Do you have a red flag list?

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My Mom told me this week that she thinks it would be better for me to avoid being involved with men (indefinitely), because I am a terrible judge of character in general, not just romantically.

While I must concede that this is true, I don't believe that avoidance for the rest of my life is healthy or practical.

A recent post by HisMom in another thread listed potentially abusive red flag traits, and it got me thinking that maybe other women (&men!) might have red flag lists for people in general too.

If you do, I would like to read them, as to put it simply the wisening up process is not occurring naturally for me at the pace I need it to! Please, no gender, personality disorder et al bashing

Last edited by Amity on 31 Oct 2015, 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Good topic!

My red flags include Abusive language, Alcoholism, Arrogance, Bigotry, Bullying, Drug addiction, Gun collection, poor Hygiene, Hypocrisy, Irresponsibility, Knife collection, Laziness, Lying, "Mooching", Nazi obsession, Obesity, Porn obsession, Prison record, Rage issues, Schizophrenia, Tattoos, Thievery, Tobacco use, Violence obsession, and constant Whining.

If you Google "domestic violence warning signs" you can find lists of character traits to watch out for in a potential partner. That's a good place to start.
Double-dating with a friend can also be a good way to go. After the date, you can ask your friend for their impressions. Make sure they're someone who will be honest with you, and not just complimentary.

Not really, my work has forced me to learn quite a lot about reading people so I just stay observant rather than snubbing everybody because they aren't Fnord... That said, never dated any neo nazis

Last edited by cberg on 31 Oct 2015, 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What does that mean?

For one thing, one of the nicest people I've ever known is Schizophrenic and quite reconciled with that. Also we don't have much obesity or weaponry where I live. A physicist friend of mine has a knife collection, tattoos & a criminology obsession - she never raised any red flags.

Moral of the story - I'm bonkers, so it's quite clear when I'm out of my element.

I never said those "Red Flags" indicated that a person was "Bonkers". The "Red Flags" I listed are simply associated with people that I am not equipped to deal with.

To me a red flag is a marker, a point to note, and that is as far as the stereotyping can be trusted without further enquiry. It isn't a blanket judgement.

Ah, I'd like to have a list for that... Although I think the primary factors in 'equipping' me were probably all those difficult people. Perhaps all I see are tie-dye flags

That seems to be the point. It isn't so much that a "Red Flag" means that the person showing it is any less of a person than you or I. It just means (to me, at least) to be on my guard, and to be ready to back off if more "Red Flags" start flying.

For me a big red flag is sexism--and not just in the guys I date but in the people (men and women) I choose as friends. I don't conform to out-moded ideas of how women are "supposed to" look and behave, so I know I would not be compatible with someone who thought men and women only look and behave certain prescribed ways according to toxic binary gender paradigms. Many of the abusive men and women I have known were sexist and their mixed up ideas about how men and women are supposed to behave often contributed to their abuse and manipulation, so it's something I try and avoid in my personal relationships. There are other indicators too, like a controlling nature and an inability apologise or admit fault, arrogance and disregard for the feelings and thoughts of others, callousness, extreme competitiveness. When I can think of more I will get back to you.

Fnord, I agree with you completely that any sign of substance abuse it a non-starter. I've avoided that in my dating life, thank God, but I've seen enough of it both within and outside of my own family that I am never going near it again.

My list of things is actually consists of positive features, like kindness, reciprocity of actions (I am not the one who always has to initiate contact, or who does all the driving etc.), a good sense of humor, common interests...must like dogs...

That's a two way street, drugs alone probably shouldn't be seen as a reason to ostracize anyone. Truthfully anything beyond a bit of weed or one beer freaks me out by the numbers but that doesn't make it reasonable for me to act like a bouncer regarding my social life. No one should drag another through the mud over an experience they can't relate to. I'm not saying date anybody you think you can help, just that being too guarded about taboos is a big red flag for me. Probably the only one actually.

Pretty much anyone who makes me feel smaller. This covers stuff like sexism and ableism.

I know I have a long list of things I watch out for in people...however at the moment, my mind is really blank on what they are. This is like when someone asks what's your favorite movie, or what's your favorite band, and I have no idea, can't think of one to save my life.

I've been realizing lately this is why I have problems sometimes misjudging people, I'm not that naïve but I'm just so damn spacey and forgetful. I think it makes for a much steeper learning curve with getting to know people. I get blindsided by things people do because I'm in a mental fog so much of the time.

When I'm more focused I can think about things people have done and recount long lists of little warning signs I noticed along the way. I'll come back to this later when I'm in one of those moods. lol

I have a few that I've ruminated on, but they mostly are a reaction to my past relationships, like closed mindedness or being glib/having superficial charm.
I thought that by now I would just have a solid list, but I don't, so thank you for the input so far, it is helpful.
Dianthus, I don't know if it is the same, but I think I understand, its like remembering to catch thoughts that randomly float into my mind, if I don't write it down its gone!