seem to relate to the same way as others. I actually had someone explain to me a few months ago that someone was being (imo) unfair and treating me in a way I wouldn't expect this person to, because they had a loyalty to someone else that affected how they related to me. To me, that wouldn't have made a difference. I have had friends who don't like each other, I've counselled both halves of split couples before... it just requires honesty to say "ok, I'm keeping what you both say in confidence, and not engaging in 'bitching' just understanding/ a listening ear". This is another thing - people tend to open up to me. I get the impression that scares them a little and they push me away after, slightly. It's difficult to explain. Anyway, with this thing that happened and another friend explaining the loyalty stuff, I felt frightened and wound up that it seemed to mean 'truth' is just the side with the most people on, or the people who have known each other longest, regardless of actual rights and wrongs of the situation! Ended up looking up studies of group behaviour - did you know that administering oxytocin (the 'bonding' hormone) means the in-group are more co-operative with each other, but still not with the outgroup? That annoys me bigtime - humans are irrational and lack compassion... I hate to think of lonely people left out.

Anyway, so, I guess I'm after thoughts on:
(1) Do you think this could be aspergers? Bearing in mind...
(2) Does what I describe sound like aspergers in a female who's 'learnt' social interaction? Or something else?
(3) Thoughts on the Baron-Cohen 'Mind In The Eyes' test also welcome - especially the hostility/fear thing I mentioned.

I'm not "officially" diagnosed but I have scored highly on every autism-related test out there...except the "Mind in the Eyes" one. I have taken it a few times and scored sometimes just slightly low, sometimes normal.

The truth is that test is really not that great for adults with Aspergers. I remember reading a study on autistic kids that said they can learn to read facial expressions if they are slowed down...and we have had ample time to learn the basic ones, through movies, pictures, life experience, whatever. And the ones in the test are really basic. They don't cover minute differences, which are crucial to understanding in the adult world. To make an analogy to foreign languages: this is a French 2 test but we've been living in France our whole lives. We can do the basics, but that doesn't mean we can speak like a native.

Anyway, that's my take.

As to the rest of it, I suggest taking all the tests out there; this blog does a great job of explaining the tests and all that if you haven't seen it yet: http://musingsofanaspie.com/aspie-tests/

If you score highly on all the others, then you could consider talking to a professional to get diagnosed. Or you could just accept it for yourself. It's taken me about five months to read about it and observe myself to figure out what I think. I told my mother and husband a while ago about what I was thinking and they both agreed I have Aspergers (mom had been trying to tell me for over a year now, but I hadn't picked up on her hinting).

I've been learning a lot about myself in the process and trying different strategies to deal with my problems. That is another kind of "test." I also thought I had BPD (and my therapist agrees I have many of the traits) but the treatment for that does NOT work for me at all. BPD-related traits seem to be fairly common for aspie women -- I know I have serious issues with being judged and abandoned and overreact to these...I also get very uncomfortable when I make friends or people get to know me and just want to get away from them. Classic BPD emotional nonsense, which drives my logical aspie brain up the wall! But rather than feeling like two people, it's more like two sides of the same coin: my vague feeling of rejection and being "different" (and being bullied!) as a child has given me some PTSD-type social reactions. I know now where these irrational reactions come from and that I need to manage them around other people and find a way to work them out away from others, so I can stay calm enough to express myself in a socially appropriate way. (And did I mention I'm a demanding perfectionist? Another trait to manage around others.)

At the end of the day only you will know for sure if this resonates. What really clinched it for me was the way everyone on this forum writes like I think. I don't have to pretend here. That's nice.

Good luck, and please keep us posted about your journey. It can help people in your position later to read up on what you're thinking as you go through this.

I´m diagnosed and I have scored high too.
As someone in here once said: It is easy enough to study and translate a still, but in the real world expressions change rapidly and with lots of micro expressions in between. That is quite another matter.

My take on your story is that yes, you are autistic/lady with Asperger's Syndrome (like me) and one of your special interests is people/understanding people/relating to people.

People with Asperger's Syndrome can learn all that non-verbal communication stuff--if and only if Interpersonal Relationships or a related field is his or her special interest.

For an Introverted Aspie that has learned primarily from people that people are cruel, difficult to understand, and more often than not "not really worth the effort," it's easier to learn things like Animal Behavior, Anatomy and Physiology, and the intricacies of fantasy worlds like Narnia, Middle Earth and Harry Potter's Wizarding World.

(I speak of my own special interests, in case that wasn't obvious).

I can relate to many of the op's experiences. However, I gave up on people other than the most forgiving members of my own family and church a couple of decades ago. Now that I've discovered the label "Asperger's Syndrome" and seen how it explains most of my own life struggles, I notice all those social cues a lot more than I ever used to. But I still don't understand them. I want to ask questions and learn what on earth they mean--but I'm told that none of it can be explained outside of direct observation and context. So unless I had a "mentor" that would shadow me as I navigate through the intricacies of my workplace interactions, I'm still s.o.o.l. on developing an understanding of those social cues.

I just go with basic assumption that I'm weird, everyone who interacts with me for more than 25 minutes will realize that I'm weird, and I let them decide whether it's worth it to them to decide I'm worth understanding, tolerating and/or befriending, or a freak they'd rather avoid. Either way's fine with me. Just please don't persecute me for things I don't choose and can't help. I'm really not doing on purpose. Yes I'm a freak, but I promise: I'm mostly harmless.