possible friend or FOE, I can't tell! help! only girlfriend

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So I am so confused right now. I have known this girl for about 2 years now. She claims that she really doesn't talk to anyone on the phone, etc., although we met through a group she's a part of. She is very nice to me and we seem to hit it off immediately after meeting each other. She too has a kiddo on the spectrum who is friends with my son. We talk off and on and when she's stressed she calls me or writes me and says that she knows that whatever she's feeling, I will get it vs. other people who don't get it. I joke around with her and tell her that our kids are just like us. We have many things in common and I really like her. She is married, just as I am. She's really the only person where I live that I talk to, other than that, in reality I have no friends at all except my husband and son.

Now the problem. On a couple of occassions she has talked about her husband, just like all women do. You know, she's tired, he didn't do this or the other and I am always there to listen to her, but the two times I have said something about me being worn out, about my husband being pretty good but some things he just doesn't get, she stops talking to me. She literally stops sending me any messages, etc. for days and days. What's up with that? I wonder and I don't want to wonder, but I've had more than one girlfriend hit on my husband already. At the end I stop being friends because I get tired of them always talking about how sweet my husband is, when they don't live with him. I am not saying he is a horrible person, but he has ADHD and I have sacrificed a lot over the years that none of these women have ever done or would do.

Anyway, last year I invited her and her kids to an outing that I knew they could not afford to go to and they attended. It was my idea, I told my husband I was paying (I have my own money from my old job saved, etc). When it was all over she thanked my husband publicly. I didn't say anything, but felt a bit sad that she thanked him when it wasn't his idea and he wasn't the one paying. I assumed that it was because she thinks since he works and I don't, that he paid...so I let it go.

But now again the fact that she calls me and we can be friends, when she sees my husband she is always nice to him and he is nice to her (no, he likes her as a friend but not his type...), but as soon as I say something about him or me being tired she disconnects completely makes me wonder if she's really not my friend. I hate feeling this way and think I am being paranoid, but the story is so similar to the other girls, that I just can't help but wonder.

I thought she was on the spectrum as she doesn't look people in the eye, does many things that I do, etc...and her son is autistic, but now I wonder if there is more and I trusted her too much just because I thought she was more like me.

Anyone here have any idea? I thought maybe she just didn't know how to respond because she knows my husband and maybe her communication skills aren't the best, but I know her husband too and can listen to her complain about him and that doesn't make me like him any less...I understand that sometimes we are just tired and need to vent, but it's like I can't ever vent about my husband without her doing the disappearing act. Am I being paranoid?

When you mean "disconnected", do you mean that she literally blows you off or hangs up on you as soon as you start complaining about your husband ?

Or is it that she listens to you but does not offer any words of support when you do, whereas you always have something warm and supportive to tell her when she's down ?

Most of the time we talk online, through messages...we can send each other messages all day long, sometimes a few, sometimes many...everytime we answer each other, but as soon as I mention my husband, I hear nothing back for days until I write her about something else maybe or she does...but she never responds to those messages at all.

Could be anything.

Discussing a friend's spouse with her is like walking on a minefield. With some people --they may be complaining about their husband to you but they don't want you to say anything negative about him, and, if you do, may resent you for it. Or if you try to present them the spouse's POV, then you may get accused of being a bad "friend" or, even worse, of hitting on their spouse (which you just suspect of her).

Or it could just be that she does not know how to respond (especially if she has enough social challenges herself to not know what is, and what is not, normal in relationships). So she thinks that silence is golden and does not continue the conversation.

Or she - as you said - could be actively disagreeing with you about your complaints of him, and therefore does not respond to your messages in that regard.

Doesn't necessarily mean that she is a foe -- just that she is not someone that you should be discussing your husband with.

If it really bothers you a lot, just ask her about it and seen what she says.

PS : although you invited her, she publicly thanked only him without mentioning you ? That was not very nice of her at all. I won't be paying for any outings for her anymore. Ungrateful twit ! !!

Thanks...I keep thinking she just doesn't know what to say, but I guess I am there for her when she complains, so I somewhat expect for her to be there for me too. I never say anything bad about her husband, I normally just tell her "oh, yeah, it's hard, I know what that's like...mine does that sometimes too...drives me nuts" or something like that, but nothing bad, etc. I guess I am hypervigilant because I have seen this same thing over and over with other so-called girlfriends of mine, who later start pushing the limits. Yes, I had one who went from similar to this, to inviting my husband to a concert with her because she is "young and didn't have a date", so she thought it would be ok to invite my husband, not me, to a concert with her. Another who later said to me once "oh, I'm wearing this, I think my boobs show a bit much, but your husband is not much of a boob man, is he"? I thought both of those were highly inappropriate. It seems like the story of my life, single women I know or women in bad relationships who end up telling me such things after befriending me and my husband. I didn't see it for a while, but then some of my good male friends would tell me "hey, your friend isn't really your friend...look at what she is doing".

Anyway, I will stay calm for a while and see if I can talk to her about it...thanks!

Ugh... I wouldn't describe those women as "friends". AND you seem to have exhibited a lot of patience (and restraint) than I ever would have. I can't believe that she asked your husband out to a concert, and lived to tell the tale !

If you are seeing a particular pattern emerge over and over again, then I would also suggest not socializing as a couple with anyone (including other couples) in the early days of getting to know your new "friends". There is no reason why he has to meet all your acquaintances and vice-versa, especially in the beginning. Give your friendships time to develop and grow, and only introduce your "friends" to your hubby or socialize as a couple, *after* you've determined that your "friends" have some integrity. It appears that you are assuming that mere acquaintances are "friends" and introducing them to your guy, not realizing that they don't have any respect for you or your marriage. Take it slow.

Also, I have learned not to b1tch about my husband with people in real life. It is safer and better to do that on anonymous internet forums for housewives, where no one knows you or him, but are all pretty much sailing along in the same boat.

That just works out so much better -- you get your vents, lots of empathy, some good advise, and you don't have to deal with any judgmental nonsense at all from people that you know in real life. There *are* other annoyed wives out there in the vast reaches of cyber space who will willingly commiserate with you.

I will pm some message boards that you might like. Get thee there, sign up and vent away. People will be empathetic on those forums, even if they don't have any advise for you. Hey, at the very least, no one will be asking you if your man is a "boob guy" ! (Seriously, where on EARTH do you find these idiots ?)

Thanks for your suggestions, PS I have no idea how I end up with such people in my life

Your friend probably does not know how to respond to messages about your husband. She maybe one of those people who enjoy talking about their problems and could go on. Yet when you bring up a certain issue they respond with one word or one sentence. Do not take it personal though. If you enjoy being her friend and if she feels the same way, then continue being her friend.

Thank you. In the last few weeks I have noticed even more that she is probably on the spectrum and the fact that even she says she hasn't really ever had a girlfriend to talk to about stuff makes me think she really just has no clue how to react.

I've had friends like her. That is a very unbalanced friendship. Be cautious. Don't spend money or more energy than she does on you.

A little bit of selfishness helps. I know you want to reach out and relate to someone else, but don't do it at the expense of your own mental well being and peace.

Even an emotional bond can tear at you and she's taking a lot in that department. Focus on you and your family and get a journal. You can even chat with some of the lovely people here if that's what you want.

If you think the friendship with her is worth it, you may have to suck it up and ask her what is her problem. I hate playing the game of wondering what's going on with the other person. It's straight forward and if she answers, you will no longer feel as paranoid. I feel that if you can spend money on a person, you can ask them about their suspicious behavior towards you.